Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[Arsene]

Hey Rough,

As you know I'm going through this at the moment and yes, time does help, but you need to supplement it with lots of techniques to keep the OM, and what your W is doing at any given time, off your mind.
I visualize a giant stop sign whenever such thoughts starts to appear an then I visualize something positive (usually my D8 laughing).
The pain is still there and it makes me feel like this will now be more difficult to resolve positively because now, she has to get over him and nothing I do now has much of an impact because she's still on a high. In the case of your W, she might not be emotionally involved. It might just be a fling which, IMO is easier to get over.
In any event, Like Denver and ACC said. Give yourself some time to process things. Don't react to it in your present state.
If you still want to save your family, as I do, think of the final positive outcome and that will make it all worthwhile and help you through the tough times.

Take care of yourself mate!

[roughenough]

Arsene, That's very helpful. Yeah, there wont be any gunshot replies to W, I know better. For now I have no intentions of bringing it up. Thanks a lot for your support.

[Denver_2010]

If you still want to save your family, as I do, think of the final positive outcome and that will make it all worthwhile and help you through the tough times.

True ^^^

[Accuray]

Acc, do you mind me asking how you handled W’s affair? Denver said time makes things easier which gives me a slight sense of comfort, hopefully that will be the case. Did the passing of time make the sting a bit easier on you as well?

Rough, my W's affair(s) didn't go beyond kissing, but two of them were intensely emotional and would have gone physical if the OM's didn't put the brakes on. She was effectively looking to hook up outside the marriage from 2009 - 2011 (being coached by one of her friends) and had a few false starts before she got a couple longer term things going. I didn't learn about any of it until it was all over, so my situation is different -- I didn't have to watch it while it was going on, and I'm very thankful for that. I also got to a point where she said she wanted our marriage to succeed after only a couple months, and that also made things easier for me.

That being said, I suffered intensely, and for a long time. I was tortured by it. I had limited bits of information and my brain would fill in the worst possible interpretation of everything I knew, and would replay it again and again all day long. Then over time, I'd fill in what really happened by learning more. Sometimes that made it better, sometimes that made it worse.

Initially I was on a quest to know *everything*. I wanted a minute-by-minute accounting of everything that happened. What I eventually found is that you can't know everything. My W didn't even remember everything, and of course her memory was selective. For a long time I would suffer bouts of deep depression when I felt I just couldn't keep going.

I felt profoundly rejected, I felt replaced. I felt like I wasn't "good enough" and had failed in some very personal, very fundamental way, and I felt like she would never having feelings for me like she had for these OM's -- unfortunately that is true.

What my IC told me was that those bouts of anxiety and depression would over time become less frequent, wouldn't last as long when they happened, but that the last thing to go would be the intensity.

So how did I "handle it"? I survived, that was all I could do. I took it a week at a time. I rode literally hundreds of miles on my road bike. I spent a lot of time talking to good friends on the phone about how I was feeling and what was going on.

Eventually there were three things that probably helped the most:

1) Develop a support network you can call on 24x7 when you need it. IC is great but you can't call them at 11:00 at night when you need to talk.

2) Make a plan for yourself that expresses and reflects who YOU want to be. For me, it was losing weight and getting in better shape.

3) GAL -- people toss that around, but it is really so very critical to get out and meet new people, because you realize more and more there is good life to be had outside of your marriage and that other people will value what you bring to the table, even if your W cannot right now.

Eventually, over time, you "get your Mojo back". I started to feel better at about the 10 month mark, and a lot better after a year. At that point, I had no anxiety or depression episodes, I rarely thought about it, and I had a lot to keep me going outside of my relationship with W.

I still get sad from time to time, I still feel haunted to some degree and I probably always will. I think that if W 100% committed to the marriage and working with me on getting both our needs met, I could probably recover to 95%. Without that, I'll probably get to 85% inside the marriage and would probably reach 90% outside of it.

I don't know if that helps you or scares you, it's a long road, and it's a heavy weight to carry.

