Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

W had a couple non kid questions for me. Last night I told her it wasn’t a good time and she could call me today between 12-1. After receiving the text saying she’s had sex, she went on to send me another message saying “you only answered one of three questions I had, please answer the other two like a normal functioning human would.” I still haven’t responded because I ALREADY told her she could call me at lunch. Even though she’s angry, I really don’t appreciate her sending me misrespectful messages like the one I just mentioned.

I don’t know if my DB techniques should change after finding out that W’s been with someone else? I am so hurt and confused right now. I am sure forgiveness is important and I am also trying to decipher Bond’s comment?

[Accuray]

Rough,

Yes, something like this, if true, takes things to a whole new level. You have to decide how you feel about it. For some people, it's a dealbreaker. For others, not so and they can get beyond it. At the very least, it was a mean and spiteful thing for your W to say.

If you are playing games with your W in your communication, just for the sake of trying to get the upper hand, that could be sabotaging your efforts. Why was it a bad time last night and why didn't you want to answer her questions while you had her on the phone?

DB doesn't advocate any gamesmanship, it advocates protect yourself, and work on yourself.

If true, I'm very sorry that it has come to this, I really hope she's bluffing.

You have two options when you talk to her:

1) Ask "would you like to discuss that text you sent me?" and give her the opportunity to expand on the comment. If she asks if you've been dating or had any one-nighters, I would just be honest with her -- "I have been faithful to our marriage".

Just an obvious warning that this will be very difficult to hear, so think through your "escape phrase" to get off the phone before you let emotions take over -- i.e. "I have to process this, I'll have to call you back"

2) Ignore it and don't bring it up at all. The risk here obviously is that it continues to torture you, and/or she continues to taunt you with it whenever she gets upset because it's not out yet.

Lots of thinking for you to do, and a place that nobody wants to be in. If she really has had sex, I'm sure she's hoping you have too so she won't feel so guilty. That may be what's motivating her suspicious comments -- projecting and hoping.

Accuray

[roughenough]

Thanks a lot Acc! You might disagree with me on this but I’ve felt it’s important to not always be available for W while DB’ing. Yes, I could have spent the time to talk with her however I asked if tomorrow would be ok and she said, “that’s fine” but it angered her. I think she thought I had another women with me, (farthest from the truth). You see, W’s not in control of EVERYTHING. If I try and tackle everything she’s asking, I would be worse off. I will no longer be walked on or give in to every request from W and I am ok with that. Her being demining with me serves no purpose and we are on an agreed payment schedule. She can be as mad as she wants but I am not a strict budget. At this stage, she’s not getting additional funds, I will remain consistent on this and I won’t let W try to scare or intimidate me. Being hurt though, that’s a different story.

Your right about her wanting to reduce her guilt. That’s why she texted me that silly message a couple weeks ago asking me if I was dating anyone and then she went on to say “I guess you have my blessing.” I don’t really doubt her infidelity. I actually think I would be foolish to be in denial of it. Acc and others mentioned that for some it’s a deal breaker and for others, they can work past it. I just don’t know that to think about all of this. Maybe a could work through it because I do want my family back.

The cards are stacked against me and I am not very hopeful as of today. In terms of the options you provided Acc, I don’t know if I see the benefit in bringing up the text to W. Why would I want to dig for clarification or details? I also don’t know if it would do any good to let her know that I haven’t been with anyone. What I do on my free time is my business and even if I told her “I’ve been faithful to our marriage.” I don’t know what purpose that would serve and she probably wouldn’t believe me anyway.

W and I are separated, it’s torture anyway Acc. Do you think by bringing these topics to the surface right NOW is really necessary? I just don’t know how it could be helpful with my “sitch” or wellbeing at this point. It really wasn’t until NOW that I truly understand when some of you guys comment about how hard it is to keep fighting.

I don’t mind being called out on things from you guys, it helps keep me in check. I am just wondering if I am being logical about this stuff?

_________________________________
Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[AnotherStander]

First, do you know she really has had sex? She may have just wanted to push your buttons, or try to get you admit that you had.

You might disagree with me on this but I’ve felt it’s important to not always be available for W while DB’ing.

That's true, but you're going about it wrong. The idea is don't always pick up the phone when she calls, let it go to the voicemail and call her back later. Don't reply to texts for a few hours. You want to leave her with the impression that you've got other things to do and are not always available. But, if she's talking to your son and she knows you're right there and asks to talk to you and you basically hang up, you're not sending the message that you're "independent but available", you're sending the message that you don't want to talk to her. Cheeseless tunnel.

I will remain consistent on this and I won’t let W try to scare or intimidate me. Being hurt though, that’s a different story.

Well by all means vent here, that's what we're here for But don't let this harm your PMA. If you goal is to get your W back, remember that you have to show her a positive, atractive, happy you no matter what she throws at you.

I also don’t know if it would do any good to let her know that I haven’t been with anyone. What I do on my free time is my business and even if I told her “I’ve been faithful to our marriage.” I don’t know what purpose that would serve and she probably wouldn’t believe me anyway.

Many of the reconciliation stories here describe how the wayward spouse came back because they knew their spouse was standing for them even throughout their craziness. Their spouse was a beacon of light and hope to them when they were mired in the fog, and even though they spouted horrible things they could always see that light and they were drawn to it despite their emotions telling them to go the other way.

[Denver_2010]

Hey Rough. Sorry to read the new news. I've been there man. I know it hurts like hell. You have no choice but to go through that hurt. It will get better with time. That, I can promise.

What you don't want to do right now is let this change your direction. No rash decisions. The worst thing that you can do is let an angry or hurt reaction destroy everything that you have worked so hard on up to this point.

Give this a couple of weeks to soak in. Don't do anything. There is absolutely no reason that you have to do, say, or feel anything about it right away. It is best if you just be right now. Let time do its work.

I suggest that you tell your wife the following if she asks you about you dating again:

"I am married and am behaving as such."

THAT is it.

Denver

[Denver_2010]

Oh... and just a correction. I found OM hiding on the toilet, with the lights out, in the house that my W was renting while we were separated. I'm not sure that I would have been nearly as nice as I was had it been my house.

Hang in there Rough.

[Accuray]

Hi Rough,

I wasn't advocating anything for your conversation today -- just trying to help you frame your options. You, of course, have to decide what you need and what course is going to be most helpful. The only thing I recommend is not to play games for the sake of playing games, to be honest, and to live the life you want to live. Sorry if I gave you the impression that I was recommending digging for more info, I was not.

Accuray

[roughenough]

The vets chimed in when I needed them, thanks a lot Acc and Denver! I like Denver’s verbiage if W asks again, “I am married and I am behaving as such.” Obviously I don’t have any reason to bring it up right now so I will put that ammo in my back pocket for when the time comes.

Acc, do you mind me asking how you handled W’s affair? Denver said time makes things easier which gives me a slight sense of comfort, hopefully that will be the case. Did the passing of time make the sting a bit easier on you as well?

[roughenough]

I hope it’s not a taboo subject, but oh well. A good friend of mine that I have a lot of respect for told me something very interesting yesterday. He said that religion, church, etc… played a major role in the limited marriages that he’s seen reconcile. Would anyone of you agree?

[MrBond]

To a degree. We've seen many "strong believer" WASs who walk out on marriages and bad mouth the LBS. Some even go so far as to say that God led them to the OP.