Where is the U-haul going?

[KAW]

Hi Jackie,
Been getting settled in a "new" lifstyle myself. I can relate some to how your H is dealing with work stress as this week my position of almost 19 years was officially eliminated after 3 months of training others to do what I did.

We are falling into old patterns, we are doing some of the old things again ... We go on a family vacation next week that we are all looking forward to. I don't know if I should let this drop and see how it is after we all have a break from daily life or if I should pursue the conversation. What do you think?

Go enjoy your vacation to the fullest ... and on the last day ... make mention how you wish each day could be like this vacation. That could lead into how you are concern that work seems to be wearing him down and how when at home you seem to get in a rut.

This may be a stretch, but when you get back home what if both tried to act "as-if" you are still on an extended vacation? To pull it off, it may only require doing certain aspects that are the norm during a vacation, but are things you may not do very often when at home. Like dining. Pick at least on evening a week to go to a nice restaurant for dinner and/or usually even more uncommon, go out for breakfast in the morning. What are other activities you look to do during a vacation you don't usually do at home? Here's one I have ignored most of my adult life, but have you visited some the local tourist attractions in your "backyard"? Would make for some nice days, even if is might be just having a picnic at the park (i know ... not quite now, but spring is not too far away!) or visiting the local petting zoo. Don't have a zoo? Even just spending an hour or so at a pet store could do the trick or a flea market, antique store just to browse. Last weekend, we went into some furniture stores for the first time in at least ten years.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is simply look to do something different that could turn out to be fun and that is basically the concept behind taking a vacation, but is also something that can be done from home too.

Why do I ask such dumb questions and not just let the actions speak for themselves? I wanted a response that was something along the lines of I'd never want to go back, I want to be here with you, but his mind is probably on the mess and not reassuring me. Later he said something that showed that he is nervous to about my feelings, of wanting him here when he has created such a mess.

Often our S's do "tell" us what we want to hear, but I don't know why it is that we often look for them to tell us in a particular way. Its like we insist on them using a certain vocabulary and if they use a different set of words, we get wrap up in how they expressed the message rather than more importantly what the meaning of the message is.

How they express themselves is as unique as each individual and should be so because it is part of who they are. We have to get better at getting past how they are doing it and learning to hear what they really are saying whether it be in their actions or words.

Have a wonderful vacation ... don't forget to give us an update afterwards.

'til later,
KAW

[holdingon]

KAW,
I was wondering if you had any insight to my sitch. I don't understand why my H acted totally normal for two days, seemed to enjoy himself and now back to the drawing board... as a guy, what do you think?

Thanks.

[mockers2]

Hi Jackie - Things seem to be going so well for you and H. You both seem to be trying and doing an excellent job. What a gift to go on a vacation together! I sretrovaille a possibility?

Try not to beat yourself up about saying this or that every once in a while (should listen to myself here, right? ). You have some really important insights on your sitch, which is a huge step towards getting more and more on solid ground.

Thank you for your post on my thread. I appreciate so much your encouragement and support.

Here's a tulip form my yard and a hug (((((((Jackie))))) for you. Have a great trip, and give us the updates when you get back.

KAW - what great suggestions about bringing the vacation feeling into everyday life! Also, wonderful post on how we look for our spouse to "say" what we need to hear in a certain way. Thank you for your post.

[hoping]

Hey, JAckie...things sound good..a vacattion...sounds like fun to me..I think h and I will try to get away sometime......we deserve it..or should I say I deserve it.

I relate to slipping back to old habits...you have to really talk to yourself..tell yourself these are lifelong changes...it's hard, but so worth the outcome.

Stay strong..
Sue

[AlmostGone]

Post deleted by Jamesjohn

[Dagny]

KAW, thanks for the ideas, I need to incorporate some different things into our daily lives, not wait for a vacation to "reconnect". I'm sorry about your job, it is amazing how quickly a career can change, things you thought were secure, similar to a M.

Mockers, thanks for your support. I'm going to check out the flylady suggestions, too, see what I can come up with. With all H has going on, it seems like it is my duty to come up with fun.

Sue, thanks for stopping in and I'm glad things are going well for you.

Manisha, I always enjoy your point of view from the working world. I wonder if we have it more difficult than the Donna Reed set as gender lines aren't quite as defined as they once were. Sure I'm a stay at home mom, but I also expect for him to pitch in and do things and I want to use my brain too. I also don't want him to feel he has to shield me from his work stress, I want to be suppportive to him, as well. And since we live no where near family, we are each others primary support system. Possibly a lot to put on the other person. So many things floating under the surface. I know I have to rely on me to find some of the brain stimulation, stuff to figure out, as usual. But I need to quit being so demanding of his attention during the work week. Let him work and come home to a nice, fun place to be. So what would be your ideal to come home to after a stressful day at work?

Vacation went well. A few cranky moments, but to be expected. At one point he said he rated our M a 9! I told him I was sorry I was being so needy in reassurances, and he said that was okay. But, I feel I need to stop. While we were S I was confident and strong and now I'm morphing back into a wimp. What more can he do (he actually asked me that, I need to figure it out, I have read the 5LL book, but I like all the things, I'm not sure which one is the thing I need most). I survived a S, I know I can live on my own and raise kids, so it is time for me to become confident again, value what I have and am and get on with my life!

Jackie

[imalright]

Looks like I can post you in success stories!

Don't go back to the "old you", work on your insecurities and if you "act as if" things are going great, then they will, go back to DR book and read what Michele wrote.

Glad your getting adjusted, it takes time I assume and your insecurities are normal, accept it and keep working on you!

Deb

[mockers2]

Welcome back, Jackie - We've missed you! A 9! Wow! You definitely belong in the success story section! Thanks for the update! Keep up the good work!

[nitaf]

Were you and H separated? How long? Hown long have you been back 2gether? Where is original sich posted?

[Dagny]

Deb & M, I'm honored that you think I'm a success story. So much to still do, I think I have been letting it all go because he is back and I should know better, this M stuff is hard work, never take it for granted.

N, I have a summary on the first page of this thread and Deb has been kind enough to link all my threads on the 2003 success stories in piecing, that will take you back to Nov 2002.

Jackie