Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[breakdownbill]

Hey Cutter

I was reading some of your older posts for some inspiration & came accross this little gem. It is beautifully written & really got to me, I feel like I've been on this run as well.

After I got the bomb I stopped taking my ipod for a run & started having my own internal dialogue, whilst being in tune with the landscape and life around me, greeting the people I passed on my run.

Thank you for this...it comes pretty close to articulating that union of your body, mind and soul when a run can channel all that emotion, energy and passion in harmony with a steady pace that beats like a drum.

Today I ran. A slow burn. Pace so slow. Distance far. My body struggled with me the whole first 20 minutes to quicken the pace. To speed it up and get it done as quick as possible. But today’s goal was not to burn quickly. But to remain constant. Savouring the moment as I savour a beautiful glass of Malbec on a cold winter night. Fighting every fibre in my body I forced myself to remain calm. To move at a steady slow pace. Forever keeping the feet at a slow determined yet fluid motion. I savoured the moment. The weather. Cool , grey skies, wind from the north. All gifts to keep me cool and the silence was a gift. The woods. They were still masked in the dusk of winter. But everywhere you could hear the sounds of birds. Building their nests.

Preparing for dawn.

I kept the pace. At the 25th minute the calm overtook me. I accepted where I was, how far I had came, and where I was going. New dreams , new hopes. The truth of the moment appeared before me. I thought of previous blizzards. When the white snow is falling hard and the wind whips all before it. Those moments when time stops. When you can actually experience a moment in time. As it all pauses. The silence, the beauty of the moment. Only can this be experienced at night. Driving in the car. A moment when one is alone. And you witness everything stop. Then you drive through the moment. Awaiting another one. A moment of truth.

And I continued to run. Pace so slow. Distance far. But my energy was boundless. I knew at that moment that this would be one of the most beautiful runs I have experienced. I thought of myself. I thought of all these lies that tried to destroy me. I thought of truth. Not truth of the story. Not truth to cut through the lies.

But the truth.

My truth.

And I ran.

35 minutes now. The river was now to my right. The current full of the winter thaw. Ran fast in the opposite direction. Yet here I was safe upon the land. In a trail that kept danger at bay. My pace slow and steady. One foot landing in front of the other. The muted thump after thump after thump. No shortness of breath. No pounding heart. All in sync. All as one. A pure moment of truth. My mind , body , spirit and soul were all as one.
Peace.
At the 45th minute I decided it was time to speak the truth.
I am betrayed
I am healing
I am strong
I am abound with inner strength
I believe in myself
I am a kind and caring person
I am working every day at improving myself
I am hopeful about my future
I am in control of the present
I am at peace with that I cannot control
I am at peace with the past
I am proud of my actions
I am not afraid of my thoughts
I am not afraid of my actions
I am not afraid of speaking my thoughts
I am not afraid of acting
I speak the truth
I speak openly when needed
I listen when needed
I listen because what is said to me is important
I listen because I enjoy what you say to me
I listen because I wish to learn
I will have a full and happy life
I have grace
I have strength of character
I smile with my eyes
I have self worth
I believe in myself
I have endurance
I have persistence
I have a purpose
I have strength
I have determination
I have courage
I have clarity
For I am truthful to myself
I know now that I will fall in love again
because I know I can love again
I know now that I will love again
because I can trust again
I know now that I can trust again
because I was granted the gift of unconditional love.

And I kept running out of the woods and back into the town. I ran through downtown. People were out walking their dogs. Some were families. Some were alone. But neither made me happy. Neither made me sad. For there was a truth to this moment. Each one was enjoying the moment. And that was what mattered. My perception was truthful. For this was the only meaning of the moment. I was alone. I was happy. I kept my pace. You all were in my thoughts. So I smiled. And kept the pace. Slow. But my energy was boundless. So I kept running.

At the 80th minute I finally saw another runner going in the opposite direction. The first one today. And as we ran past each other we looked at each others eyes. And we smiled and shared the moment. One runner to another. Both running a slow pace. Both enjoying the moment and the feeling of our bodies complete in tune with the goal.

A dream run. I had it today. For when I finished and started my stretching I knew something magical had occurred.
I kept a pace. I accepted that it was the distance that mattered today. Not the finishing time.

I was finished.

Fully and completely.

My life is now.

It's nearly 1am where I am and I feel like going for a run right now But I'll save it for the morning

Bill