Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Thanks JKS and Bill,

It's funny how just when you start, wondering what's going on, W shows up unannounced.

It's good that she did because D8 had been missing her an awful lot lately. She's cried every other night, usually as we say our prayers to thank God for all we've got, including mommy.

W was in good spirits and as she walked in, D8 and I were just horsing around and having a good time so it was all good.

W had brought back my old guitar which I had given her. I told her she didn't have to, that it really was hers but she cheerfully said that it was ok, that she didn't need it anymore. I didn't take the guitar but she brought it in my bedroom and left it on the bed. That was the end of that.

I had to go to work so I left W with D8 and as I left, W asked me when I'd be back. She said that she needed some material for teaching English to an Intermediate student (I've got lots of files on the computer) and asked if I could give her some stuff.
I said I would when I got back.

As I returned from work, W and D8 were gone, The maid informed me they had gone to the pool. They soon got back and they were arguing. W had promised D8 that they would go together to an amusement park nearby but that it was now too late since she had school the next day. I didn't interfere.

Minutes later, I hear them yelling at one another. W was angrily saying :"let's go!" to D8. And D8 was saying:"No, I don't want to go anymore!".

I went and asked what was going on. Apparently D8 insisted (I think she had a tantrum) on going to the park and W eventually gave in but angrily.

Once I found out, I told D8 that it was indeed too late and that we'd just have dinner as a family instead. D8 wasn't happy but she complied.

W was standing with her back to me and she was still angry. She said how she didn't know what to do, and how to deal with D8's anger. I told her it was ok, that I understood how frustrating it was. She said she felt guilty for what was going on and that she was disappointed that on the one day she can spend the whole day with D8, they end up arguing. I validated and listened to her without saying much. She asked me what she should do with D8 and I told her that she didn't have to agree to every thing D8 was asking for. D8 is testing her boundaries and no matter how we feel, we must maintain discipline but do it with love. W started crying, so I took her outside and put my hand on her shoulder (what I really wanted to do was to hug her but I held back).

There she said that she wondered if it wouldn't be better for D8 to be with her. That took my breath away. I asked her how that would solve the problem and she said she didn't know. I then told her that I didn't think it would help. I said that D8 missed her family, not just one of us or the other. W said that she just couldn't do that. Throughout the convo, I listened and validated as much as I could and most importantly, I stayed calm. W was in tears the whole time. When it seemed that she was done, I just said that we should get some dinner and went in.

There, something great happened. D8 had been in her room and as we walked in, gave each of us a miniature greeting card she'd just made. Mine said she was sorry about getting angry with me in the morning on the way to school and that she would try to be happy the following day. W's probably said something similar about what had just happened. We both were touched and gave D8 numerous hugs.

Dinner went well. We had some spaghetti with a sauce I had made the day before and W mentioned that she hadn't had my sauce in a long time. She seemed to enjoy the meal and we had a good family moment.

After dinner I suggested we went to a nearby playground for a few minutes and W agreed so off we went. On the way, W mentioned that at one point in the week she'd met a common acquaintance and that it felt weird. She said it brought her right back to the old days. I validated and listened but she didn't volunteer more. She also said that it might be good for D8 if we did more family things on Sundays such as when we'd gone to the water-park last month. I agreed and told her to let me know when she wanted to do something like this, leaving the ball in her court.

As we got back home, D8 went to get ready for bed and W and I played a game of pool (we used play daily in the good old days and I now have the old table in my new home). While we were playing, D8 did another little miracle. She sent a toy car in the pool room and when W picked it up, there was another mini greeting cared in it which was addressed to "both". It said:"Be happy and I will try. D8" I was touched but W seemed annoyed. I didn't say anything about it but later I kissed D8 and gave her a hug and told her I'd be happy. W didn't acknowledge it (that I know of).

I put D8 to bed. W went to say goodnight and left, with no more affection than a simple good night.

Now I'm here, journaling this and I feel a bit indifferent. Sure, it was nice to see her, but again, this woman isn't really my W and although I feel a certain longing when I see her physically, I would not hesitate to shout her if I was in a zombie movie and she was coming at me in a zombified state.