I'm doing a bit of sabotaging my own success. H is slowly moving his stuff back and is a bit dissapointed that I'm not running up to him and helping him move it all back in and jumping up and down with joy. Unfortunately all the conversations and feelings from when he moved the things out and from the last 16 months are playing in my head and affecting my mood. Also, it is more clutter in a home I have been trying to de-clutter! The sad thing is I know these thoughts are jeopardizing my own happiness, yet I keep going down the same road, repeating it all in my head and getting annoyed with H for past deeds. I know I have to stop it, just not being effective in my stopping it.
H bought me some fun underwear for Valentines. We exchanged gifts and sort of celebrated on Friday as we were having visitors for the weekend. And then I couldn't put it off any longer (why didn't I listen to you Manisha) and while laying in bed I asked why he didn't wear his ring. He said why don't you go get it and put it on. So I did and it felt really good to see him wear it after all this time. He said, we have come full circle now, haven't we? I then asked what he was waiting for to put it on, he said he was going to do it on V-day, but hey, Friday the 13th seems good enough. One more day, that is all I needed to hold off for.
We are beginning to confront our problems instead of letting resentment build. Last night H expressed his displeasure in my lack of attendance of boyscout functions (I do all the family stuff, H does the one on one), again it is because of the bad feelings when it started, H is an Eagle scout and I have the attitude that if that is what boyscout teaches you (to only be loyal when it suits your purpose--who cares if you leave your wife or family) I don't want anything to do with it. Also, H made a big deal about not being able to bond with kids, so thought this was good bonding time. He said, though, if I take older S, he can bond with younger S. I need to put the past in the past and get over the stuff. I guess I'm still punishing H for his past deeds and words and need to really forgive him, not just for some things, but all.
