I guess I will just have to play it by ear. Just figured it would be my LRT/180. I think I am just having a hard time putting together an action plan for how to move forward. Like I said, if I'm still in the house, she has the ability to do whatever she wants. We are still completely cordial with each other so I dont really see an issue with staying, in that respect. She just seems to be actin like a teenager. All her new found friends are 20 something's and single. Why can't she realize she is a 36 year old mother and wife so the single,zero responsibility days are gone!
My plan, if you call it that, will be as follows:
1. Move back in to the MBR, and act like nothing different has happened. I will not say a word about it. If she brings it up, I will just say its my house as well, and this is where I want to be. If she is uncomfortable, she is the one that wants out so she can make the decision to stay or go. I will be as nice, and cheerful. Acting "As-if"
2. GAL. I need to do this. It's going to be hard, and I do not know why. Since I've been married and became a father, I don't really do many things for ME..... I need to show her that I too have a life outside the home. Even if I have nowhere to go, I need to dress nice, and "have plans". I can go to the bookstore, park, somewhere. But I do need to find more hobbies.
3. I need to do a 180, in terms of my mood around her, especially when she has plans, is secretive, etc. I need to understand that I have NOOO control over what she does or who she is with. So these new "guy" friends on FAcebook need to be no concern to me.
4. Guess I will start with those. I also must NOT mention anything about us. This is another very difficult thing to do!
Does anyone else have any suggestions or guidance for me? Are these good goals, he'll I have no clue. I'm just so tired of the same old same. I do not want I give up, but running out of options and patience. If possible, I would love a women's perspective. Maybe "strongerthanever". Any ones advice would be great.
a_man_lost, thanks for sharing your story. I admire your energy and stamina how you handle the situation. You have a job, you are a grad student, you spend a lot of time with the kids. Yet your wife is living in lala land. I think there is one area where you could improve your chances, mainly regarding the way you present yourself towards your wife. It would be great if you stopped any R discussions, never told her that you love her. Be as cool and detached as you possibly can. Think "alpha male". Your wife can consider herself lucky that you haven't kicked her out, she has to invest time and energy to find her way back to you and her family. I know this is much, much easier said than done but you could at least try to get closer to this goal.
So I justback today from a business trip to NYC. After dinner, i got to spend time with my four kids. That was great. I missed them so much, and i was just gone 5 nights. I cant imagine going longer. Well, The wife came home tonight from her internship at an Abused Women's shelter. It's ran through her college. (She wants to be a Psychologist. We had a great little chat about her day, college assignments, and other little chit chat. We were completely cordial. She said she was going up to do her paper. This is we're the demon came out. I told my w that I had reconsidered, and was no longer planning to move. I also told her that I planned on moving back in the bedroom. WOW was she p!$$ed. She said I was using a "power play" and mentioned her not having a job, She mentioned everything that I do wrong! She said "well get the basement ready and I will move down there". I told her I would and that I would stay down there tonight so she can finish her paper. I was EXTREMLy calm, kinda cheerful (guess you could call it that) and heartfelt, but yet very firm in my intentions. She stormed upstairs and locked the door. I went up a few minutes later, and calmly asked if I could get my pillows. She allowed me in, and made a comment of how I had already moved them up there. I simple said "yes" and told her good night and good luck with the writing and left the room. A few minutes later, she came down stairs and said "I hate to even ask, but I need to borrow money" to attend a conference. She feels that I have cut her off financially, what she feels is another "power play" on my part. Again, I spoke with sincerity and told her that I would always give her money for things for her education, car, day to day stuff. I would not however give her money to go out with with her friends. Keep in mind, I do all the grocery shopping, vehicle maintenance, etc. she has very little need for money. She continues to bring up everything from the past that I did negatively. I told her "look, all I'm trying to do is make myself better" I told her I needed to get my self dignity back and I feel this is a good first step for me. I also told her that all I wanted to do before was work on the marriage, but I was the only one. I also said my reasons for returning to the MBR was because she was the one that didn't want to work on this marriage. Not me, but her. Why should I have to move out. I said all I want anymore, was to make myself better, for me and my kids. She could do whatever she wanted. She made a couple more snide comments about turning the basement into an apartment, so I cod move down there. I chuckled and went back to read my book. She walked off.
