Just random thoughts on my end, Witz, buy maybe she frames "getting back on track" as something more than just spending time together - which can often be awkward at this stage. I can say in my situation that there were things not far below the surface that needed to be worked out before we could "do" things together. Oddly enough, I took her to see a comedian that we both liked around Easter this year. We had a nice time - laughed, shared dinner and drinks - she even held my arm as we left the venue. Five minutes later in the car she TORE ME A NEW ONE the whole ride home. She yelled about everything....how I treated her, why she felt she HAD to get an attorney, and so on. It was awful. Almost as if she realized that she was having a good time with me and said "Wait...I am PISSED at you!!". That was the first and only time we did anything just the two of us during our ongoing situation. I say all of that to say that at the time, we had not gone through enough to work out the hurt, pain, anguish and sadness we were going through to be able to sufficiently enjoy each other's company. It was like putting varnish on warped wood....pretty, but still fundamentally f*cked up.
My D is behind me now, and XW and I are getting along and showing signs of progress. And by that I mean "stablizing" - not R. But that is good, considering "stable" is as good of a place as I can expect.
I get that you are tired of trying - I have followed your situaiton off an on. Maybe you should set your aim as not to spend time together to "work on things", but to let her take sufficient time to cool off (it may be awhile) and hopefully slowly get to a point where you can cooly address some of the issues that got you here.
I can understand where you are coming from. Her issue is that she feels we didn't talk after this all went down. Well everything I read or was told to deal with this was give her space, stop hovering. So I did that and we didn't work on anything. Now she is in a relationship that will end badly. For me I have no idea what to do anymore. Last time I went to therapy didn't get anything from it. I told him what was going on and I am stuck in limbo. I get the feeling that she wants me to make the final decision or file the paperwork for divorce because now she can't afford to use her attorney. Now I know we need at least the agreement regarding finances I just know together as a whole we are stronger then we are apart. But can we be together again. Those are the other books that I have looked at or articles I read over. It is possible. Do I feel this way because I have not found someone and moved on with my feelings? I have tried the dating sites and have not found anyone. Yes I have been on a few dates but nothing. I was texting this one woman who I was supposed to go out with this Friday and she canceled on me. She met someone online. I still have my ups and down days. When I am with my kids doing something like a amusement park or the beach I have fun but know it would be more fun if she were there next to me or maybe just someone. So I can do rides my son wants to do or take a break for a few minutes. She has this in a way. Or at least when he is not drinking. I know my day will come just feels that since all this started every time I try to get up I get kicked back down again. I was even about to email my ex and ask her what I did long ago to get her to notice me. Maybe that would help me. I have women friends tell me I am a great guy and it will happen. Well when. Last time I waited 4 years before finding my now ex. That was 15 years ago. Work is busy and doing very well. Not saving as much as I want for a house but doing better and money is better. I will be in my own home at some point while she is still stuck in a 2 bedroom condo.
Just more mad ramblings from a obscure mind at the moment.
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Witz, I agree that it sounds like her current R will crash and burn. But that's her journey and you need to focus on yours. It really sounds like you haven't detached, you're still trying to hold onto her. She served you S papers, so now would be a good time to detach. Personally I'd go along with the S with the caveat that you don't want to discuss D for "x" months, then detach and see what happens.
Your posts in this thread all sound very down in the dumps, if they represent your current attitude then you really need to work on your PMA and self-esteem. No one is going to be attracted to you if you're down all the time. Nothing improves self-esteem faster than changing your appearance. Work out, get buff, change your hair, whiten your teeth, get a tan. Your PMA will go up and you'll get noticed for your looks and your PMA. Show your W a handsome, fit, confident you and she'll be bound to question her choice of dating a drunk.
Thanks for the words. I only write on here when I am down I think. I have been going to the gym every week since all this has happened and believe me she has seen the difference. My kids gave me a shirt for my bday and I wore it so they could see me in it when she would drop them off to me. She made the comment that she will need to get me a bigger size next time and smiled. I am trying to detach myself. I have been going out with friends and keeping busy. I am on a few dating sites and not hearing back from anyone is getting to be a pain in the butt. The women that are emailing me I am not interested in. I was supposed to go out with someone last week but she canceled on me as well. She met someone else from a dating site. Like I have said in the past seems like all this $hit happens for reasons and I as of yet have not found out what it is.
