More patience??? Really???

[zig]

ps. imagine the t-shirt vanishing into thin air, and then forget about it.

and i bet you it will be gonso bonzo

[ces67]

I'm good. I see the temptation to want more faster but I recognize it and let it go. Patience and space have served me well thus far so I'll keep doing what works. Our MCr even commented that my ability to allow W space has been a big complimentary style to help her deal with what she needs to deal with.

Not sure my W liked hearing that but I sure did. Keeping up my own activities. I have a quick overnight that I'm leaving for shortly for work. Its drivable and the location allows me to take 2 of my nephews to breakfast in the morning. Both go to college in the town I'm visiting so I'm taking advantage of it.

I'm thinking the t-shirt will go away eventually and I won't have to lift a finger to do it!

Good vibes to you this week!

[ces67]

Journal stuff:

Its been a quite week for the most part. Not much to report. However, at some point, my W got irritated and I have no idea why. She has been acting in previous patterns. She is withdrawing, she is snapping at me and making side-ways insults at various points; not actually insulting me but associating my name with things that didn't go well.

Anyway, its not about her at this point its about how I live life and stay focused. This is not a linear path and I have expected set backs.

I have had to really focus on managing my emotions this week. Old fears have crept up on me out of nowhere it seems. Feelings that I'm kidding myself and W is only going through the motions to buy herself time. But there is nothing new to substantiate these concerns. And maybe somehow, these things have come out of me in some way that has triggered my W's irritation. Not sure.

I've maintained "act as if" activities of helping where I can, initiating questions/conversations even though they go no where and staying positive with the kids. It still hurts but I'm able to detach myself from my W's roller coaster. I feel for her because I know she is struggling, but I don't have to subject my moods to mirror hers. In fact, it feels much better to feel up beat in spite of the negativity she is focused on.

We have our 3rd MC session tomorrow. Our only homework was to go for a walk and talk to each other about general topics given to us to help us get re-acquainted. The week days were crazy so I suggested on Friday evening that we go for a walk yesterday or today. Last night W as in a mood so I knew it wasn't going to happen last night. Today its been raining and W is taking a nap. So I will bring it up again after she wakes up to see if we can make it happen.

I really want to talk about what is bothering her, especially since in our last session we talked about the way our response to conflict was hurting our M. But I've decided she still doesn't feel safe so its better to go for the basic stuff to help create a safe atmosphere that will hopefully allow her to open up later on.

Other stuff. It looks like W is getting the job at the lady's clothing store she likes. She has one more "interview" with another manager on Tuesday which seems to be a formality. The actual hiring manager is already trying to get her scheduled for training.

I leave Tuesday for a business trip and will be gone until Friday evening. Maybe that will give her some space to process. Part of me feels guilty that I get to go on trips to cool places and its paid for and W has to stay at home. But this is part of my job. And not to be spiteful, but the reality is my W has travelled quite a lot over the past 2 years and created significant financial burden on the family in doing so. So not sure why I feel guilty and I need to (and will) get over it quickly.

One more thing...In one of my W's snapping moments, my S13 actually chimed in to stand up for his little sister which in one way I thought was really cool. However, his tone was not respectful to his mom, so I did stop him and redirect him so he was aware. I never looked at my W when I did this so I don't know her reaction. And that's OK, because I did what I felt was right and took the opportunity to instruct my S13 on respect.

[sayitaintso]

Good Luck today CES!!

[needgrace]

Hi CES,

Sounds like you are doing great. I can only imagine how hard it is when W's attitude changes and the old fears creep back but it sounds like you are so AWARE and able to sit with those feelings instead of react. I am glad that you have MC today and I hope that all goes well for you!

[ces67]

Thanks SAIS & NG,

Today has been a good day overall but physically and emotionally draining.

W and I spent a good bit of time last night in the ER. W was having chest pains. Fortunately it turned out to be nothing serious. But her family has a less than pleasant history with heart issues so we don't take any chances.

So that led us to an MC session in which we were both sleep deprived! In spite of this we had good conversation and I feel fortunate that God has put us with a MCr who my W feels comfortable with and can express truthful observations without coming across as threatening but understanding.

W talked about her emotions around having to get a job and the potential resentment of being less available for the kids. Our MCr made the connection of my W's abandonment from her own childhood as a potential trigger for her fear regarding less time with the kids. There was even discussion about how W was angry that her mom did little to protect her and her siblings from an abusive father and deep down W may fear not being there to protect her kids even though there is no threat.

I had the opportunity to express concerns about finances and needing assistance from W to improve our situation. We both spent time just listening to what the other said.

By the time I got back to my office W called me. She started off by saying that she absolutely trusted me with the kids and while she has fears, she realized they are irrational at times but she wanted me to know that she has no fear of me being with our kids (which is good since there has NEVER been any reason for that). She also expressed anger towards her parents. She has been very purposeful in not using her childhood as an excuse but is realizing through our MC that she truly has been impacted by how she was raised and it is creating a lot of anger for her right now.

She also confessed that she is not doing what she should when it comes to the finances and she wants to do better. Here I reinforced that the past can stay in the past and we just need to move forward with better choices.

I also took the time to reinforce that even though her abusive past may be impacting her negatively, that this was not her true identity. I pointed out the great stuff she has done as a mom and as a friend to others and how she has been a blessing to others. And even though we have some hard stuff to deal with, the good stuff was still there too and it is real.

So it seems some scabs got pulled off some old wounds today. It was painful but also helped air out some wounds to heal more effectively. We shall see. Overall, I think it was a positive day.

[needgrace]

CES,

Glad to hear about your MC session. I think that the hurt and fear from our childhoods can derail our M if we are not aware. Sounds like your W is having he courage to face the past.

Nice to hear!

[labug]

Wow, all good stuff,ces!

[zig]

(((((((( ces ))))))))

beautiful

You are really coming into your true self. Your post just made my day

You truly do love your wife, so keep focusing on loving her

zig

[ces67]

Journal stuff...

Just checking in. I've been travelling a good bit with work over the past week. I've never been in a role to require conferences so this is a change for me. Had one last week on the west coast and now another next week on the east coast.

MC continues. We've had 3 sessions and our next is not until 10/15. W is struggling right now. Not sure what the full weight of things is because she is still not in a place to talk too much with me. However, the results of this weight are not causing the attacks they have before. She just seems to be exhausted and carrying a heavy burden.

She did go back to the doctor this past week which is a good thing. She's still waiting on final confirmation of the job she interviewed for. She is hoping to hear today about a start date.

Me..hmmm. I'm keeping with the patience thing. There a frustrations and temptations that I have to face almost daily. I feel stronger in facing them. They can be draining at times but I'm also learning how to keep my batteries charged. A big part of that is surrounding myself with friends who tell me what I need to hear vs. what I want to hear. An even bigger part is staying connected to God. I'm learning more about how God expects me to live from my heart and its truly amazing how that helps me focus each day.

Its been about 2 years since I've heard my W tell me ILY or received any actual affection from her. I wish it weren't that way but it is. I also realize that what she is or is not able to do, does not define my value. I also realize that I can still provide these things to her without expectation of return. I still hope it will be returned, but there are no timelines. It seems to go back to living from my heart as God describes. It allows love to flow out more deeply in spite of what may be going on around me. Its hard. But its also liberating.