Tomorrow is a New Day

[mamabird]

Actually Hopeful I had another thought that kind of goes against what I've been telling you. I wonder if a night out with just the two of you would be beneficial.

In my "old" M, whenever my H and I would go out together we would usually have a nice time... I say usually because the last time we had dinner alone before all of this happened was truly awful. It actually reminded me of the last Valentine's Day I spent with my XBF just before we broke up. Anyway, it would give us a chance to reconnect without the kids.

Just a thought. If things start to go well again maybe you could plan a date night. Use your judgement. Don't push it if it doesn't feel right.

Good for you on the progress regarding D talk. You're on 7 weeks, I'm on 4 days I think...

[hopefulinga]

Hey LA, when we go to dinner alone, it is usually great. And I think it would be beneficially to us. And if we had been doing more if it before the bomb, we probably wouldn't have had the fight that led to the bomb. However, when he dropped the bomb, he told me that he did not want to go out on any dates with me, so I am scared to ask right now. I don't want to ask and have him say "When I told you I wanted a D, I told you I did not want to date you". I indirectly hinted around it at the concert I asked him about, which he said no to.

He did agree to a dinner in November. Other people will be there, but if he sees we have a good time, then maybe he will open his mind if he doesn't before then. Again, I think part of his confusion because he knows when we are getting along, things are great and we have a good time. His mind is battling that vs. the evil W.

No ILY since over the weekend. I haven't really said it to him either, but I do every so often. I am trying to show him that I am not continuing to be a b!tch to him after our confrontation on Monday, which the old me would have done. And I haven't brought it up or made a smart remark, which the old me would have done.

In the mornings, he does come by my chair and lets me give him a kiss. There is another way for him to get out the door if he wanted to. No real hugs. However, we really didn't do that before anyway. I don't think touch is one of his LLs. If he is in a bad mood, he doesn't want to be touched.

So, I still see some small things that look like they are in the right direction. I am trying not to be hypersensitive to his moods and wonder if it is because of me or the sitch, and get my mind going. Today he is in a lot of pain, so he is understandably a grouch.

[Breakdown]

Keep watching those baby steps...recognize and celebrate them!

I like the date night thing, but I would suggest you keep it ultra light, no R talk, steer clear of sore subjects, and don't get dragged into an argument. And frankly, I wouldn't call it a date...I'd just call it dinner.

[hopefulinga]

I don't think H is at the point that he would go to dinner with me. Before all of this, he would always tell me how tired he was, he was always on the go and hated to go out because he wanted to relax. Plus he said I was a good cook, so why waste the money. What I started to see what that he became very selfish and would not look outside himself to see that going to dinner would give me a break and that maybe he should put his feelings aside to do something his W wanted to do.

I don't think it was always this way, but we were never really let's go out to go out people. There was always something to celebrate or an event we were going to. Since he likes concerts, that is why I tried to suggest one. My best bet is to try again with the concert tickets I have for November.

So looking at it, I guess that cycle is a more of the same I need to figure out how to break. Honestly, even before we were married, we rarely went out just because.

And we never talked about the M before, which is part of our problem. I have no intention of R talk. I will see it by actions not words.

I do know that right now he is ultra stress with being behind at work and I'm having to beat money out of his customers. It helps me to know these things so that I don't take his moods personally, which I am trying not to do. I would like him to tell me he is in that position instead of him making the assumption that I know or should know. However, I am not sure that a discussion is the right thing. I am thinking about leaving him a note that says it helps me to know when you are under stress so that I don't overract, etc.

[hopefulinga]

I've thought of another positive step for me in my DB process and not reacting to H, which is really listening to what he is saying and not trying to read things into his words.

I asked him the morning if he would go to a drs appt with me and he told me that he was really busy, behind in work, unable to think about drs appts right now, and that we would talk about it later. I know from past experience that I will have to bring this up if I really want it discussed. I said, Ok I understand how busy you are and it's fine to talk later.

What I didn't do is get negative and say to myself, Oh, he just doesn't want to go with me, or whatever else I could come up with.

[hopefulinga]

I went to the Y today and rode a bike for 30 minutes, and tonight I went out and bought some new running sneakers.

I did an ok job of trying not to be clingy today. I called H about a business matter during the day and he did answer, and we talked about it.

But I just did something I realized afterwards I need to resist doing. I sent him a text to see if he wanted me to bring him a package to the airport. His response was not necessary. I need to stop offering to do stuff like that for now.

