3 years aftet D-Day and i finally registet

[Am I Too Late]

Well, better late than never. I just got a decent quote for liability insurance to get my contracting company licensed and started again. Way too long with my head in the sand. I am so disappointed in my emotional reaction to this entire fiasco.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

She used to be everything i could have asked for until her moms hospitalization and subsequent death.

Yes, she has major issues, but i guess, so do i from my reaction to all this.

She had a very dysfunctional childhood with being raised by various other family members or friends while her mom was drinking or drugging and her father divorced her mom when she was 1 year old. There also was some sexual abuse via a female baby sitter when she was 4 to 5 years old. So, yes there is an abundance of baggage that she seemed to have reconciled with by the time i met her, such.. as the abuse and abandonment.

I have been so proud of her on how she seemed to have overcome and accepted her past.

Now it seems understandable why she hardly talks to or visits our son. When she started seeing an individual counselor after D-Day when i discovered her love letters she primarily was telling that counselor how unhappy she was being married to me. The counselor had her buy a book called, The Gaslighting Affect, which seems more of what she was doing to me, rather than the other way around.

Also, that counselor gave her a list of questions

One was, Would Little Eddie be better off living in a home with 2 unhappy parents or with the parents apart but happy?

F'ing loaded and extremely biased question in my opinion.

But, i want to deal with the situation that i have on my plate currently.

Ed

[25yearsmlc]

So, just to slightly continue my story.....

From September, 2009, I have not been able to think straight and allowed my Thought Disorder to manifest itself so deeply, that i could not do anything except for research how to fix things up in our marriage and I tried to do alot more around the house and continued to take our son to school every day as I always had, but I had NO desire to concentrate on work at all.

What is your actual diagnosis? You have what type of thought disorder? Other than work, How does that affect your r with your w?

Also, Does this mean she is the bread winner for the family?

Are you working and earning any money? Many women, even though it seems unfair, don't respect an older man who isn't providing for them....

"Security" (including financial and physical) is one of the values most prized by women, in their husbands.

I think it's probably more signficant than you realize and that she may have felt a great deal of pressure, at a relatively young age. As time passed, she may have resented it, and that resentment grew...(just a thought.)



Dang, i really allowed my own self to screw my life up financially.


Well then It's possible that this ^^^ IS a huge issue for her. It's too easy to write it all off about OM and keep getting angry at OM--but that's a way for you to avoid looking at your role. And it's a waste of your energy.

I don't want you to beat yourself up too much, but don't gloss over the work YOU MUST DO...okay?


Sooo many thought running through my head right now as to trying to piece together this past 3 years events, which I suppose are mostly irrelevant now.


Yes irrelevant b/c the only value the past has, is learning from it to change your present and future.

If you have learned the lessons, and know them, then make the adjustments & keep looking ahead and keep the forward movement going. "From this day forward" is in most wedding vows, for a reason.

I continued to attend to our son, signed him up for Cub Scouts and Catechism Religious Classes in 2009 when he started 1st grade and take him to Church most every Sunday. We go on campouts with the scouts and also attend all of the other Pack functions and he enjoys his friendships quite a bit.

hey I don't mean to sound as if I'm bashing you, but this^^^all just sounds like parenting to me. I mean, what is your point here?

My wife moved out of the home about 7 months and 1 day ago without giving any advance notice, with the exception that she was continually completely depressed while at home and taking anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and allergy pills that make her fall asleep, so basically, when she was home she was just sleeping in the recliner chair and that was it.

Slightly after we attended Marriage Counseling in February 2010, which lasted 6 months before her job schedule changed her mind about going anymore, she "Friended" that 1st Cheating Partner on her Facebook Page. WTF???


so you went to MC for 6 months. Did anything change? Did you? How so?


I Hate Facebook!!!!! Nah, it just makes a cheating experience easier to hide away as do many other sites, like Reunion.com and Classmates.com and MyLife.com.


I detached pretty well after she moved out, but still kept her informed about the ongoings of our son, who she gratefully left with me to take carwe of. But, her visits with her own son have been extremely sporadic, usually averaging betwee 26 to 36 days apart without ANY contact with him at al, not even a phone call.


Document this^^^ well. It's odd behavior and does make it seem like she's not just wanting out of the marriage, but wants out of family life altogether.

OR maybe she's ashamed of her actions, and the drinking, and that is significant....

but it does NOT change your plan of action. Understand that...


Recently, she went 61 datys without any phone call or visit to him.

very sad. Of course, YOU can have your son call her to get contact...you don't have to deny him access just to prove a point. Document the contact was FROM you guys but get him some contact (unless somehow it makes it harder on him).

Please make sure you reassure your son of your love and presence AND that his mom loves him too, but is confused or busy, at the moment, etc. He must believe his mom cares for him, for his own sake.


