Hopeful, so much of what you wrote these last few days hits home with me. I was much the same with my W. For me, I got upset about every little thing. Over the years, W learned to act a certain way in front of me, and be herself in front of others. Over time, I think the line of acceptable and not acceptable blurs, because there's really no one to call them on it that they trust. When W did cross the line, I think she told herself it wasn't over the line because though I was complaining about it, I complained about every little innocent thing.
Originally Posted By: hopefulinga
I guess one of my hang ups is looking stupid (in my own mind) if something is really going on and the reality of failure of this M.
Yep, that is 100% me too. I always say that honesty is my number one thing...just be honest and I can deal with it. Problem is, early in the M when W was honest, I wasn't able to deal with it, so she has a hard time believing me now. And when I think thru it, I don't want to be fooled because it'll hurt, so my attempt at preventing the hurt is to force honesty, which is again, a control mechanism.
Did you happen to check out that book I mentioned on Trust? It helped me with my negative thinking. My DB coach also gave me a link to a questionnaire on boundaries....I haven't been able to sit down with W and use it yet, and I don't think you're quite far enough along to use it either, but I do think it will help kind of reset our thinking (hopefully!).
Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
what you might try is this:
"your communicating with this particular woman is hurting me. i feel anxious about it and scared. i need to to break off this relationship completely for the good of ours. should you feel this way about any relationship i have with another man, i will do the same."
I seriously doubt this is going to work at this point in your relationship. 10 years ago...maybe. Now, probably not, at least not yet. I know that my W always viewed this as more of the same....more controlling behavior. I didn't like their relationship, so I wanted her to end it. Eventually she started justifying it, even though it'd crossed the line, because she felt like I had cried wolf so many times prior and she was no longer willing to give up a friendship because of my insecurity.
I actually told my wife that I would not be in a M where OM was involved in any fashion a couple of weeks after she moved back in. Even then it didn't work....she still talks to him, though she does a better job of not doing it around me. I think in her mind she thinks, "I'm not sure I want to be in this M, so I'm certainly not giving up my friend until I make that decision." At that point, I was ready to file for D, but luckily, I had a session with my DB coach and she basically said to stop worrying about OM and focus on my M, so that's where I'm at now.