Accuray

[Accuray]

(In terms of your religion question, W and OM were both avid church goers, I am not)

[Denver_2010]

I hope it’s not a taboo subject, but oh well. A good friend of mine that I have a lot of respect for told me something very interesting yesterday. He said that religion, church, etc… played a major role in the limited marriages that he’s seen reconcile. Would anyone of you agree?

It played a role in my M reconciling. My W is a believer and her faith is important to her. I, on the other hand, have always resisted. I have tried to open my mind and heart to it more so since she left me. But she has mentioned that her belief in God caused a lot of conflict in what she was doing early in our S. So, I think that it played a role in keeping her heart "in the game" so to speak. Especially when she thought that she hated me and was done with our M.

[roughenough]

Acc, thank you for sharing. From what you described, you were in a very dark place. I can see why it’s something that you will never forget. As you put it, you felt profound rejection but you survived. Hundreds of miles on your bike sound like a good thing to do. No wonder you dropped some pounds. I need to rememeber Arsene’s advice which is to remember the hopeful positive outcome.

I had to see W for a second today when she dropped off the kids, I acted “as if.” Nothing’s been mentioned about the spiteful message. You see, it bites and it’s a tough thing to accept. The only thing that slightly made it easier is the fact that it pretty much confirmed what I was thinking. It’s not like it was something that just came out of nowhere.

In terms of religion, it sounds like a mixed bag. Personally, I pray daily. I work in a smaller office and I am very thankful it’s very non pc. I consider my boss a friend, he’s an awesome guy. He’s a big black guy, 6’9 and an ex basketball player. He knows a fair amount about my sitch and he’s extremely religious. It’s really nice because every now and then he will say a very powerful prayer with me. I feel truly blessed to have him as a boss.

I know I am a mess right now but I will survive. I looked at my children before bedtime and thought about what Arsene said which is to have no expectations but still keep your eye on the positive outcome. Thanks guys!

[roughenough]

Before we got our Labrador I had a Rottweiler for 12 years, she was such an awesome dog. After she died I couldn’t stand to look at pictures of her, it just hurt too much. I know it sounds like a silly comparison but I am experiencing the same thing with my W. It’s like she died and I really don’t like seeing pictures of W right now. Every now and then I might see a pic of her on FB or she might email me some pictures of her and the kids and I have to look away as quickly as possible. I guess I don’t like to look at things that give me negative feeling. I know this might sounds ridiculous but that’s just how I work.

On another note, a coworker came up to me today and said, “Hey rough, did you see that smokin hot chick downstairs this morning?” I know the women he’s talking about and yes, she’s a hotty with a naughty body. Here’s the thing, I see these hot chicks and I feel none of them compare to my W.

I am heading to meet with my pastor later today and I am looking forward to getting his input. It’s also a good idea that I am seeing him because my 1st appointment with an IC isn’t for a couple more weeks.

[Denver_2010]

Before we got our Labrador I had a Rottweiler for 12 years, she was such an awesome dog. After she died I couldn’t stand to look at pictures of her, it just hurt too much. I know it sounds like a silly comparison but I am experiencing the same thing with my W. It’s like she died and I really don’t like seeing pictures of W right now. Every now and then I might see a pic of her on FB or she might email me some pictures of her and the kids and I have to look away as quickly as possible. I guess I don’t like to look at things that give me negative feeling. I know this might sounds ridiculous but that’s just how I work.

On another note, a coworker came up to me today and said, “Hey rough, did you see that smokin hot chick downstairs this morning?” I know the women he’s talking about and yes, she’s a hotty with a naughty body. Here’s the thing, I see these hot chicks and I feel none of them compare to my W.

Totally get it Rough. I was the same.

[Arsene]

Here’s the thing, I see these hot chicks and I feel none of them compare to my W.

Yup. I know the feeling mate. Yet, I know that in our lives together, I did occasionally have a look at pretty ladies but now, they all seem pale in comparison.