busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Ok I just want to journal what happened yesterday:

You guys will be disappointed in me but I ended up talking the R talk and OM in this relationship with the W.

I just felt all this anger building up and I needed to get them out. So I ask the W if OM contacted her, and she said "well I think he called my work but I wasn't around, and I think it was him but I didn't talk to him". So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me...

So anyway, we went on and I told her the next time she feels like deceiving me, let me know or D my a$$$. I felt I had to give my boundaries and basically told her I don't want to be deceived again. She really promised me she will not do it and if she does she'll let me know. So I said, Ok that's fair enough.

See the last time she lied (9/4), s3 kept asking where she was, she told us she has a meeting. I had no idea until I got some proof that she was lying and that she was actually with OM. Low life OM was in our town that weekend. I told her, you know it's one thing you deceive me but I will draw the line if the piece of sh!t OM takes your time away from my Kids and you end up lying to the kids. I was just boiling...

I know this is not the DB way and not what I was working at, but I needed to make it clear and let her know I wouldn't stay in this M if she entertains OM again.

I told her she's got a choice, that I can not control her actions but I have a choice to react and not to be in this marriage as long as the low life OM is in the picture. Honestly, this is what I feel. And I really won't tolerate it if this happens again, meaning I'm out.

I don't know how much damaged it did. And frankly at this point I don't give a rats azz. I'm just pissed of the stitch.

She was concerned about my anger, and so I told her yes I'm very angry but this emotion I need to process and it will wear off.

I'm to the point that Im not gonna let her change my mood. I'll try, I think that's detaching, isnt it? I'm gonna be myself and if I get burn so be it, but i'm not going to walk on egg shells anymore.

Maybe I'm just pissed right now or maybe impatient to all this. But maybe one day I'll get it. But right now I was keeping it all in and I didn't want to blow up.

Please remind me again how to do this. Maybe I have to let my anger pass.

Today W bought me my favorite pastry. On her defense she was very apologetic, and hoping that I can forgive her. She said she's trying and reading the 5LL. I felt a little relieved on this.

The thing is I'm struggling to trust her. She said all these promises before that she won't talk to him and then it happened again. I guess I just dont want to get hurt again.

Sorry for the rambling. I needed to vent I guess.

Tonight's journal was pretty quiet. I said Hi and all but that's about it. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Newman