About to separate....

[mamabird]

Nail,
I feel for you. You are in a really tough spot.

Back in June my H caught me "sexting" and demanded that I move out. This was the straw that broke the camel's back in a very damaged R. He threatened D VERY VERY seriously.

I was so desperate to win him back that I did move out for 3 months and stayed with my parents. We did not have any separation agreement; I left because he asked me to. (And also because he threw all of my stuff on the living room floor and became a complete lunatic.)

I will say that the space did us both a lot of good. I had to come back to the house almost every day to see my kids. That was trying. My H was so mad that would do anything to avoid me. But gradually and in very small increments, things slowly began to improve.

I have to agree with Bond and the others though: DO. NOT. MOVE. OUT. There are legal ramifications to this. I know you are scared and desperate right now, but she can move if she wants her space so badly.

After being on this board all summer, I eventually came around to this thinking and moved back into my own home at the beginning of this month. Sure, my H hated me and spat venom and threatened D and threatened to move out and all of that. But you know what? It only lasted a week, and he doesn't even bother to leave the house anymore when I am home. Turns out he doesn't need "his space" that badly.

Now we are somewhat separated in our home. I am sleeping on the sofa bed, which stinks, but at least I am at home. I am the "sinner" in this case which puts me at a disadvantage, so I accept the punishment of the sofa bed.

I do my best to leave him alone. He doesn't eat dinner with us. Fine. He loses out and ends up eating chips and salsa in bed. He doesn't want to do fun things with us on the weekends. Fine. He misses out on fun and time with his kids. Etc. I don't ask him twice. I barely ask him once.

But... I also know my H and know when and how to be affectionate with him. He's opened up to that over time and it has helped us make progress, whether he knows it or not.

My advice - work on detachment. It is hard, very hard. Do not talk to your W about the R. Leave her alone. Give her what she wants. She will realize pretty quickly that being alone is not that fun, especially if you can swing some super fun stuff with your kids. You live your life as if she weren't even a part of it, and I guarantee, you will see her come around. Look for the little signs and HANG IN THERE!!!

You come to this board as often as you need to when you feel like you are dying. We will be here for you.