So here's my story part 2

[afa75]

Now that I'm at a computer instead of my smartphone. Here are responses / update type stuff.

Responses first:
Tori - She says she wants out so the LRT / Ultimatum's won't affect her. It would help her. She says that she has lied about OM's reputation, "made it worse than it is." I'm still pretty sure there is a record and he sounds like bad news. We talked, and I'm hope that she will respect the kids' wishes, if not mine, about not wanting to meet anyone yet.

LaBug - I say this respectfully in re: to my W, it's more issues for her to deal with than just her first M.
W. claims not to drink anything when she's around him. She has said "not one drop" on several occassions. So who knows. I will say she is generally anti-drug due to her father's past issues.
I am considering counseling for each of the kiddos. The two oldest kids have a lot on their shoulders. I know that I am currently their rock, they are my anchor for when / if my moods go really dark and thoughts to the bad spot.
I think too much of what others think of me. That's my problem to fix for me.

Update of events:
We had "family" dinner. It was awkward. S7 and I went walking on our street to try and sell popcorn for his scouts. He did pretty good; and it was fun to just walk with him. Only downside was having to deal with our neighbor / W.'s bff. Definitely had to "fake it," a positive PMA.
We came back in, I spent time with the boys (hopping back and forth between rooms as they were doing separate things), while D and W went for a long walk.
S kept asking how to stop the divorce. I couldn't really respond, other than everything will be fine no matter what happens.
I then tried to work out. I generally did what I normally do, but is was as rough as could be. I tried some meditation (new thing), and then all of a sudden I woke up. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I fell asleep for about 10mins. Either I meditated too well, or my mind/ body shut down out of sheer exhaustion. Then of course I couldn't go back to sleep for awhile.
This morning I helped get S2 ready as usual, and then dropped S7 off to school. I spoke with mom regarding the talk yesterday and my numbness. She actually said :maybe it's time to let go. You've tried your best."
I think she may be right. I think I may have had too high of expectations of DBing to save my marriage versus saving me. I'm stuck again with having to face the actuality of divorce. I think I was lieing to myself; and that's how come #2 on my goal list with Zig, was so difficult.
To end, at leat for now, W and I texted this morning regarding kids being at school and what not. She sent an email to S7's teacher to keep an eye on him, I had told him to talk to the school counselor if needed. W.'s last text was "This bothers me." I have no clue what it means, or how to reply. Therefore, I'm sticking with the take time to reply attitude. Maybe that will help me, somehow.

I'll check back later, as for now, I'm a mixture of numb and sad.

[tori2012]

Andrew, if you are ready to let go, it's okay. You know what you want best.

A few comments:
- Counseling for the kids is a great idea.
- Meditation and working out--also great.
- Moms, family members, friends, they all will say that you did your best and to let go. They have the best intentions, but subconsciously, want to feel better themselves. They are suffering bc you're suffering, and think the best way to stop it is through D.
-DB is also about GALing and reclaiming your independence even if your M doesn't work out. Keep at it.
-Let her do whatever she wants to do, GAL, take care of yourself and the kids. This is DBing, and things might change before D papers are filed. Ask yourself what you would do if she changed her mind--that's a really tough one, esp after an A. After I found out about my H's A, I felt I didn't want to be married for 6 long months. Then, with time, I felt differently. Too bad he lost his desire to work on the M at about the same time...
Hang in there. Keep posting. Hope I can help.

[bustingout]

hi afa75....sorry for the numbness and sadness...you know i feel very similar lately too ....(((( ))))

despite everything this made me smile

I tried some meditation (new thing), and then all of a sudden I woke up. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I fell asleep for about 10mins. Either I meditated too well, or my mind/ body shut down out of sheer exhaustion.

i tried meditation for the first time this summer too...and i also fell asleep! lol...i don't think that was the real point of it but at least i was relaxed enough to sleep without panic thoughts!

you are going to be ok, you know that right? You will be. we all will be. even this is not the best sitch for our kids, i know mine have helped me stay grounded and focused on growth, even in my darkest times.

((((( )))))

[labug]

Thanks for the clarification, I must have misunderstood your post.

Sorry that you are going through this. But you WILL get through if.

[afa75]

Tori,
I am a very visual thought oriented person. As my mother spoke the actual words "let go," I visualized myself letting go of the rope. Per a different thread, at least another portion of it.
As far as the 99% probable PA, (also a problem that I'm a visual thought person...UGH), I'm now viewing it as disgust. Disgust based out of I deserve better, not one of the angry, "How could you do this to me?" state of mind. That's at least a step in the right direction for me. I'm at least now not pining away waiting for her to see the how bad of a person OM is. In fact, I'm not speaking nor trying to think negatively of him, I don't want that karma on me. I can however look at facts about myself, and see what she is / would be missing out.

