So, I guess I don't have a transparency plan. I have her telling me stuff and showing me stuff. The major problem that I had was that she has a work email, phone, and internet devices which I don't have access to. This is really not something I can change.
You have every right to ask for -- and get -- COMPLETE NO-CONTACT, and FULL TRANSPARENCY from her as part of your recovery. The problem you're in now is, she already doesn't seem to care about working on things, so you have no leverage in this regard. The time to communicate what your short list of "deal-breakers" are -- your Boundaries of Personal Intregrity, as I like to call them -- are when the wayward is asking "What would it take for me to come back to the marriage?"
Not sure what you can do now, other than just ASSUME she is either still in contact with OM (or an OM2), or she merely wants to maintain a way that she CAN be, if she wants to.
Good for you on the 180s; it sounds like those are things that you indeed had to step up. Just make sure you are doing them because YOU feel it's "The Right Thing to Do," and not looking for some quid-pro-quo reaction out of her. And then just fold in a couple of "manly-man" things, like put a set of drums in the living room, or hang one of those velvet "Dogs Playing Cards" things on the wall, or join a men's rugby league or something.
