My situation is like many other on here. Wife dropped the D-bomb and ILYBNILWY 04/11. I begged, pleaded, cried…. Etc for the next few months without prevail. I was blamed of course for the entire demise of our marriage. I wasn’t emotionally attached as much as I should be. I wasn’t physically attentive as much as I should have been. ETC. Etc. Etc…. I have always busted my a$$ to provide my family with the best I could. I grew up without a father really and a single mother that worked two jobs to provide for my brother and I. I never yelled at her, was physically, emotionally or verbally abusive. Did not drink, drugs, etc., don’t play video games, or go out. Her father had passed away the previous year in November and it affected her greatly. Her father was an Alcoholic that rarely made time to see her when she was growing up. Her parents divorced when she was about 4, and she had a lot of disappointments with him (forgotten to get picked up on his weekends, broken promises, or simply no contact for MONTHS! When we first got married, she would say how bad of a father he was. He was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, and everything changed. He was always a great guy, and did the greatest things, etc. He did no wrong. BTW, he owed 30K dollars in back child support when he died. So, found evidence of an EA starting back in 01/11 and continued through when she left. She moved out (several states away) on 08/11. It was where she had lived during her teenage years and apparently “was the last place” she was happy and by the way close to where one of the people she had the EA with. I am an Active Duty Marine stationed in Virginia and I was left as a Single Father to our 4 children, ages 15 (SD), 10 (S), 9 (S) and 4 (D). She would call every few days and seemed to like to play mommy from afar. She would drive from her new “home” every three to four weeks for the weekend to see the kids, just to turn and go back. When she was at our “family” home, she acted with such a sense of entitlement while there. Finances (I was still expected to pay all the bills and give her money for fuel for her travels), the house (critiquing things that were done or not done), the kids, even wanting to sleep in the marital bed with me… You name it, she felt as if she had say in everything. She even wanted to cuddle at night while we slept. Like a man whipped, I did not say anything negative, just pleading with her to come back.. When that happened, I was “smothering her” and why could I “just be” as she called it. What the hell is that anyway? This went on for several months. I had read Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy and Five Love Languages cover to cover, back to front, side to side. I just could not apply what they talked about. I went through the telephone coaching and it was OK, but again could not apply anything. I would have a strong couple of days, but would always revert back. I was so weak. I sensed there was something more (possible PA), but of course could never find anything. The kids and I went to visit her in her 1 bedroom apartment in early Feb 12 (on our Anniversary). I also had a business meeting that same week close to her, so figured it would work out. Again, she wanted to cuddle up next to me at night, act as a family, etc., until the R talk came up. Then she got angry again, asking why I couldn’t just let her breath!! She was the quintessential CAKE EATER. That’s when I said enough was enough. I left the next day with the kids and drove back to VA. That night, I went dark. She would call and talk to the kids, and I refuse to talk to her. She would text, and I wouldn’t respond. If I would answer the phone when she called, I would just say “hang on” and pass the phone off to the kids. At first she would blast me in text asking why I was ignoring her, she would send agree texts and phone messages saying that I was acting so “mature”. I simply told her I was giving her what she wanted. Two of our children have birthdays at the end of Feb, so it rolled around. I didn’t know what to expect when she came. She called a day or so she was supposed to leave her new home and come for a visit for the kids b-days. I spoke with her at length this time but was very short to the point, but pleasant. She had stated that she really wanted to talk to me when she got to VA. I said ok. A couple of days into the trip, and after the kids went to bed she wanted to have a talk. At this point, she pulled a new wedding band from her pocket and “proposed kinda” asking If I would continue to be married. I looked at her and the ring for a long time. I said I wasn’t sure and needed time to think. I had so much hurt, I was unsure. I had felt so much betrayal, pain, fatigue, everything. I just didn’t know.! Well after a while, I said yes. So we made plans for her to move back. She moved back in Apr 12. Since she has been back, we have had a few rough spells, a few great spells, but for the most part the status quo of a normal marriage. Every time we have an argument, it seems like she says things aren’t working out and she’s not sure that the marriage is going to work. Everytime though, I kiss up, profess that I’ ll change and things move on. Some good days, some bad, mostly status quo. Three days ago, I got the “this is not going to work out speech again”. I tried again, to say we can make this work but we both have to try. She admitted that she has not been trying because it seems like I have not changed at all. It seems that I am the one that is supposed to do all the changing. In my opinion, I have made a lot of changes. I no longer work long hours. I rarely travel. When I am home, I try to spend time with her. She continues to go out with friends (most of which are single in their 20s), she’s secretive when it comes to her personal life on Facebook, etc., she seems like she wants to be alone when she is home. I am left to feel like a live-in “baby sitter for our kids. So after being told this was not going to work, I told her that I planned on moving out soon. She had asked where I planned on living, since money is definitely tight right now. I said that I was going to sleep at work, in my truck, or wherever. I told her that the state of Virginia requires total physical separation for one year in order to be granted a divorce. She said that that was silly, and we should both just stay in the house for the kids and did not really respond to any other conversation about the divorce/separation. Right now, I have moved into the basement and am trying to have as little contact, conversations, and overall interaction with her as possible. It is extremely difficult with the children because they are my WHOLE WORLD. Again, I feel that if she had it her way, I would just stay in the house, take care of whatever needs taken care of, cook, clean, etc., and she can have freedom to do what she wants because she knows the kids would be taken care of. I really do not have a life outside of the house. I have friends in the neighborhood but that’s pretty much it. A cookout and a few beers every once in a while is my only real interactions with my “friends”. I am so torn at this point of what to really do. Part of me (the scornful a-hole in me) wants to move out and have her be forced to act like a mother and grown up. I want her to feel the strain of being a “single parent”. As of now, I do all the grocery shopping, probably 75% or more of the cooking, herd the kids to the shower/bath, household maintenance, the majority of the cleaning, etc. I also work full time and am a full time Grad Student. She takes one class, one day a week at the local community college and is doing an internship at the local Gym, as a part of her college requirements. The other part of me wants to agree to both remain in the house, and continue to do what I am doing because again, my kids are my world. I just feel my self-respect and dignity are in the dumps right now. At the end of the day, I would like to remain married to my wife. Sometimes I don’t know why! The more time goes on, the more I feel walked on and it’s taking a toll on me mentally. I know I have rambled a lot, but if anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. Expert opinions would also be appreciated.
