After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

Thanks, Bug.
I try focusing on the good stuff as to stop negative thoughts, pretty much like the stop sign exercise.

Per the advice of my DB coach, I talked to my H this morning when he brought S1 back. I invited him in (he never comes in), but I could tell he was uncomfortable. He never sat down or accepted anything to drink. I asked him how he was feeling about the job loss and let him talk. I listened and validated.

He said he is looking and described his job search focus. He then added that luckily our sitch was not at a breaking point yet. I could not believe my ears but I kept my mouth shut.

When he was done I told him where I could cut expenses to help us out (not that many, really since I have already reduced my lifestyle to pretty much to the essentials), but my goal was to offer goodwill and intent to help. He didn't say anything.

I then said I understood we are no longer a couple but that our finances are still tied and offered to sit down with him to strategize together on how to tackle the next few months based on the cash we have left and where we can safe to figure out how long it will last. He said he has no idea how much cash we have left and didn't show any interest in working with me or trying to figure it out.

I don't know if he is in denial about our financial reality like he was last year. Let me explain...

When he left in Dec. of 2010 he was clearly depressed and didn't do anything to help sell our old home. I asked him to work with me to get our finances straightened out, given that we now had two mortgages which put us in the red. He reacted pretty much like he did today - said and did nothing. Yet I made the conscious decision at that time to not pressure him, let him handle it, be supportive and not rescue him. Of course that was the worst decision on my part and by the time I tried to get things going on selling the properties eight months later, it was too late.

We finally did a short-sale our older home earlier this year which left us with a huge tax debt for 2013's filing. I am ok with this debt - I am equally responsible for my inaction on this. We also had to sell our newly bought home this past May. Yet instead of re-paying a 401k loan which we had taken out for the down payment, H used the profits of that sale to pay off credit cards (joint and personal) without consulting me. I was more than livid and let him know. I don't think I had ever reacted more angrily with him in my life than that day. I also talked to his brother who is also our CPA about it and he was also furious with H, whom has never shown any remorse for his actions. Now that he lost his job, we will incur yet another huge debt with the IRS for next year since we won't be able to re-pay our 401k loan.

And H doesn't think our sitch is dire - LOL...
Hey, maybe he is bluffing as part of his D strategy to get me to panic and go get a job.

Getting back to this morning. At the end of the conversation I told him I have received the D paperwork and asked him if since he has lost his job if he had any plans to put the D process on hold. He said no - he has waited too long already and wants to get the D done as soon as possible. I told him I understand and have accepted that we will get divorced but I was hoping he would consider waiting until he got a job, since now I have to go hire a lawyer and spend money that I believe we now need for essential living expenses.

He said - go ahead and please hire a L.
So there it is... He has placed a higher priority in the D than in the financial stability of his own kids.

The whole conversation he was cold, detached, very business-like and almost defensive, but yet very calm as he usually is. He didn't look at me in the eyes and seem almost in a hurry to leave, definitely uninterested and ready to end the conversation. At times when I was talking, he literally started playing with our S1 and actually ignored me, which has been pretty standard behavior for him since he left.

I was very calm the whole time and when we finished talking I thanked him. He left w/o a hug or anything. I wished him a good day and he just said - thanks, same to you. I am proud of myself. I really handled that conversation well - didn't get emotional at all, didn't over-react or made any snide, antagonistic or judgmental comments, just very matter of fact.

I have placed a call to my lawyer and am waiting back with a confirmation of our appointment date and time. I am facing this head on.