Our son seems to be doing finem, but I am always on the alert for any signs of problems. Last year during the sprin of his 3rd grade, his teacher commented about a lack of attention and focus, so I had the school social worker check in with him each day with a check in-check out program they have there.

Dang, we had the PERFECT life that everyone would have been envious of.


um, really? I thought you said she had 3 YEARS of depression, slept all the time, and that you have a thought disorder and can't concentrate on work...

See, sometimes the WAS revises the marital history to being a terrible marriage for a long time. Like it was "never happy" or "always bad"...b/c they want to justify their choice to leave.

But similarly, sometimes the LBSer revises the marital history into a "PERFECT LIFE" that "OTHERS WERE ENVIOUS OF"....b/c they face a loss and that loss becomes so enormous that they revise it into being the biggest LOSS EVER....but chances are Neither revision is fair or accurate.

Your marriage had challenges from the get go (2 12 steppers w/a baby have some challenges) and your son came along kind of early and you have a fairly big age difference...

so, try to see the upsides of being apart, such as less tension. AND thank GOD you have your son. That's huge and it's a better sitch than most men around here. I don't mean to minimize your pain, but am being realistic about what you DO have going for you. You're sober and you have your son...and a roof over your head. Are you working now? Does she pay anything? Where is her family?

Also do NOT involve them as allies...I will post the "Rules for Newbies" that we pass around here for folks new to the sitch.

But so I'm clear, you have been apart now for 7 months? Has she said she wants a divorce? (Do not ask!!)


I Still believe that the caompassionate and moral person who I married a long time ago is still there inside somewhere and I want to be there for her when she resurfacves, if its not too late.

if she gets better or sober, that won't be too late. I mean, SOBRIETY is never too late. As for what you are doing in your life, I guess we'll see.




She has been doing alot of drinking and even her own sister told me that she never realized how much of a drinking problem that my wife had until she saw how much she drank over this past summer.

You said that You're both alcoholics, right? OKay, so she's relapsed, corrrect? That's Not too unusual.

Hopefully she doesn't do too much damage before she gets back up on the program. There will be damage but when kids know the parent is alcoholic and begins a recovery program, they can be pretty forgiving.

Let's hope she dusts herself off soon, and starts again for her next 90 day pin.

AND I hope you are still going to your meetings. Do you like your sponsor? Are they helping you at all with the obsessing and thought disorder or do you have an MD treating you for that?


My own personal beliefs is that when she dropped out of AA her thinking started to turn a slight bit more negative, but add on top of that, when her mom got sick, was hospitalized, was put into a medically incuced coma, and then seemed to be getting better enough so that they were considering sending her home in 1 week, then she passed away, that the schock was beyond my wifes coping mechanisms and she had dropped her support group that she could have turned to.


the problem with this^^^ analysis, is that it's all about HER. She is someone YOU have NO control over-at all. So you are wasting your time and energy spinning your wheels about her. That's precious time and energy that you could be spending on YOUR LIFE and YOUR PERSONAL WORK...

So Don't focus on HER. Focus on YOU and YOUR WORK b/c it's all you can control...

Remember your 12 step programs. Surrender to what you have no power over and accept that SHE is someone you have no control over. Take care of YOU and your son.

One day at a time...



Taking a break from typing now.

I hope I get off of moderation soon, so I can see my thread.

Ed

the more you post, even with short posts, the faster you'll be off moderation.

Good luck!

[Am I Too Late]

Prior to the D-Day 3 years ago, i paid about 6 000.00 in bills per month. I had enough in savings and my IRA to continue paying all household bills for 2 years and then got behind on my mortgage and property taxes for our home, my rental property and my business property. She paid the after school child care who was a neighbor friend of hers. I never requested or expected her to pay any of the other bills.

Thought disorder was never completely explained to me but i presumed my continual non-stop thinking and depression that pretty much wouldnt allow me to focus.

Yeah, i sucked in my reactions big time. I want to deal with now. Now i am starting my company back up and now what else do i do?.

I do have about 5 or 6 other posts made today that have not yet been released by the moderation team in this thread.

[Am I Too Late]

Oh, and how did that supposed Thought Disorder affect our relationship? I was continuously under an anxiety attack, which would subside until i saw her texting all evening or secretively be on the laptop computer or find out some new fresh disturbing fact or project one of the"What Ifs" in my mind.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

She was 3 months shy of her 33rd birthday when her mom died. I read up alot about womans Pre-Midlife Crisis on a forum run by a woman named Shepherdess. Alot of it makes sense.

Also, from some psych evaluation tests we took, she scored at the 90 percent of traits for Borderline Personality Traits, which she said her mom was at one time diagnosed to have. So what. She did not exhibit any signs of that for the 1st 8 years we were happily together. Im not sure that even matters, so i dont care.