It was good for me because I always cave on most things. Gotta stand my ground. My first and most important 180.
W also made a comment that made me think, and guess she is partially right. She made reference to the roller coaster effect I've been in before. I had so many ups and downs in my moods. I went from begging, pleading and crying to being scornful. I would go from great moods to depressed moods almost in an instant. She thinks I'm just on my "high spot" of the coaster. Gotta stay the course and show her that my life is only getting better. I'm only getting better. And most of all what she is going to have to live without. At the end of it all, I am a pretty damn good person, father, and a husband! She needs to realize she is just as much fault (if not more) of this marriage breakdown than I am.
I posted a response to your thread a few days ago, but it never made it out of the moderation queue apparently. I've gone over 100 posts now so my posts should show up instantly from now on.
First, you suggested your wife may in an MLC, but based on your description of how neither of you was speaking the other's love language it's more likely a case of WAW. That's a lot easier to deal with in my opinion because MLCers are totally unpredictable and can take years to come out of the tunnel. WAW's respond much better to DB techniques, but don't expect a quick turnaround, it takes months or even a year or more of hard work before they start to change their minds.
But these forums (and the books and DB coaches) can give you something you won't find anywhere else, and that is hope! Friends, family and even counselors will tell you to move on, that it's done. Not true. It's not done until you say it is. There are many documented reconciliations here, some took place in weeks, some took years but the majority seem to fall in the 6-9 month range.
OK, so clearly you've read the 5LL, that's good. Have you read DB and/ or DR? If so, don't stop. Keep reading them over and over. Take stock of what you did or didn't do that contributed to your wife being ready to walk and do 180's on those things. Don't ask your W to change and don't expect her to. Concentrate on you. Don't tell her you're changing, words are cheap. Do it and she'll notice. Make permanent changes, and wait for the seeds to grow. Understand that your W will not ackowledge your progress. Understand that she'll say terrible, ugly things like she doesn't love you, it's over, she's not happy, quit trying, give her up. Those are her emotions talking. Don't try and reason with her, when you do you are disagreeing with her emotions and that is BAD. Her emotions are guarding the door in the wall she's built around herself, argue with them and they add another padlock to the door. Validate her emotions, say things like "it sounds like you are angry and frustrated, I'm sorry you feel that way." You're validating without agreeing or disagreeing. It'll diffuse the situation when she feels like you're both on the same side. Don't argue! We all want to "talk sense" into our wives, that may have worked (or more accurately, "seemed" to have worked) in the past but it won't work now or probably ever again. You can be right or you can be happily married. I wish someone had told me that 10 years ago!
Print out the list of 34 DB tips and read them several times a day until they are on your heart. It'll make it a lot easier to respond to what your wife says/ does when you can instantly recall most of those tips.
And if you're spiritual, pray, pray, pray! Never disregard the power of prayer
Really trying to figure the W out. She started by texting me random things like free Baseball tickets this morning. What's her game? From pissed to chatty...kinda. I called to make sure the kids were ok while on my way home from work. Didn't expect her to be here because of her "internship" or whatever. She answered the phone. She acted.....well nice.
So things this morning were kinda the same. It's Saturday, so I slept in a little..6:30. I woke up and made coffee as usual and tinkered around the house for a little while. The kids started stirring about 7:30. So I sat around with them watching tv, and had cuddle time with D4. She's such a daddy's girl. The wife got up around 8 or so and came downstairs. She seemed in a better mood, not making the angry comments of pervious days of how I've cut her off financially, or I'm making power plays. While she drank her coffee, she started talking about things that needed to be done to the house, like long term renovation plans. The hardest part I have about not leaving is this seems exactly what she wants. She wants me to stay there, fund whatever needs to be funded, and she is left to do whatever she wants!
