Hi Wendylon, so sorry you're back! Good to hear you're able to recognize your part in the deterioration of the R, so time to get to work
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
Looking back over the past year, I can see that I have definitely made lots of mistakes. His LL is words of affirmation and I haven't been good with that. I've been critical and fed up with him, for good reason as I see it, but it hasn't helped one little bit.
You're obviously familiar with 5LL, so if you haven't already, my first suggestion is to read it again and refresh yourself on the principals. As a reminder, the purpose of 5LL is to fill your partner's love tank whether you think they deserve it or not, because once you fill it then great things start happening. Don't sit around waiting for him to change or become more positive, YOU need to take action to make that happen.
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
He hasn't been pulling his weight in terms of family responsibilities and he has been pretty grumpy and unpleasant.
Sounds like his love tank is empty. Fill it, then he'll start filling yours. DO NOT tell him what he's not doing right, he'll perceive it as nagging and the sitch will just get worse. Remember the 5LL principals, fill his love tank and he will take the initiative to improve other things like this.
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
I didn't feel that I could trust H to attend to all the details. I imagine that H will be out of the house as much as he can be while I'm away. He tends to sleep a lot as well so I didn't want S13 wandering around the house on his own.
You've got to trust him. There's a blurb in DR where Michele touches on this, about how she would always get in the middle of arguments between her D and H and no one ended up happy. Then she finally realized it was a cheeseless tunnel and quit pressuring her H, and once he realized she trusted him he went out of his way to improve his R with their D. It wasn't until she backed off and trusted him that he felt the freedom to take control.
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
H hasn't mentioned OW to me since Aug 14 when I was v upset but I know that he is hoping to go on more work-related trips with her and I know he spends lots of time at a community work-place called The Hub, which is where they met. There is a cafe/bar there so I wonder if that is why he comes home smelling of alcohol.
Quit worrying about OW and focus on you and your R. Fill your H's love tank and practice DB and he won't need or want the OW anymore.
Originally Posted By: Wendylon
In the meantime, the last time we ML was about a year ago. He's just said that statins have decreased his libido. I don't actually find him very attractive at the moment so it's not really a problem for me.
Don't assume that neither of you needs sex. I guarantee you H does or there would be no OW in the picture. And I bet you need it more than you realize as well. His primary LL may be WOA, but I promise you that rocking his world with mind-blowing sex will go a long ways towards filling his love tank too. You should work on all 5 love languages, not just the primary.
