Quote: I wear them the rest of the time, but not around H. What message am I sending him?
That you're willing to accept whatever outcome there is ... in the meanwhile you are hoping for the best, but willing to move on if need be.
All I can really tell you is I'm sure H notices when they are off ... as to what his interpretation is ????? ... only he knows and anyone he tells.
I always kept mine on in order to enforce my conviction I expressed to her that I didn't believe our M was over and given enough time we will work things out. I did take it off a few times with I was alone in public ... just to see how it feels.
One time I did take it off just before bed. Boy did she notice and questioned me? I just replied that my hands felt all sweaty.
Now she says she doesn't wear it because "its that time of the month", but now its been "that time" for the whole month of January?!
Thanks all for stopping by. I can't say that I ever thought of myself as an inspiration. Still hard to believe I am where I am, but I'm enjoying it, that is for sure.
I went and rowed my own boat this weekend for a scrapbook convention, was able to call H to just joke with him and he called me too. Much different than last year where looking at family pictures was torture. On Monday he bought me a dozen yellow roses just to say he missed me.
Wednesday was to be our T day, but the ice decided differently. H went alone and T gave him the boat lecture and also talked about how he needs to be supportive of my independent ventures. Also talked about how we must speak up when something is bothering us, not holding it in, something I think we both do.
We're just hanging out in the evenings, he has now started cooking dinner on Tuesdays so S7 and I can do karate. The spending 10 minutes when he gets home to reconnect is really going well. T even said she only thinks we need one or more sessions and we are out on our own. I semi-joked that I wanted him to see her through his 40th birthday, I got a "peanutbutter" for that one and let it drop.
I'm holding off on the ring, going to do what you advised Manisha and give it the month and then I will say something. His lease is up on 3/6, don't know if that will have any significance, but if it isn't on by then I will speak up. It has such a long history, as when the bomb came 11/02 he took it off, citing that I hadn't worn my for years (I got too fat with S7, didn't wear it, but about 2 months before bomb finally got promised anniversary ring and haven't taken that off). I debated many times to take it off, but thought I'd keep it on as a sign that I still had faith in him and the m.
So we are relitively drama free here. That is a welcome change after the last 16 months.
Jakie...sorry i have not been around much...you have so many great things going...I may need to come and get advice from you as I step into this next journey with h...but it is a great step.
Jackie - things sound so good. I am so happy for you. Sorry work is keeping me away from the bb. I miss you! Take care of yourself. You are an inspiration!!!!!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
You sound really good. I am happy to hear you rowed your own boat last weekend. I am working on rowing my own boat too. I want to make sure that when the next R comes along - I find a solo boat rower that I can link up with - I don't want to end up siamese boats like I did towards the end of my M! LOL!
I can see where the "peanutbutter" came from. I know that I was pretty sensitive when The X and then X GF implied that I was the one that needed help - especially if I was feeling like I had screwed up in some way. Right or wrong, I felt like they believed that they didn't have anything to work on themselves - that all of our problems were about me.
Yellow roses are sooo cool! I am glad that you are giving him time to work out the ring issue on his own. He is aware of its importance - remember what an issue he made of your ring just a few months ago. It is possible that some of the hurt/gunk associated with that issue is somehow shaping the timing of his decision to wear his ring again. He will though - he just needs time to sort through his stuff!
The ring might be a good issue for you to discuss with the T during your next alone appointment.
Jackie you really help me believe in R's again. The X and I did so much work - so much of the work you are doing sounds so familiar to what The X and I did. Unfortunately The X's depression won out in the end. For awhile I was so disillusioned - I didn't believe anymore. Seeing some of the techniques work for you make me realize that in the right R, the effort you and your H are making can really pay off and make a M stronger.
Thanks for dropping in! I'm still in awe that it is going this well. He even asks what more he can do it supporting me in pursuing my own interests. Who would have thought we would be here? It is so much different doing this when both of us are working on it! I think the tango for one can work, at least make them interested enough to try and then when they finally have the ephinany, things start to move at lightning speed. Manisha, your advice is still on the top of the list in what saved us, I think: Don't do anything to exasperate the problem.
Manisha, me an inspiration to you? I find that hard to fathom as I find you so impressive, if I could only have your brains and beauty! You also keep me grounded in seeing his point of view, or possible POV. I know enough now with "PB" to stop talking/questioning, but you give me some insight into why. Who would have thought the wreck I was in September and the downward spiral the R was on would lead to this? He said this weekend that he almost threw away love and now he has found it again.
Nik, the 10 minutes was an idea H and T came up with. H always felt that I was throwing the children on him when he came home. I guess I never thought this was so (after the infant stage) and didn't put enough stock in it. Their idea was for H and I to spend 10 minutes in a different room from the kids to just simply talk about our day and reconnect. The kids are getting better about leaving us alone, when they come in we tell them that it is Mommy and Daddy time and we'll be with them in 10 minutes. It is really nice and does make a difference. Now dinner is always late, but I guess happiness is worth it.
We just had a simple, boring, nice weekend, though I did go out part of Sunday with girlfriends to a chocolate fest. Need to keep rowing my boat to keep me interesting to myself and him!
I can't tell you how much the support here has meant to me. I don't know if I could have survived these last 16 months without everyone here. So a big thank you for all the advice and words of wisdom and comfort that have been printed here!
Hi Jackie - Thank you for your post on my thread. I really appreciate your steady support!
Things sound so good here! I am stealing some of your ideas! I am so happy for you and your H and children. You are inspirational to so many here. Thank you for setting such an example and for being such a good friend to me.
It would be great to meet at a flyfest sometime!
Take care and God bless~
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
