Actually, I did tell him I was going to use the computer. I told him that I saw a home remedy to get egg off of a car recently and that I wanted to use his computer to look for it. He never said anything. Since he hadn't used his computer since Friday, I doubt he remembered Skype was open. That is the only computer at the airport. I have my own at home.
I will stop snooping. At this point, he knows I know that he is not being completely honest. And that may be enough for him. This is not something he would want any of his friends to discover (not like I would tell them right now) and I know he would not want D16 to see any shame in him.
Last year I asked him to cut off communications with this woman when her exH threatened my H. He told me that since he wasn't doing anything wrong, he didn't see why he had to alter his life. After that hit, he was talking to her a good bit and there was play by play but it subsided after a while.
What do you think about not bringing it up to him unless something else is discovered or he mentions her name?
I'm thinking that once the facsination/anticipation/nervousness of being confronted by friends goes away, the need to talk to her as much will as well. I've told him that I am uncomfortable with the communications yesterday and today, so he is aware of that. I am afraid to really push it without really knowing what is going on.
He's also told all of his friends that he can back up his side legally, with witnesses and in writing. He is also aware that I could subpeona his text and phone records if I needed to in a D proceeding.
I will say that aside from all of this and his being grumpy last night, he has been treating me a lot better recently with calling me while he was gone, etc. I've thanked him for the small stuff and the calls. However, I know there is a long way to go.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Thanks Breakdown. It has been a difficult couple of days, up and down.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Over the years, W learned to act a certain way in front of me, and be herself in front of others. Over time, I think the line of acceptable and not acceptable blurs, because there's really no one to call them on it that they trust. When W did cross the line, I think she told herself it wasn't over the line because though I was complaining about it, I complained about every little innocent thing.
I have accused him of A in the past when he's had female friends, purely out of jealousy, because he was paying attention to a woman other than me. Other people are aware of what went on last year with this woman and the exH, and it came up last week and he had to rehash it with some more friends. I think he is sometimes afraid to be real with me because he thinks I will attack him. When this woman came up last week, he told me what was going on, so he has been somewhat forth coming, just not with the level of communication he has with her. And he may be afraid that if he does, I am going to accuse him again.
We've discussed his behavior in the past and since he sees it as a "friendship" he doesn't think it's inappropriate, although I think calling a woman other than your wife while you are out of town is over the line. This is why I was so careful to tell him that I needed honesty, that this whole situation made me uncomfortable and that I wish it would go away.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
so my attempt at preventing the hurt is to force honesty, which is again, a control mechanism.
I didn't consider the control issue here. I feel like I said my peace this morning, he knows where I stand and that I am not totally clueless. I can't do anything more than that other than get ridiculous and tap his phone or have him followed, which I am not going to do.
I think right now if I ask H to give up this friendship, he is going to hit the roof and we are going to get into a fight, and it is controlling behavior, which I am trying to stop. Plus, while I have circumstantial evidence, I don't have anything absolutely concrete. Yes, I know it looks bad. I've seen no sexting, I love yous, etc.
You did mention a book on trust, I believe. If not someone did and I purchased Learning How to Trust. My problem right now is that I have book overload and it is getting a little overwhelming. That one is in the pile to read.
H does not talk to her around me at all. I will give him credit for being home every night and he does not wander off at night. I think I am walking a fine line of my mind wandering and make a mountain out of a mole hill vs. facing that something maybe going on.
I am not ready to draw a line in the sand, so I am not going to threaten or set any boundaries. I am also going to try to focus on me and the M, not POW. I did open up to him and tell him what I saw, so at least I am not hiding that. Last year, when this all happened, I wrote him 2 very emotional letters about where we had been and where we were. I don't think I threatened a D at that time, but told him I was very confused, didn't know what I wanted. And I saw improvement after that, so I do have hope for now.
I am working on showing him that I am still the woman he fell in love with. I am definitely speaking to him in more of a loving tone and not arguing with him when I otherwise would. It has been very difficult, espcially with the way he's treated me when he is away vs. when he is home.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
"I actually told my wife that I would not be in a M where OM was involved in any fashion a couple of weeks after she moved back in."
this is a boundary without a consequence, hence, it's no boundary at all.
Agreed. I was hesitant to set the boundary truly, but did so after much advice from here. And as said, when she busted thru that boundary, I was ready to file for D as I didn't see any other option forward. I only backed off of it after discussing with a DB coach. In fact, my coach suggested the next time W was on the phone with OM, I say something like "tell OM I said hey."
And I'm just passing that advice forward, as I don't think hopeful is ready to force the issue either.
