Zig, I love you sooooo much. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for asking how I've been. I'm not sure where I am at right now. I do miss my H but his life seems to be spiraling downward. He hasn't had a job or clients recently so he doesn't appear to have any money. I can refer him work but it makes me feel like I'm caught in the middle, like I have a responsibility to help him (and want to because I care about him) but, on the other hand, feel like if I don't let him feel the impact of his economic choices he won't get real. He emailed me and has asked to have coffee tomorrow afternoon so I will know more then. I really don't know what to do. Zig, you seem to have developed this remarkable self-awareness that I think has really eluded me. I have done lots of therapy with EMDR which has really helped me get a hold of my emotions and anxieties and my life really seems OK now. I have a good job, my kids are doing well, I am fairly happy, I think. I am even GALing more. Crochet class, soccer team, etc. I am also thinking of taking up the drums again. (I want to be like the female drummer in the Neon Trees group.) In fact, mostly I forget that my H even exists. I just don't have contact with him that often now and it feels like he is already gone from my life in a lot of ways. But I do love him and miss him when I think about him and what we had (when he wasn't being a prickly jerk). I also know that there is a lot of burning resentment deep down about how easily he seemed to walk away from me and my girls (after promising he would never leave us). So really I just AM. If that makes any sense???? I am afraid that there is a lot inside of me that I have not really been dealing with, I just don't know how to get to it. I've just been living and keeping one foot moving in front of the other. I will update more tomorrow after I have coffee with H.
Hugs to you Zig and all the Retro folks who have chimed in with encouragement. ((()))))