Im just filling in as much background details as i can for you folks to understand and hopefully help out.

Oh, her dad was diagnosed with cancer last fall, 2011. She visited him alot from then through April 28th when he too passed away. All of her recent major life altering decisions occurred when her parents died or were near death.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

So, this past weekend, i invited her to meet me and our son at a local festival while texting on Saturday, but she was busy that day but said she could try for Sunday instead.

Also, while discussing the craft booths and what she liked from them in previous years, she asked me to see if they had any Lavender Soap or Candles, which i said would be no problem, since she seemed receptive to nice gestures.

She told me also that she would call later to speak with our son on Saturday evening.

She didnt call nor respond to some text photos of our son having fun at the festival.

She did text Monday, but with no mention of the No Call to our son on Saturday evening or why she did not show up or reply on Sunday.

By the way, i had told her that i would leave when she got to the fest for her to have a private one on one visit with our boy. I wasnt trying to get her together with me for the afternoon using our son as bait to lure her there under false pretenses.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

I'd say 3 years is too long to let this continue affecting you to the point that it's harming your finances. You've got to detach in a major way and pursue your own life. She is probably in MLC compounded by alcoholism. Sounds like her mom's death may have triggered depression and unhappiness which she then blamed on you. If given enough time she could sort this out, but the alcohol may be preventing her from seeing clearly enough to do that. She sounds like a trainwreck, you can't do anything but work on yourself and let her sort things out for herself.

I miss my wife still. She seems to have gotten on with her life, while i screwed up mine, and even now i still cling to hope that she will find herself again to be the loving wife and mom that she was for the 1st 8 years together.

So, now that she is back to her school bus driving job i know she will not go out drinking as much as she did in the summer months.

So, she will get sorted out better, but with a different guy and i am left in a state of shambles with a big hole to dig out of.

She desired our family so much at one time.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

So, just to slightly continue my story.....

From September, 2009, I have not been able to think straight and allowed my Thought Disorder to manifest itself so deeply, that i could not do anything except for research how to fix things up in our marriage and I tried to do alot more around the house and continued to take our son to school every day as I always had, but I had NO desire to concentrate on work at all.

What is your actual diagnosis? You have what type of thought disorder? Other than work, How does that affect your r with your w?

Also, Does this mean she is the bread winner for the family?

Are you working and earning any money? Many women, even though it seems unfair, don't respect an older man who isn't providing for them....

"Security" (including financial and physical) is one of the values most prized by women, in their husbands.

I think it's probably more signficant than you realize and that she may have felt a great deal of pressure, at a relatively young age. As time passed, she may have resented it, and that resentment grew...(just a thought.)



Dang, i really allowed my own self to screw my life up financially.


Well then It's possible that this ^^^ IS a huge issue for her. It's too easy to write it all off about OM and keep getting angry at OM--but that's a way for you to avoid looking at your role. And it's a waste of your energy.

I don't want you to beat yourself up too much, but don't gloss over the work YOU MUST DO...okay?


Sooo many thought running through my head right now as to trying to piece together this past 3 years events, which I suppose are mostly irrelevant now.


Yes irrelevant b/c the only value the past has, is learning from it to change your present and future.

If you have learned the lessons, and know them, then make the adjustments & keep looking ahead and keep the forward movement going. "From this day forward" is in most wedding vows, for a reason.

I continued to attend to our son, signed him up for Cub Scouts and Catechism Religious Classes in 2009 when he started 1st grade and take him to Church most every Sunday. We go on campouts with the scouts and also attend all of the other Pack functions and he enjoys his friendships quite a bit.

hey I don't mean to sound as if I'm bashing you, but this^^^all just sounds like parenting to me. I mean, what is your point here?

My wife moved out of the home about 7 months and 1 day ago without giving any advance notice, with the exception that she was continually completely depressed while at home and taking anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and allergy pills that make her fall asleep, so basically, when she was home she was just sleeping in the recliner chair and that was it.

Slightly after we attended Marriage Counseling in February 2010, which lasted 6 months before her job schedule changed her mind about going anymore, she "Friended" that 1st Cheating Partner on her Facebook Page. WTF???


so you went to MC for 6 months. Did anything change? Did you? How so?


I Hate Facebook!!!!! Nah, it just makes a cheating experience easier to hide away as do many other sites, like Reunion.com and Classmates.com and MyLife.com.


I detached pretty well after she moved out, but still kept her informed about the ongoings of our son, who she gratefully left with me to take carwe of. But, her visits with her own son have been extremely sporadic, usually averaging betwee 26 to 36 days apart without ANY contact with him at al, not even a phone call.