If I was ready to pull the D trigger, I would do it. But I'm not. I haven't read all of your posts on your sitch yet. Has your wife ever admitted to OM and the extent of the relationship?
I like what the DB coach said. I may try to employ something like that in the future. But my H is smart enough not to communicate with this woman while I am around. I used to be a real smarty pants and quick on my feet, but that died with everything else over time.
I've talked to him about work this afternoon and I was very pleasant to him and he seemed ok back. We'll see how the rest of the evening goes....
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Has your wife ever admitted to OM and the extent of the relationship?
Nope. She pretty much hung her hat on it being a friendship and nothing more. She did admit that telling him "I love you" was wrong (ya think!?), but even that she justifies to an extent, saying he has low self-esteem and needs a "little push" sometimes to get work done (they work together). The phone calls and texting involved was more than my 17 year old does, and the repeated meetings at bars, coming home hammered and such, was not what anyone would consider normal.
At the end of it, OM's W left him because of the relationship and I told my W something like "if he was really just your friend, and you can see the relationship you have with him is destroying his M (not to mention ours!), why wouldn't you stop it? Is your friendship more important than his family? I honestly don't think it even phased her.
Eventually, OM tried to piece his M back together (I have no idea how that is going) and I actually talked to his W a few times. That resulted in his threatening my life and me having to get the police involved. It got pretty nasty, so I never did use the "tell OM I said hey" line....it just doesn't sound normal in our sitch.
Right now, contact that I am aware of is minimal (though I know it still exists). W actually doesn't get on the phone or text too much at home, which is really a 180 for her. W is also very good about telling me times she'll be home (without me asking) and just being around a lot, which is a huge change from what I've seen in the last couple of years.
The one thing I read that I will mention though is that when an EA/PA stops, there's a mourning period. I really think that is true. There were weeks were my W would tell me how much of a liar OM was, and how awful he was at this or that. I think that is because he backed off the relationship in an attempt to put his M back together, but I'm just guessing. I can't imagine why she thought I was a good person for her to vent to about OM....it definitely tried my patience.
In my case, my H met this woman and other people at a restaurant where he eats breakfast. As far as I know, it was sometime in early 2011. He would mention the people at breakfast, no big deal. In June 2011, he flew this woman and another female friend to FL, which didn't sit well with me. I told him that I did not like him flying single women around. He told me the woman in question was married and thought her H knew.
Fast forward to mid July and H calls me to tell me the police are on the way because the POW's H left him a threatening VM. Apparently they separated sometime in June. I have no idea if this woman was pursuing my H at this point, but clearly, they were having phone and/or text discussions, but still nothing at home, etc. I do know she was using my H as a shoulder to cry on. And I had to get a restraining order on this clown. Talk about embarassing to walk into court on that one.
During early 2011, our relationship at the time seemed to be going well. When my H told me about the POW's H's call, I asked him if there was any truth to the accusations and he hit the roof. He told me that if I didn't believe him, that I could get out, blah blah.
It took us about 2 or 3 months to rebuild but we got back on track until we had a fight in June. During the rebuilding time, he was pretty open about when he saw her or talked to her. And if he wasn't, I asked him and he would tell me. The POW's name never came up and I had no reason to believe she was still around. Her D was final and her hooplah had subsided, so no reason to boo hoo to my H.
After mulling this over today, I feel like I've said my peace to him for now and there is not much else I can do unless I really want to push it and get ugly. Unfortunately, that would be more of the same for me. For me to say my peace and move on is a 180. I will certainly reconsider if I start to notice things.
I did stop by the airport on the way home to get H's business check stubs so that I can reconcile the account. He looked and acted like a deflated balloon. I was upbeat and pleasant. I'm curious to see how he is when he comes home.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
My dog was kind enough to plop his head down on my keyboard and erase my 2nd post!
On the GAL front, I joined the YMCA today. My goal is to schedule either swimming, Yoga, or Pilates in at least 3 times a week. And by schedule, I mean put it on my calendar like I would a client so that I can reserve the time.
D16 told H we were going to the Y and he asked her if she was going to sign up for swimming lessons, and she said no, it is for her and pointed at me. I bought an individual membership for now.
I am also looking into the Masters Swim team, however, I'm not wild about a 5am practice time. But it's out there if I decided to do it.
I am hoping some exercise will put the bounce back in my step. I am also going a zip line course in October. And hopefully sometime in the near future I will do some whitewater rafting.
I also feel relaxed tonight and feel like I am somewhat letting go. I think confronting H has helped me, even though I didn't like his response.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Good job on the GAL, and I think you are moving in the right direction on the other issues as well. One thing that helped me was thinking about what my W was actually getting from OM that I wasn't giving her. You might consider the same if you haven't thought about it already.
