I am wondering, and this might be a question for a WAS, how come I can have a friendly conversation on the phone with my W, and when she drops the kids off 20 min. later she seems cold towards me?
Perhaps the conversation with you is simply easier on the phone. Perhaps there was someone close by and she didn't want to sound to them as if she was being rude. Are you seeing her in person because she's dropping the kids off? That's not fun. Perhaps something happened between the call and meeting up that had nothing to do with you. Don't try to mind-read. She'll likely tell you if she has something to say.
I'm not aware of phases that a WAS goes through, as evidenced by the fact that the situations culminate anywhere from full reconciliation to full D. I believe, for the most part, the phases happen before the bomb is dropped. Some people have signs, some don't. By the time the bomb is dropped, the WAS has had time to run through all the phases, and sometimes it's a LONG time. As opposed to the LBS that gets blind-sided and then has to deal with it all pretty quickly.
I would like to ask you about your 180's. If you've read the book, you know that has to do with addressing/changing the things that she has had issue with. I don't believe I've read anything in your posts that indicate you even know what those are.
And as far as her saying, "I miss you," it certainly messes with your mind but it also makes a bit of sense. I relate it to someone having to decide to amputate a limb. The person might realize it NEEDS to be done, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant of a decision. Now if there's a lot less pain afterwards, that's when the "missing" stops. You want to create a situation where it is not less painful when you're gone.
180's are kind of difficult for me. The only thing w has said about the breakdown of our marriage is that I am controlling. So I don't have a lot to go on. I have been trying to support and respect her decisions without offering advice unless it is asked. Just trying to be there for her when needed. Otherwise I am trying to live my life from a place of love and kindness, be the best father and friend that I can, and enjoy life to the fullest. All I can do is hope that she will see what she is giving up and start to open up about other issues that she has with me and our marriage. That way I could start doing more 180's.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Quick question for anyone. Both of us have read the love languages book. My w's language is words of affirmation. It seems to be very difficult to express affirmation right now as we are not living together. Any advice on how to do this would help. I do tell her that I think she is doing great on her own and that she is strong and will make it. She had expressed doubts about being on her own. I also tell her that she is a great mother as she has expressed doubts about that as well, based on the fact she left and created a broken home for our children. Not saying that I don't deny my part of the relationship failing. I accept my role in that.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
"I would say I am mildly controlling". What do you consider mildly? In what ways were you controlling? There is a difference in a man controlling...and being the leader in his home.
It's reasons behind her leaving is rather vague, other than she wasn't happy and couldn't "treat you like a wife should treat her husband", which simply means she doesn't feel sexually attracted to you any longer.
She has two very young children, and suddenly she wants to pull out of a secure relationship where she can stay home and not leave her children in a day care.....to see if she can make it on her own? She gets a job as a waitress and now she's ready to buy a house? Man! She must be getting some kind of tips!
Look, you obviously didn't give your W the kind of attention she needed and her feeling starved out. I dare say somebody else is having a hugh influence on that decision.
You want to know how to be an unconditional friend? Forget it. You've already said you're not sure you know how to not act like a doormat, so if you don't have any conditions to being her friend (since she just walked away a broke up your family).....which brings me to the subject of you telling her what a great mother she is! No, you don't get it!
Look, a woman is NOT attracted to that kind of man! She wants a man, not a lap dog to lick her a$$. Let a dog show her he'll always be around for her while she treats him any old way she pleases, but not a self-respecting man. I promise you, she'll invite you to her next wedding, and you'll accept...thinking you are being her BFF.
I stongly suggest you take a completely different approach!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am trying to live by the 37 rules. I do not contact her unless it pertains to the kids. I have also told her that I do not want her back if it is because she can't make it on her own, or if she can't find a better man. I told her she can only come back if it is because she believes that we can both recieve what we want out of a marriage together. I do not kiss her a$$. I treat her as I would treat any of my friends.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I think you have to take what sandi said with a grain of salt. We don't know all about you sitch. So be careful about the advice you get here. I think you are doing the right things maybe just too available to her. Don't answer every text and try to make it so you don't see her as much and when you do make it short and be the one to leave first. detach..detach detach..remember you kids are young and won't be forever make the most of the time with them..make them your focus not her....My W told me all the same things and i reacted just as you have...I thought it was hormones etc...I just wanted the problem to go away and then wham we are in the same boat. be strong my friend....
For one thing, stop contacting with her. Only consult about kid stuff if there is absolutely no way around it. Don't use the kids as an excuse to contact her.
Stop being available to her. Instead of being there whenever she needs you, have your calendar full. Don't respond to statements like, "I miss you". Let her calls go to voice mail. Don't respond to TM unless she asks something necessary regarding kids. Learn to use two or three word sentences when you do have to answer her.
Be mysterious about your GAL. Go out with other people. Don't be at your house your "normal" times.
A WAW doesn't want a "best friend" in her LBH. At least, not right now. You're too eager to be her unconditional friend! The more you are around her, the more you push her away. That's why you need to leave her alone.
She will start to want you when she thinks you are no longer interested in her.
Don't tell her that you'll do whatever she decides about the MR. You are trying too hard to be agreeable to whatever she says. That's a turn-off.
Don't go with her to pick out new houses, or things to go in her new house.
Detach......and then detach some more.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That is basically what I have been trying to do, but with less conviction than the way you state it.
It really kind of dawned on me tonight, why should I show her anything other than a co-parent when she is the one that walked out. I no I am not perfect, but I always acted with the best intentions for my family. If that is not good enough for her, it is her loss. I will/am learning what it takes to keep love alive. Hopefully I will be able to practice what I have learned with my W, if not, someone else will be the lucky lady.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