afternoon / morning guys . First of all thank you cadet for keeping an eye on me , i really value your input and yes i'll disregard the above post , but hope a_man_lost is ok . Secondly i dont know why i seem to have a smiley face next to my name all of a sudden ? wierd . Right down to business . Bad bad bad bad bad. Bad day yesterday , i saw my W mum at the gas station where she works and she is very upset/angry and confused like myself , we spoke for a moment but it left me feeling sad all day . Then at night after my wife had gone to bed , i know i shouldnt have but i sneeked a look at her emails . She didnt know i knew her password , i know i shouldnt have , id just had a bad day . Anyway , shes going to a comedy gig tonight in birmingham (uk) and spending the night in a hotel . Thats fine , earlier she told me it was a cheapish one in the centre of town . Shes going with her friend from work whos at a low ebb herself she claims , a female friend . Anyway on her emails was a conformation for a really nice room at a really nice hotel , for 2 king sized bed , under the name well a mans name . I was astonished and stupidly confronted her , first she was p. off that i was snooping but then she said her female friend booked the room through work and this guy gets great rates for rooms and he booked it all for them . Apparantly this guy is some manager where they work she also said that if she told me of the real conformation i would have hit the roof , so that is why she lied about it. I asked her if she was having an affair and she still swears blind she is not , explained that it looks really dodgy but swears to her story that he booked it for the 2 women . Well of course after arguing she says theres no way back and the reason she wanted out was because she wants to be on her own , was never 'head over heels' with me and she thought when we got married she could accept what she felt , but now she knows she cant and it was a mistake to marry . This morning she says she wants to move out and to sort out our assets . She's asked me not to call her work because people including her could get the sack ( fired) because in her words this guy is not really allowed to get good rates for outside of business stuff . Im torn , i want to believe her story , but it stinks . Shes sworn on our childrens lives she isnt having an affair and i want to believe her . Ive asked her to provide a photo of her and her female friend at the concert and the hotel room to proove her story . She says ok then . Its really mucked up right now , but i just have to know even though theres no way back now . Help what do i do now ?
Shes still very reluctantly going and states its for her parents and me and our 2D's , and so she can say that she tried!
She has said though she doesnt want to give me any false hopes , and 'at the moment ' the marriage for her is unworkable
This is why you DON"T want her to go to counseling. It won't help the M at this point, and may even cement her decision to bail. Tell her you no longer want to go to counseling. Stop pushing her to see it your way. She already gave you 3 months!
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Ok , Forever you asked me a question ; her complaints about the m ? Right lets see , 1. No chemistry 2. no passion 3. stagnating not going anywhere ( she likes to plan things like holidays , doing up the house, our wedding ( i loved that time ) )4. says im attrative or handsome but doesnt 'fancy' me or desire me at all . 5. I think she feels like shes been in charge and to be honest she has... I wish id stood up to her a bit more and asserted my opinions more
This is practically identical to my sitch. She finds you physically attractive, but something about your personality traits have turned her all the way off. Time to step up and be the man. Start calling the shots, even if it's just in your own life in the beginning. Stop being so passive and start taking charge of things. This is what she is looking for. A man who knows what he wants, and is willing to go get it. GAL and let her see it.
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Oh hang on the really big one that really gets on her nerves , is I'm needy and 'mardy' and need constant reassurances.
This is easy to fix. Stop all pursuing! It's only making things worse, so just don't do it!
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I dont think she gets anything out of our sex life and now feels repulsed by it . She just thinks now that we are co-habiting and she feels like she and i are missing out on full relationships.
Same here. But this is only the perception right now. Feelings can change. She was in love with you before, right? You had hot sex before, right?
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As i say she has been really honest from the get go...
My wife too. We still have a great connection. I consider this a hopeful sign. Maintain this and build on it. Listen, and listen more. Then act on what you hear.
