Had a call from my wife. Just about my mail and pickin it up.
During the convo we spoke about a friends wedding she was at at the weekend, it sounded nice. During the convo I told her "stop beating yourself up because of what's happened, it's the past now and there's no point in Beaton yourself up". I told her "I made mistakes, I could have done things differently but my ego and self got in the way".
She said "it sounds like your the one beating yourself up"
I said "no it's just me looking at things sensibly and taking my responsibility for stuff, I could have done more but it was all about me and I made mistakes"
The convo then went on to other subjects and we parted company in a friendly manner.
I then sent her a text wink ( ;-) ) just to let her know it's all cool.
Think I handled that well.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
I pray for you kev. I soon hope to be off moderation so my situation can be discussed. Mine has been over 3 years with her finally moving out 7 months ago.
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Topics I've found helpful are :- -affair fog. -gas lighting. -grieving (a relationship).
For me it explained alot of what was going on. Grief especially was helpful. The affair fog and gas lighting is a theory and maybe not to be taken too seriously but for me if gave a bit of clarity.
The vets on here will suggest books to get DB and DR that this site is based around.
Other books that's been suggested to me are :- -5 love laugages. -no more mr nice guy (wish I'd got that sooner) - get your nuts back.
The WAS will try anything to keep her affair high going. Chemicals running around there brain are intense. (you were no different at the start of your relationship with your wife) but its all built on lies so it's probably gonna head downhill quick once they chemicals start to ware off. No promising anything but it seems likely.
Am still new here but I'll try and support anyway I can any new commers.
Please please please tho listen to the vets. Don't act like a needy person or grill them with questions.
Remember it does get better. Letting go has helped me. I said me not my sitch.
Am learning slowly working on me is the best help for everyone especially you.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Sounds good. I'm glad you understand what you are up against.
What she feels is "real", there is no way you will convince her against it. They will keep that going as long as possible.
I have found that a WAS WILL try to come back if they know you are with another, but it is to show that they have you.
The other side effect is being cheated on, is the cheater feels like they have "power" over you. It's mental, but you are being supportive while they are doormatting you, and it puts you in a slave position in their mind. It's not easy to get out of this position.
I'm telling you so that you know. The best thing you can do is GAL and be sociable and not be affected at all by the WAS. Many of us determined it was not even benefitial to "help" the WAS, let their affair partner do that!
I think I have read everything I could have ever put a search phrase to, yet my understanding of what went on and is now currently going on does not remedy my situation.
I thought that I was doing my best version of DB, witht the MAJOR exception of having a near PTSD Thought Disorder. I let my own contracting company go under due to not being able to concentrate an ANYTHING else except for how to restore my marriage and family.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
It's such a hard thing this. Being told your being divorced when it's not your choice.
Honestly, am still struggling. But lately I am starting to turn more focus onto what's best for me. Only half my day now is filled with thoughts of my wife. God this is tough.
I will get through this in time.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
not sure if you got the "Rules for Newbies when you get the bomb" but I didn't see it. The one "rule" not on the list that ought to be is, GAL...
SO I'll say it again b/c it bears repeating...GAL...for YOU and maybe, later on she may notice but it's not why you GAL, it's just a possible byproduct.
Also in your shoes, remember the part about NOT involving others, either telling her friends/family about the OM, or thinking that guilting her will bring her back, OR using OWs to do so...
IMO, it does not work and it does not make you feel better. So what's the point?
Anyhow, here are the (yikes!) it's up to 40 FORTY rules...but they do help guide you.
These are "Rules" for newcomers assembled/organized by Sandi, consisting of principles based on MWD's Div Busting approach, (& edited SLIGHTLY by yours truly). I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.
FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….
1. Do Not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then, don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping.
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne/perfume, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, do 180s… (so if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her to initiate), then be rather scarce or minimal with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short & simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! (No matter what time he/she comes home.) You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy YOUR life and time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life too.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you ask, then you have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get them back & then they won't believe the changes are lasting.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive & fun to be with. (As hard as this is, remember that angry, sad, pouting people do NOT ATTRACT others to them). The FUN somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Never lose your temper! (That reinforces their choice to leave). Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill or be over the top in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only THEY know how they feel!
24. Be patient……VERY, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do NOT interrupt them when they are speaking, OR correct them, and stop what you may be working on or doing, to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. (Listening better never hurts.)
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Silence can be the loving thing to "not say."
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Calmness is soothing to the calm person AND their "audience". Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only, NOT your spouse. The more you tell them what you are doing (or trying to show them) the more your actions will seem manipulative & insincere.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write or a single dramatic gesture. (Not saying not to do/say those too, but focus on consistent changes, over time. That earns the spouse's belief in the changes).
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever, & even when you truly feel desperate & needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. Very important that you get this concept. 31. When you communicate with your spouse, do not focus on yourself; instead, focus on them. If in person, make eye contact.
32. Do not believe any of what THEY SAY and less than 50% of what THEY DO. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared, AND OR, b/c they want to justify their leaving.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes! Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day, unless absolutely necessary. (That means only in urgent matters.) 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
38. Do Not convince yourself that being miserable or sad shows how much you care for your spouse. It's not attractive or appealing, period. 39. If there is OW/OM in the picture, don't focus on them. BE the better choice, which means being a spouse only a fool would leave.
40. Know that you really will be alright in the long run, that your personal work will yield good things regardless of the choices others make. You will be happy again.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the rules. I've had this list before and found it independently myself also. Guess I wasn't ready to practice it but my low feelings and breaking down last night infront of one of my friends shook me up. Am not gonna allow myself to live like this any longer. My wife is so deep into her affair and her emotions are so high and strong for the OM right now there's no point in my letting that effect me any longer. This is her choice. I could wonder "how might that end" and I do and I have been wishing for failure with the OM. Either he's an ass or a wimp. These are all thoughts we've all had am sure. Last night as I broke down it was coupled with a fear this time. A fear that if I keep this up its really going to leave me pretty messed up or worse taking a breakdown. Am not going to be one if they people. Am going to accept my powerlessness. Control me. Be happy in time with me (genrally I am). I don't have to condone this infidelity and am not but I am going to look at my part in the break down of my marriage. See what I find and accept the past and move on.
I could easily go into a list of offensive words to describe my wife but I don't want that. But I do need to remember the women I love is not the women who's treating me this way.
Am not giving up but am letting go (purely for my own health and mental health). Am not going to suffer this any longer. Right or wrong aside no one should feel this bad about themselves.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
It's such a hard thing this. Being told your being divorced when it's not your choice.
Honestly, am still struggling. But lately I am starting to turn more focus onto what's best for me. Only half my day now is filled with thoughts of my wife. God this is tough.
I will get through this in time.
Your "miracle" may be becoming actively aware that the sitch with the WAS is OVER, and actually releasing it. It will restore a ton of your mind power and remove a huge distraction. You will be able to get alot done.
Alternatively, make forward progress on things that you are supposed to be responsible for - and remind yourself that the WAS is gone. You will get past it.
just so I'm clear, your w dropped the bomb in April, some 5 months ago? And you discovered OM maybe 3 months ago,
and you began DBing and working on you, ONE month ago?
Is that accurate?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