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Thanks for the words. I only write on here when I am down I think. I have been going to the gym every week since all this has happened and believe me she has seen the difference. My kids gave me a shirt for my bday and I wore it so they could see me in it when she would drop them off to me. She made the comment that she will need to get me a bigger size next time and smiled. I am trying to detach myself. I have been going out with friends and keeping busy. I am on a few dating sites and not hearing back from anyone is getting to be a pain in the butt. The women that are emailing me I am not interested in. I was supposed to go out with someone last week but she canceled on me as well. She met someone else from a dating site. Like I have said in the past seems like all this $hit happens for reasons and I as of yet have not found out what it is.
If you are going the dating route, sometimes it helps to deal with some you are not completely interested in. Get's the wheels greased. Focus on putting things where you really want them to be, I wouldn't chase the ones who may qualify you to some area's that you have to get back together. Actually the right way is not to chase them but to have them chase you.
Like I have said in the past seems like all this $hit happens for reasons and I as of yet have not found out what it is.
I'm right there with you, I'm in constant prayer and always asking God to show me what his plan is for my life because I'm just not seeing it. I honestly can't see how all this pain and suffering is supposed to benefit you or me or anyone else here. God ordains marriage, in my opinion marriage and children are the highest calling we as humans can do for God. So why do our prayers for reconcilation fall on deaf ears? How can separation/ divorce possibly serve God better than marriage? Yeah we can blame it on our spouse's free will, but personally that seems like a copout to me. Even the worst marriage deserves God's intervention to save if one believing spouse is asking him to. Hopefully one day we can look back and say "Oh, now I see why he allowed that to happen." But for now it's just pure pain and mysery and beyond my understanding. It's really frustrating.
Time to plan my sons bday party and I was informed that my son wants his two new friends to come. Dbags niece and nephew oh goody. Like a friend said to me show I am the best damn father out there.
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
witz10, I feel for you. I am in the same boat. W sais she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt want to stay married. We also have kids and her family loves me to death and think she is screwing up. The only difference is, is that we still live in the same house, in separate rooms. She aslo has OM she is seeing,behind my back.She doesnt know that I know about him. It is very fustrating. I have been working out aswell, going out on weekends,but not seeing anyone, reason being, we still are married.Dont lose hope. I have been going thru this for about 14 months and am still hanging in there. Good luck to you, and to everyone else out there going thru this.
M 43 W 35 S 6 BD 7-11 Served 5-2-13 Sep agree signed 5-12-14 Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14 Divorce hearing set May 2 Divorced May 2
Thank you Kenva and that must be so hard for you. I had to move out we own a two bedroom condo and there was just no place for me.
It has been 16 months now and it seems when I go to move on or go out on a date, mind you I have only had single dates with 3 women. Nothing has progressed and I have not kissed nor been with a women since all this has happened. I am still faithful to my W. When this all started things started popping up reminders or numbers then they go away and it starts all over again. This week Dave Matthews Band released a new fantastic album which to me sounds like my life in all honesty. My gut still says hold on and give her time. Her belief is we were broken and it can't be fixed. Well how could I have fixed something if I didn't realize it was broken. A mechanic can't fix an engine unless he knows what's wrong first. Good luck to you Kenva and everyone else.
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
It has been 16 months now and it seems when I go to move on or go out on a date, mind you I have only had single dates with 3 women. Nothing has progressed and I have not kissed nor been with a women since all this has happened. I am still faithful to my W.
I don't think any of us would blame you if you did, no need to explain yourself. My personal opinion on this (and I know others don't share it) is the marriage vows are null when one spouse voluntarily leaves. Maybe that's the way I have to think about it to detach, but once my W left I no longer considered us married. I do hope we can reconcile some day and create a new marriage, but the old one is dead and gone.
Originally Posted By: witz10
Her belief is we were broken and it can't be fixed. Well how could I have fixed something if I didn't realize it was broken. A mechanic can't fix an engine unless he knows what's wrong first.
Oh man, I can soooo relate. That's been my biggest frustration is why, oh why did W not come to me BEFORE she was ready to walk out the door. I've read Michele's comments in DR about the WAW and understand what she is saying, but there were ZERO clues in my M. My W never even attempted to let me know she was not happy. She expected me to read her mind. In retrospect that's been the biggest issue in my M, my W never, ever communicates anything to me. I have to drag info out of her bit by bit and piece by piece. She never offers up anything. Anyway, it's enormously frustrating to know that I could have easily fixed things by tweaking my behaviors, but never got a chance to do so.
