H is 40 I am 41. Been together 17 years, mostly happy or so I thought. Realised that after the death of his Dad approximately 3 years ago he was shutting down and I did everything wrong. Nagged, berated, etc to try to get him to engage. Distance between us grew. He stopped seeing his mates etc and seemed to have no interest in life.
Last year I got "the speech" - BD No1 - I am not happy I want a divorce, ILYBNILWY. Of course OW in background. She was married with 2 kids and I think he realised that it probably would never work. We reconciled but things didn't seem to change, I tried to reach him but he just got more and more distant. We went to 1 counselling session but he didn't want to do it anymore, and said "we'll be fine" stupidly I let it go.
Fast forward to July of this year, I can see he is really shutting down and doing all the things from his first affair. I try to reach him againg but I got BD2 first week of August. Finally admitted there was OW 2 on 5th September but refused to tell me who. I have found out it is a woman he had a sexual relationship (not a GF or anything she was just the town bike that had issues and was passed around from one guy to the next) with approx 18 years ago before we met.
He keeps telling me he is unhappy with me, she makes him happy, she's just a friend, this isn't about sex etc. Or at least he did I haven't initiated any relationship talks for 2 weeks. This time is really scaring me, I think he is in full blown MLC. This woman is single albeit with 2 kids. She doesn't mind wrecking relationships, in fact she is known for it. She had to move 120 miles away to get away from her reputation here it's so bad. He knows about her and her behaviour and yet still drives to see her every weekend and two or three nights a week and commutes into work.
He is much more serious about her than I realised at the start. This time he has told his Mum about our split (scared to do it last time) and moved into his Mum's ostensibly although he is spending every single moment he can with OW. Having said that he hasn't told anyone of OW. Because he has stopped seeing his mates over the last couple of years, she is the only one that has his ear.
We work together so see each other Mon-Fri, 9-5 and I am trying to do the DB stuff, but I am just so scared I feel like it is immobilising me. One moment I want to run for the hills and divorce him, next I want to wait for him. I am sure he will see it for what it is one day but I also wonder if he will be able to do all that I want to R in the future. I realise I wasn't over the first affair and although he went through the motions of trying to be patient I don't think he really understood how insecure I was, or how much it screwed me up.
Currently as I work with him and his Mum I have asked for some time and space to decide what I want to do. He said his ideal situation would be that he'd be living on his own (yeah right) but I'd still work at our business. I am going on holiday on my own at the end of October, should've been a romantic break for us both, but he doesn't want to go. Won't stop me from going but I am wondering if I can decide what to do. His Mum and he are expecting an answer about whether I stay at the business by then.
Sorry for long post. Any advice would be most gratefully recieved. ND
