Dealing with Anger

[25yearsmlc]

Hi everyone,

It's been a very quiet weekend on this board and, fortunately (I guess) on the home front as well.

So quiet in fact that I ended up doing some searches on the internet for the sake of seeing what I could do around here to save my relationship in the event my W decided to reconsider her position.

I came across the Retrouvaille program and it turns out it is offered in Singapore, which would make it feasible for us. Also, they just happen to have one of their three weekends a year on the weekend of our anniversary (it'll be our 10th) at the beginning of April 2013.

When we looked into it, we found it in our area and ON our anniversary. It was too coincidental to ignore, and we needed it, and it helped us, a lot.

Now I know what you are going to say about setting my own timelines for things but for the time being, it's just a questions I have about the program and goals setting.

First, about the Retrouvaille program. Can this program work even if one of the spouses isn't 100% sure that they want to save the couple? What I want to know is, if I can convince my W to give it another try and if she came just to humour me (like many S seem to do with MC), would we still get something out of it?


IMO, you just get them there however you can. They'll benefit from it.


What kind of activities are involved? I heard that there was a strong religious angle but that it was possible not to take part in certain activities.

(SIGH) Arsene, trust me, No one will try to convert you.

My h is NOT Catholic. In fact, he's not into organized religion. I am Catholic, (albeit a fairly lapsed one). I called ahead to make sure they would not "push" him, and in retrospect I think my concern was very misplaced. Anyhow, we live in southern California so I can only speak to how it is here.

At ours, There was almost zero discussion of religion, per se. However they DO discuss a spiritual connection and committment in a marriage.

There was a retired Catholic priest in the room who said if there were any folks who "felt damaged by The Church and wanted to talk", he was available. I thought he was brave, frankly. He did NOT run the retreat.

There are "lead couples" who tell their stories, and they teach you what THEY went through, and by listening to them, you will find that you CAN get past whatever ails. you.

I say that b/c the problems the lead couples had, made ours pale in comparison. (Big time) It gave us hope.

Even though Retrovaille was started by the Catholic Church in Quebec, there are inter faith ones and non Catholic weekends too.

But If the mere "word" God bothers you or the idea that there might be a spiritual role in marriage, see if there's an atheist retreat. I cannot vouch for that type of thing existing, however.


From what I read, the one in Singapore, being in a small multicultural city/state, is geared more toward a wider range of people.


I think you'll find that to be the case^^^. I have not heard of anyone finding it too religious ONCE they actually attended it.

But I've heard the concern that it's too religious, by many who simply fear that it will be. Given the givens, I think it's misplaced but I hope that doesn't offend you..


Now, about goal setting. Is it unreasonable to set such a long term goal as:

"I would like my W to agree to come to the Retrouvaille program in April 2013"

I know, reading it now, doesn't sound reasonable. What could I do to make this happen? I guess it'll be up to her and how the sitch evolves between now and then.


I invite your thoughts on this. Thanks.

Seems as if you are still trying manipulating the outcome. You are trying to control it, which is your real goal of going to Retrovaille.

I DO support you getting there with her, but to say "by April 2013", I don't know...maybe if you tell her that it would tie up loose ends or help you resolve things OR improve your co-parenting etc...then maybe on a day when she seems grateful to you, you can raise the issue-

OR a day when there's conflict and you suggest Retrovaille as a way to learn how to resolve conflict b/c Retrovaille is for couples in crisis, and it is.



By the way, I know I'm still only a few weeks into my plan but it feels like things aren't moving at all. In fact, if they are, it feels like they are moving backwards. There has been no contact since last Friday (at all - except for a text from W telling me about school payment - I didn't reply, it didn't require a reply). It just feels like a few months ago, we were friends, doing stuff together as a family and now, we're total strangers. Is this normal?

I'd say it's normal. I do think it's worse when you analyze as much as you do, esp b/c you do it on a daily basis.

Last time you ignored her texts "B/c they didn't REQUIRE a reply" it was passive aggressive. I hope you aren't resorting to that again.

It's one thing to ignore her probes, or her irrelevant comments (which I don't see her making often)

but anything about PLANS or her desire to confirm them, does deserve a reply even if you "said it before" b/c she's trying to confirm.

I hope you do get to Retrovaille. There were 2 couples at our retreat who had lost children, or had out of wedlock kids, 3 had affairs, a spouse or a child had a serious drug problem, etc.

But there they were, talking about re-building their m's, and saying "it's worth it".