Wow. Those are some seriously mixed signals you're receiving, so sorry you have to go through this. Have you read much about MLC? If not, please do and see if it sounds familiar. If your H is just starting into MLC then you've got a long, rough road ahead of you.
He's doing the classic pursue/ distance thing where he pulls close and then if you respond positively he pulls right back again. This is a great time to put DB into action. Don't get drawn into his game, you need to pull back yourself, work on yourself, GAL and give him plenty of space.
Regarding your question about sleeping arrangements, I would suggest not pushing him to come back to your room/ bed, he'll see that as pressure. Try and act "as if", IE, if he wants to sleep in another room then act as if that's perfectly fine with you. Act happy and content even if you're miserable inside. Show him a person he can't live without. He's got to sort out his thoughts, you can't do it for him. And he needs space to do that, so give it to him. Good luck!
My H and I had a long talk yesterday. From what I got our of the conversation is the following:
-He wants to leave but he feels financially he cannot -He said his Head is telling him one thing his heart is telling him another (to stay or to go) -He is afraid of getting hurt again -He feels like I have not "Paid" for my actions. -He feels like if he stays I get what I want and he looses and if he goes he still loose because he is going to be trapped. -He feels like all of the changes I have done in the last 3 months were acts to get me to stay. He said "Now that I finally have you acting like a Wife I want to go" A little too late...... -Me going out and not telling him where I was going, he perceived that as me stepping out on the marriage again..... -If I wanted him to stay I should be telling him that and reassuring him why I want to be with him
He said a lot. I have been reading the DR book and I have been detaching and GAL. It is very unlike me just to leave and not give him my whereabouts. I had mentioned this to my therapist that I thought he would see this as me having another affair, and that is exactly what has happened.
He said he does not trust me and he cannot get those images out of his head.
Now it has been 3 years since the PA with not contact since then. I am a bit confused now. It seems like the things he wants me to do are the opposite of what the DR book is saying. It appears to me he wants me to "pursue" him and reassure him and check in with him.
I am not sure if the DR book is giving me the right advice for my particular situation??????
So I went to my therapist last night and gave her the rundown. All she said to me was "I can see how you are confused" and "I think you are doing all you can do"
But my problem is I do not know how to proceed. I know the DR book says do what works. I think my H opened up to me because of the changed I have been making detaching and GAL but he asked me if I would be more open to him about my whereabouts and not be so secretive.
I am afraid if I do that he will go back to not making any progress. Is this the right way of thinking?
Should I still GAL but be more open about it?
He said if I really wanted to be with him I would be pursuing him more and making him feel wanted, but the DR books say not to pursue......I am so confused
Don't pursue him! Your attractiveness will rise if you keep a mystery about yourself. Don't be a plain, open book to read. Make up for your PA by being detached, steady and patient. It takes time for his trust and his feelings to grow.
Mystify, I do not remember if you and your H went to a counsellor after your A.
Here is what I get from your H's behaviour and words...
He still does not trust you. To me, that speaks to him having never really worked through his pain of your A.
Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but it seems as though you feel, since YOU are over and past the A, that he should be, too. I know it's old news and you don't want to go back there...
but from where I sit... your H's doubts about the M revolve around his inability to trust you. Yes, that's "his problem"... but in regards to your M... it's your problem, as well...
So, like your counsellor, I do also see how you could be confused and I also believe you are doing everything you can...
I think that a M friendly counsellor who is trained to work through infidelity issues could be very helpful, if your H is willing.
Also, while I do understand how you saying to your H that he should have answered the "private name / private number" call was your way of showing transparency, if you said it to him in the way you posted here...
Well, let me just ask this:
Do you believe you are truly empathetic to your H?
How are you showing that in a way he would believe?
Yes we did try counseling in the beginning. He went with me a few times and just go more and more frustrated (you did this not me and now you are making me feel like sh*t, his words) until he just said he was not going to go any more. Then I continued for a bit until the counselor said to me that I should just leave him because he is just so Black and White, very unreasonable and unable to show any empathy. I did not like the fact she was pushing her values on me so I decided not to see her anymore. My H and I talked and we deiced to move forward, but he did not want to talk about it anymore, so we did not.
Which brings us to today.
I really do not think just because I am past the A that he should be to, but all I do see is him being negative, and not even trying to make one step forward. I think this is where my frustration is coming in. That was until we had our talk last week and he opened up to me. But what he was asking me to do (be more open to my whereabouts, be more of an open book) seems to counter dick what the DR book is saying.
He is seeing a M counselor who is pro marriage, but again he is feeling frustrated and said he does not want to go back. So I am not sure if he is going to continue or not. He does not even tell me if or when he has an appointment.
As far as the phone call goes. What I said in the post is what I said to him. I have noting to hide, so if he wants to answer my phone go for it......
Trust is a big issue for him. I get that. I understand that. But I guess I just do not know how to show him he can trust me without being an open book.
As for the DR techniques for me mentally have been working for me. I had been obsessing over where he is going, who is he seeing, texting etc. I know he is going to do what he is going to do no matter how I feel about it. But for me, me hiding who I am talking with or GALing..is being perceived as me stepping out again. So I really am not wrapping my head about how to Detach, GAL and be mysterious and gain Trust at the same time.
Any suggestions there I would really appreciate......
I just want to first point out how very logical your post above, appears.
As far as DB goes, it is all about context. IMHO, in the context of your sitch, being transparent IS the first step.
I want you to take a good look at what your H said about the counselling the two of you were attending.
Remember HIS context. You had an A. Then you attend counselling and likely share all the things that he "did wrong" in the M, which led to you seeking the A.
Do you think he could have come to any other conclusion than that you (and possibly the counsellor) were suggesting that HE was the reason you chose to have an A?
So first, listening. Have you read or taken any training in active listening? There's a phrase that says, "There's a reason we have two ears and only one mouth. Because we should listen twice as much as we speak."
Second, please do go out and get / read the 5 Love Languages. Learn yours and learn your H's. Speak and act in your H's LL in order to communicate that you DO care about him.
Really consider how you would feel if your H had an A. What would you expect of him if you chose to take him back? Unless he will talk about what he would need to see from you, to know he can trust you, then behave in a way that is trustworthy. How ever that might look, for you.
Further to the context of your sitch, NO BEING MYSTERIOUS! Take that one off your list of things to do.
Detach is about detaching from the outcome and not about not loving your H. Truth is, I think you are already detached, consider the logic in your posts, so I wouldn't worry about focusing on that one, either. I'd personally recommend re-connecting with your H. That may begin with opportunities to just spend time with him, listen to him (without feedback), or just watching TV with him. Unless he asks for space. Then give him space.
GAL in your case would absolutely need to be transparent. Going out? Tell him when, where, and ask if he wants you to bring him anything on your way back. Ask him to tag along. Read. Take up quilting. Go out with people HE trusts. There's many ways you could GAL, that would be completely open and transparent.
oh, and in usual KD fashion, here's one more thing:
Could you list about five things that your H has complained about you. If he has not, list five that you THINK he might have complaints about you. Even better, ASK your H for five things that he might have complaints about you. That would be a great way to practice listening without giving him feedback. Do not defend his complaints. Just thank him for letting you know and if he wants to know why, just let him know that you are working on yourself to be an even better person than you already are.
Of course, if he gives you ten things... feel free to post all of them here.
