Hey, the idea of you and H spending 10 minutes together before dinner doesn't make dinner late, it simply means that you have adjusted the time that your family sits down to dinner.
My H hated that I picked up the kids and then rushed home and threw something easy together just to get it on the table. So we changed our dinner time to 6 p.m. and I have the time to relax a bit and fix a decent meal for us. Of course, now he isn't here all the time to eat it with us, but he is here some of the time.
So, adjusting your life is good considering the outcome with your H!
Have a great day and keep on DBing!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I love the 10 minute idea. I have heard of that before. H is still in his cave when he gets home and needs time to unwind and not talk. You would think the 40 minute car ride would be good enough.
I am so happy for you that your H has "woken" up. I pray that for my H and for all the other WAS!!!!! Have a GREAT weekend!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Jackie...so glad to hear things are going good...I never ralized how hard this next ride would be...the doubts..fears that come up..all mixed in with the fun stuff. Working on ourselves and keeping the changes going, seems like it will be a life long thing..
I'm doing a bit of sabotaging my own success. H is slowly moving his stuff back and is a bit dissapointed that I'm not running up to him and helping him move it all back in and jumping up and down with joy. Unfortunately all the conversations and feelings from when he moved the things out and from the last 16 months are playing in my head and affecting my mood. Also, it is more clutter in a home I have been trying to de-clutter! The sad thing is I know these thoughts are jeopardizing my own happiness, yet I keep going down the same road, repeating it all in my head and getting annoyed with H for past deeds. I know I have to stop it, just not being effective in my stopping it.
H bought me some fun underwear for Valentines. We exchanged gifts and sort of celebrated on Friday as we were having visitors for the weekend. And then I couldn't put it off any longer (why didn't I listen to you Manisha) and while laying in bed I asked why he didn't wear his ring. He said why don't you go get it and put it on. So I did and it felt really good to see him wear it after all this time. He said, we have come full circle now, haven't we? I then asked what he was waiting for to put it on, he said he was going to do it on V-day, but hey, Friday the 13th seems good enough. One more day, that is all I needed to hold off for.
We are beginning to confront our problems instead of letting resentment build. Last night H expressed his displeasure in my lack of attendance of boyscout functions (I do all the family stuff, H does the one on one), again it is because of the bad feelings when it started, H is an Eagle scout and I have the attitude that if that is what boyscout teaches you (to only be loyal when it suits your purpose--who cares if you leave your wife or family) I don't want anything to do with it. Also, H made a big deal about not being able to bond with kids, so thought this was good bonding time. He said, though, if I take older S, he can bond with younger S. I need to put the past in the past and get over the stuff. I guess I'm still punishing H for his past deeds and words and need to really forgive him, not just for some things, but all.
Hi Jackie ~ Thank you for your post on my thread yesterday. I wrote some to you there, but wnated to stop in and say hi here too. Hope today is going well.
I think the sabatoging is a normal part of what happens to some extent when a WAS moves home, just based on the reading I've done.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are doing a terriffic job and have been all along. Cut yourself a little slack every once in a while. Then, remind yourself of all the incredible positives with your M. It's amazing, Jackie.
If I let myself think for any length of time about what all has happened, or if I start to think about the last year in terms of how those who haven't been exposed to db principles would view the circumstances (How could you let him treat you that way? why would you ever take him back? etc.) then I begin to feel resentful pretty quickly. This pushes aside the most unbelievable and wonderful part of this last year - that my H is home.
That is great about H's ring and your Valentine's celebration!!!!!
You and your H seem to be making very steady progress. This is a tough time, trying to figure out how things will work best in your new M. Give yourself credit for doing a tremendous job and being very patient. The forgiving is tough, but you're already making progress here too. (((((((Jackie)))))))
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Quote: I need to put the past in the past and get over the stuff. I guess I'm still punishing H for his past deeds and words and need to really forgive him, not just for some things, but all.
What if you shared with your H why you are having a difficult time? So he knows that it is not him moving back, which, of course, you are happy about, it is the haunting images... of course, if he would take this badly, maybe you can just tell him you are having trouble with the memories, whatever. Just make it clear to him that you love him, that you want him there... or just put aside the awful feelings for now, and act as if everything is wonderful... give your H the gift of that.
You are an inspiration... and you make me remember the importance of waiting.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