I also discovered another area where I've hurt his feelings and will start to try to correct. 2 years ago we bought me a jeep and fixed it up. It is very special to me because H put a new engine in and put a lot of work into it.

2 weeks ago he told me someone wanted to buy it. I told him that it was special to me and I wasn't ready to sell it. Tonight the person that wants to buy it told me that when he told H he wanted to buy it, H said he would get me to sell it because I don't drive it.

I used to drive it every weekend and I guess got lazy. It is at the airport, so I have to go there to get it. I asked H several months ago to help me get it home so I could have it and my other car at home. He never did.

I think giving things is one of his LL. My eyes are opening to this.

My goal is to start driving it every weekend starting this weekend.

[hopefulinga]

I guess I got too happy. Tonight was down the hill of the roller coaster. Time to pull back. I'm going to have to re-read LRT and probably employ some because I am having a hard time pulling back and detaching when I have to deal with H.

H came home on time and seemed ok. During dinner, I talked to him about what the repair guy said about our dryer, which was don't waste time repairing it, get a new one. I explained this to H and got no comment. I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said he didn't care. I told him that I wanted his input before I did anything, as he told me he didn't want to fix it himself. He asked me how much one cost and I told him, then he asked about the repair price which was 1/2 of the cost of the new one. Then it all spewed from there.

In a very aggitated manner, he told me to go ahead and buy a new one so that I could take it with me when I left. He then said that I should buy a new washer while I was at it, and buy the top of the line and spend thousands. He then said, do like you always do, buy new and pile the old up at the curb that has nothing wrong with it (exageration). Then he told me to replace all of the appliances in the house. I started to shut him out at this point. He said something about me spending and spending, blah blah blah. Pretty funny from a guy who has spent close to $25K on motorcyles and accessories in the past 3 motnhs.

I remained calm through out and told him that I was sorry that I upset him and could understand how he felt the way he did. I also told him that my intention was not to upset him and that I had no problem repairing the dryer and had not intended to buy anything expensive if that is the way we went. My DB coach said to try to be funny, but I got caught off guard and froze up. I was overthinking what I should say to not further fuel the fire.

The final comment was "We should just burn the house down so we have nothing to split."

And all of this was infront of our D. The good news is that I didn't cry. I'm more angry than I am upset because he was being an a$$hat and totally insane.

Right now my only support is my mom, so I called her and got some reassurance. I then read some more codependent no more and a book of emergency prayers.

Most of what he said is completely contrary to our original D talks, which were I could have anything in the house I wanted, he would buy me new applicances, etc.

I pretty much steered clear of him for the rest of the night. I had to ask him if he saw the insurance cards I put on his desk and he said no and I that I should not put anything in all of the clutter in our house and that I should leave it somewhere out in the open. I told him that I understood that frustrated him and that I would leave it on the counter (and pointed because I was standing there).

I almost want to laugh right now. But I'm sure in the morning I will feel different.

Even after I confronted him on Monday, we were interacting fairly well, but not perfect. I don't know if POW is egging him on, or if he is pulling away and this is some of the grieving. He didn't say D but said everything else around it. First time since 7/30/12 the talk has gone this route.

[scaredsilly]

"I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said he didn't care." stop here. he doesn't care. make the decision yourself and execute. you don't even have to tell him what you decided. he doesn't care. pushing to engage just made him angry.

"I had to ask him if he saw the insurance cards I put on his desk..." another attempt to engage him.
try to detach from him.

[hopefulinga]

"I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said he didn't care." stop here. he doesn't care. make the decision yourself and execute. you don't even have to tell him what you decided. he doesn't care. pushing to engage just made him angry.

I honestly thought about this SS. The old me would pull the trigger without consulting him and taking his opinions into account. I would have bought the new dryer and felt the wrath at some point. I actually think he does care. If he didn't, he wouldn't have spewed about my spending money and putting perfectly good things at the curb.

You are correct about the insurance cards and I realized that after the fact. Another reason why I am going to have to pull back. I think I have to acknowledge to myself that I will almost have to ignore him.

I will continue to try to read my books at night and try not to be in the same room as him.

[scaredsilly]

of course, he cares. but you have to take him at his word. if what he says leads to him being angry, maybe he'll say what he means, in the future, and not expect you to be a mind reader. it's not your fault.