Tori, I am a very visual thought oriented person. As my mother spoke the actual words "let go," I visualized myself letting go of the rope. Per a different thread, at least another portion of it. As far as the 99% probable PA, (also a problem that I'm a visual thought person...UGH), I'm now viewing it as disgust. Disgust based out of I deserve better, not one of the angry, "How could you do this to me?" state of mind. That's at least a step in the right direction for me. I'm at least now not pining away waiting for her to see the how bad of a person OM is. In fact, I'm not speaking nor trying to think negatively of him, I don't want that karma on me. I can however look at facts about myself, and see what she is / would be missing out.
Bustingout, First, thank you for the kind words and the ((( ))), right back at ya ((( ))). Secondly, glad I'm not the only one who that has happened too. 8) Something about reading your thread, your struggles and triumphs, as well as similar current state, and the "picnic," made something click in my head. I've reread it several times, to try and identify what exactly it was. I still can't other than, my fear of being alone, my perceptions of others viewing me as invisible too, not being that important. Anyways, shortly after the "click," I magically became so much better. I told myself, I am a good person, and I meant it. I then went about the rest of my workday. Random things triggered past memories with the W, and I was thankful. Random other things, triggered possible future moments that will not occur, provided she files, and I was okay with that. Oddly enough, at peace, with a smile. This "magical" PMA continued for the rest of the day and evening. I think it needs to be reawaken, and that's what I'm trying to identify.
Labug, You're welcome for the clarification I suppose. I often wonder if my rambling posts make sense. On a serious note, W.'s first M did have a great impact on her, despite it being a short relationship (lots of emotional / physical / and probably sexual abuse). There's just simply so much more to her story that adds to her, part of why I as a "fixer" was maybe drawn to her, without even knowing it.
Miniupdate in addition to the above. W. still has whatever weird bacteria infection, one that may require surgery. Last night she laid down early to go to sleep. After my workout, I walked over with my "magical" PMA, and simply told her in a very genuine way and non-pursuing way. "You are the mother of my 3 children. Please keep me updated on what is / needs to happens." I feel as if she really heard me, especially because of the way I framed it. She did respond with, "and you too." Fortunately there's nothing pressing going on with me physically, not that I know of.
Oh, and today was another she's running behind / late to get to work kind of a day. There's a pattern to this. Anyways, she eventually sent me a rather nice text, "sorry for just now sending this. S2 is at daycare." She went on to add how cute he is, and how she thinks it's cute that he comes down to snuggle with me in the middle of the night. Nothing major, but I'll take a little niceness when it's there.
So that's where I am at this very moment. Not quite "magical," but working on finding that strength to tap into. A part of it is related to me being viewed as a man, not just a husband, father, or employee; perhaps truly DB for ME. I realized last night how much more confident I can be and safe and secure I can be for the kids. I do know that "I WILL BE OK," *especially with all of your support 8) ((((( ))))) to all!
On a serious note, W.'s first M did have a great impact on her, despite it being a short relationship (lots of emotional / physical / and probably sexual abuse). There's just simply so much more to her story that adds to her, part of why I as a "fixer" was maybe drawn to her, without even knowing it.