Bustingout,
First, thank you for the kind words and the ((( ))), right back at ya ((( ))). Secondly, glad I'm not the only one who that has happened too. 8) Something about reading your thread, your struggles and triumphs, as well as similar current state, and the "picnic," made something click in my head. I've reread it several times, to try and identify what exactly it was. I still can't other than, my fear of being alone, my perceptions of others viewing me as invisible too, not being that important. Anyways, shortly after the "click," I magically became so much better. I told myself, I am a good person, and I meant it. I then went about the rest of my workday. Random things triggered past memories with the W, and I was thankful. Random other things, triggered possible future moments that will not occur, provided she files, and I was okay with that. Oddly enough, at peace, with a smile. This "magical" PMA continued for the rest of the day and evening. I think it needs to be reawaken, and that's what I'm trying to identify.

Labug,
You're welcome for the clarification I suppose. I often wonder if my rambling posts make sense. On a serious note, W.'s first M did have a great impact on her, despite it being a short relationship (lots of emotional / physical / and probably sexual abuse). There's just simply so much more to her story that adds to her, part of why I as a "fixer" was maybe drawn to her, without even knowing it.

Miniupdate in addition to the above.
W. still has whatever weird bacteria infection, one that may require surgery. Last night she laid down early to go to sleep. After my workout, I walked over with my "magical" PMA, and simply told her in a very genuine way and non-pursuing way. "You are the mother of my 3 children. Please keep me updated on what is / needs to happens." I feel as if she really heard me, especially because of the way I framed it. She did respond with, "and you too." Fortunately there's nothing pressing going on with me physically, not that I know of.

Oh, and today was another she's running behind / late to get to work kind of a day. There's a pattern to this. Anyways, she eventually sent me a rather nice text, "sorry for just now sending this. S2 is at daycare." She went on to add how cute he is, and how she thinks it's cute that he comes down to snuggle with me in the middle of the night. Nothing major, but I'll take a little niceness when it's there.

So that's where I am at this very moment. Not quite "magical," but working on finding that strength to tap into. A part of it is related to me being viewed as a man, not just a husband, father, or employee; perhaps truly DB for ME. I realized last night how much more confident I can be and safe and secure I can be for the kids. I do know that "I WILL BE OK,"
*especially with all of your support 8)
((((( ))))) to all!

[tori2012]

Nice job. It's great to see that you are doing better and having all these revelations.

Take care of yourself so you stay healthy and strong.

I felt the same disgust every time I thought of my H's PA. I still have not been able to let go of the hatred toward the OW. I'm trying to avoid ever seeing her again. She lives 5 miles away and plays tennis at all the tennis clubs in the area, so maybe at some point I will see her again. I hope it's not any time soon. This woman might be one of the worst people I've ever encountered in my life, and now that I think about it, if my H had stayed with her, that would've been karma--well deserved.

Anyway, hang in there. We're here for you!

[afa75]

Trying to work on going forward with self reflection and actions. CBT type stuff to improve self while DBing.

Today W was sending nice little emails about the kids. She even let me know she was leaving work early. A little unusual for her these past few months. She even liked a comment I made of a mutual friend of ours.

At this point, I have nothing to lose but myself, only can I gain for myself.

[afa75]

Not even sure is this journaling or what I need from this post as I was going to stay away from my own thread for a few, but I want opinions please.

So lately W has been changing, getting dressed in front of me. Nothing major, just tops, bras etc. The other night she shared a complaint about one of her breasts. So of course, I took a look, she asked me too. It was PG rated.
Then tonight she was about to give s2 a bath, and decided to go bathroom right in front of me (per, not trying to run me out by the other ;)). She watched me to see if I was watching her, which I actually wasn't. Many of these things occurred regularly before the bomb was dropped. Obviously all that has changed in the past months.

Oh, and D11 and I have been talking about getting a dog. She's wanted one forever. I love dogs too. So we were talking about how we could get one for us, regardless of what happens. So tonight W says jumps in and says "she" thinks it is time for us to get a dog.

So what are the opinions...simply part of the dance where I pull away and she comes forward? Or what?

These scenarios almost make me laugh (oh, and of course I want to peek).

[Denver_2010]

So what are the opinions...simply part of the dance where I pull away and she comes forward? Or what?

Yes. Make a note of it as a small, positive, step. And take it as a sign that what you are doing may be working. Therefore... continue doing whatever it is that you are doing.

[bustingout]

Hi Afa75---are you enjoying the picnic??? :-)