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Im trying to pull away a bit but continuing to be pleasant and helpfull . Im going to try and get out a bit more with some workmates , my brother and whoever else really to try and get my own life back a bit .
^^^This. Stop pursuing her, and stop telling her you love her... She knows it!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Hopexx, Reading your text it is amazing how much we share, both in pain and experiences/quilt about perhaps why things went wrong and not least how we struggle to stay cool (during the 180 and similar) during our attempts to work it out. FYI I am back at this forum after 8 years and 3 months - now trying to get the WAW to reconsider again as we actually managed to get back together last time! So yes, it can really work, but I never found any shortcuts, any easy way, only suffering and pain and then finally some peace in from a combination of new me (180 completed and firm in place) and starting to let her go (yes, you read correctly)
I doubt it will this "simple" the second time around... :-((
ok journaling . Crickey its takin ages for my posts to get moderated that i can barely remember what i wrote last time ! Anyhow , ive had the weekend from hell , so much so that tonight was the night my W walked out with our children . Our sitch has been really bad lately living under the same roof , exchanging pleasant polite nothing conversations about nothing , like i would with a neighbour . On friday my wife went to a comedy show out of town with a friend (girl) from work , including a hotel stop over . I found evidence (i know i shouldnt have pryed) that her hotel room was booked under a blokes name , and i confronted her , she gave a reasonable excuse about it , and i didnt know wheather to believe her or not ? When she returned , she told me another lie about how and when she got to the city (birmingham uk ), I'm ashamed to say i have one of those apps for a certain apple cell phone that tells you where any of our many apple products is at any time in case of theft . It also told me when and where she was , which is how i detected her lieing . Yes i know im the lowest of the low for snooping on my W . Anyhow the upshot is now that she feels totally on edge and stalked by myself ( i cant blame her ) and she has moved out to her friends house ( a woman) with our 2 girls . What a heart wrenching day , i asked her before hand if we could just slow down on the whole separation talk , as its only been a week from when we came back off holiday and things were " lets just make it to the new year " to "i can't stay her in this house a moment longer " , things have accelerated so much its frightening . I cant blame her for feeling like shes under servailance but she has told a pack of lies . Now shes gone and states thats it , NO WAY BACK . To be honest i dont want this woman back , but do want the women i married back . Im sitting in our empty house desperately sad for our 2 D , 11 and 5 , it must be such a massive scar for them , and all of us . I really dont like how selfish my stbxw is being and making decisions for 8 people ( W,H ,2D , MIL,FIL,Mum and dad )all by herself . I know its torture for both of us being under the same roof , but i just wanted to slow everything down until we had had some councelling to give us both slightly clearer heads . And make clearer decisions without haste .
So sorry things have taken a turn for the worse, but don't lose hope. Separation is often the beginning of mending hurt feelings. Do not pressure her into returning, right now you need to act "as if" everything is fine even though it isn't. You've also got to do the most difficult thing you've probably ever done and act happy, upbeat and positive no matter what. Do not argue or fight with W about anything, act like you feel like separation is for the best for both of you (it probably is at this point).
Remember saving your M isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Read and re-read DB and/ or DR and make sure you're putting the practices into effect. Make a list of your 180's and stick with them. Join a gym or run or bike or all. Get yourself in shape. Spruce up your wardrobe. Try a different hair style. Whiten your teeth. And be patient.
Being patient is by far the hardest part, as Cadet is fond of saying quitting the M is the easiest way out. Standing is much harder. Good luck!
OMG HH, I'm away this wk & am reading db forum on my phone. Your situation sure has escalated!
I don't really have any advice but I wanted you to know that I saw your post and am thinking of you.
If it was me I'd leave w be for now til she calms down & think about what made you snoop & then accuse. I guess its that abandonment/ insecurity button we have - esp sensitive when our spouse seems to be leaving us.
You didn't expand on the lies you think she told.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Go forth with your 180. It will work only if you stay with it. I'm am in no way saying be mean to her, but she expects you to be nice, attentive, and caring. Take care of your self for a change. Join a gym, work out, run, find hobbies... I'm sorry, but it is apparent that you have low self esteem by some of your writings. Remember, there is a reason that she was with you for 6 years! You are probably one hell of a guy. Pick yourself up and take care of YOU. Remember to be kind, but throw a little "as-if" in there. She sees the low self esteem. Be more assertive, self loving and confident and i would almost guarantee she will notice!
Good luck my friend.
Your esteem may have become stripped over time by being so attentive to her, but not recieving the proper reciprocation, because she had you too low on the totem pole. You don't realize it till it's too late.
I think you'll be fine, and this will be a situation for her where the grass is not greener on the other side. If she's been spoiled to attentiveness and faithfullness, and gets out there in the world where it's "all about me" for these other men, she's not going to be too happy how that feels.
Take care of yourself for a change and listen to what some of the other members are saying. I'm not sure you should have the attentiveness and faithfullness guage cranked all the way up, when she is not going to "pay you" for it. Actually it works in reverse. You get dinged the harder you try.
Perhaps you guys are in a strange "persuer-distancer" arrangement, where you need to pull away and do your own thing, don't worry about her. The distance and gap will create a need in her, she just may begin to pursue you.
