Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

Thanks Breakdown. It has been a difficult couple of days, up and down.

Over the years, W learned to act a certain way in front of me, and be herself in front of others. Over time, I think the line of acceptable and not acceptable blurs, because there's really no one to call them on it that they trust. When W did cross the line, I think she told herself it wasn't over the line because though I was complaining about it, I complained about every little innocent thing.

I have accused him of A in the past when he's had female friends, purely out of jealousy, because he was paying attention to a woman other than me. Other people are aware of what went on last year with this woman and the exH, and it came up last week and he had to rehash it with some more friends. I think he is sometimes afraid to be real with me because he thinks I will attack him. When this woman came up last week, he told me what was going on, so he has been somewhat forth coming, just not with the level of communication he has with her. And he may be afraid that if he does, I am going to accuse him again.

We've discussed his behavior in the past and since he sees it as a "friendship" he doesn't think it's inappropriate, although I think calling a woman other than your wife while you are out of town is over the line. This is why I was so careful to tell him that I needed honesty, that this whole situation made me uncomfortable and that I wish it would go away.

so my attempt at preventing the hurt is to force honesty, which is again, a control mechanism.

I didn't consider the control issue here. I feel like I said my peace this morning, he knows where I stand and that I am not totally clueless. I can't do anything more than that other than get ridiculous and tap his phone or have him followed, which I am not going to do.

I think right now if I ask H to give up this friendship, he is going to hit the roof and we are going to get into a fight, and it is controlling behavior, which I am trying to stop. Plus, while I have circumstantial evidence, I don't have anything absolutely concrete. Yes, I know it looks bad. I've seen no sexting, I love yous, etc.

You did mention a book on trust, I believe. If not someone did and I purchased Learning How to Trust. My problem right now is that I have book overload and it is getting a little overwhelming. That one is in the pile to read.

H does not talk to her around me at all. I will give him credit for being home every night and he does not wander off at night. I think I am walking a fine line of my mind wandering and make a mountain out of a mole hill vs. facing that something maybe going on.

I am not ready to draw a line in the sand, so I am not going to threaten or set any boundaries. I am also going to try to focus on me and the M, not POW. I did open up to him and tell him what I saw, so at least I am not hiding that. Last year, when this all happened, I wrote him 2 very emotional letters about where we had been and where we were. I don't think I threatened a D at that time, but told him I was very confused, didn't know what I wanted. And I saw improvement after that, so I do have hope for now.

I am working on showing him that I am still the woman he fell in love with. I am definitely speaking to him in more of a loving tone and not arguing with him when I otherwise would. It has been very difficult, espcially with the way he's treated me when he is away vs. when he is home.