Document this^^^ well. It's odd behavior and does make it seem like she's not just wanting out of the marriage, but wants out of family life altogether.

OR maybe she's ashamed of her actions, and the drinking, and that is significant....

but it does NOT change your plan of action. Understand that...


Recently, she went 61 datys without any phone call or visit to him.

very sad. Of course, YOU can have your son call her to get contact...you don't have to deny him access just to prove a point. Document the contact was FROM you guys but get him some contact (unless somehow it makes it harder on him).

Please make sure you reassure your son of your love and presence AND that his mom loves him too, but is confused or busy, at the moment, etc. He must believe his mom cares for him, for his own sake.


Our son seems to be doing finem, but I am always on the alert for any signs of problems. Last year during the sprin of his 3rd grade, his teacher commented about a lack of attention and focus, so I had the school social worker check in with him each day with a check in-check out program they have there.

Dang, we had the PERFECT life that everyone would have been envious of.


um, really? I thought you said she had 3 YEARS of depression, slept all the time, and that you have a thought disorder and can't concentrate on work...

See, sometimes the WAS revises the marital history to being a terrible marriage for a long time. Like it was "never happy" or "always bad"...b/c they want to justify their choice to leave.

But similarly, sometimes the LBSer revises the marital history into a "PERFECT LIFE" that "OTHERS WERE ENVIOUS OF"....b/c they face a loss and that loss becomes so enormous that they revise it into being the biggest LOSS EVER....but chances are Neither revision is fair or accurate.

Your marriage had challenges from the get go (2 12 steppers w/a baby have some challenges) and your son came along kind of early and you have a fairly big age difference...

so, try to see the upsides of being apart, such as less tension. AND thank GOD you have your son. That's huge and it's a better sitch than most men around here. I don't mean to minimize your pain, but am being realistic about what you DO have going for you. You're sober and you have your son...and a roof over your head. Are you working now? Does she pay anything? Where is her family?

Also do NOT involve them as allies...I will post the "Rules for Newbies" that we pass around here for folks new to the sitch.

But so I'm clear, you have been apart now for 7 months? Has she said she wants a divorce? (Do not ask!!)


I Still believe that the caompassionate and moral person who I married a long time ago is still there inside somewhere and I want to be there for her when she resurfacves, if its not too late.



if she gets better or sober, that won't be too late. I mean, SOBRIETY is never too late. As for what you are doing in your life, I guess we'll see.




She has been doing alot of drinking and even her own sister told me that she never realized how much of a drinking problem that my wife had until she saw how much she drank over this past summer.

You said that You're both alcoholics, right? OKay, so she's relapsed, corrrect? That's Not too unusual.

Hopefully she doesn't do too much damage before she gets back up on the program. There will be damage but when kids know the parent is alcoholic and begins a recovery program, they can be pretty forgiving.

Let's hope she dusts herself off soon, and starts again for her next 90 day pin.

AND I hope you are still going to your meetings. Do you like your sponsor? Are they helping you at all with the obsessing and thought disorder or do you have an MD treating you for that?


My own personal beliefs is that when she dropped out of AA her thinking started to turn a slight bit more negative, but add on top of that, when her mom got sick, was hospitalized, was put into a medically incuced coma, and then seemed to be getting better enough so that they were considering sending her home in 1 week, then she passed away, that the schock was beyond my wifes coping mechanisms and she had dropped her support group that she could have turned to.


the problem with this^^^ analysis, is that it's all about HER. She is someone YOU have NO control over-at all. So you are wasting your time and energy spinning your wheels about her. That's precious time and energy that you could be spending on YOUR LIFE and YOUR PERSONAL WORK...

So Don't focus on HER. Focus on YOU and YOUR WORK b/c it's all you can control...

Remember your 12 step programs. Surrender to what you have no power over and accept that SHE is someone you have no control over. Take care of YOU and your son.

One day at a time...
[/colo


Taking a break from typing now.

I hope I get off of moderation soon, so I can see my thread.

Eso

k
[color:#990000]




the more you post, even with short posts, the faster you'll

be off moderation.





Good luck!

The 3 year depression of hers was since her mom got sick and died.

Prior to that we did have a wonderful family and life. She wrote just a few months before her mom got sick, .......... "I have never felt so loved and adored by anyone in my entire life as the way Ed makes me feel. I could not have asked, dreamed or Prayed for more than we have together. We have a beautiful house, the most wonderful son, and i have a husband who absolutely adores me as much as i adore him. We are soulmates and i will love him forever".

[Am I Too Late]

I started to come out of my funk after she moved out on February 16th of this year and started working for other companies doing sales and made enough right away to get my 2 unit apartment building out of foreclosure.

Now i am restarting my own company back up and will do the best that i can with it.

Ed