I can't get past the pain yet. Why?

[Snookee]

I wrote my story recently and in a nutshell; H told me he wasn't in love with me 4/21/12. On 5/25/12 I saw him leave hotel with one of the bosses holding hands and kissing. On 6/5/12 he moved out to the next state and close to OW. He denies it all. We met a few times since and had sex but it was mostly cause I initiated it. He pays the bills still but blames me for the break-up. He won't go to a therapist. We've been together 20 years, each having one child prior and then us having one (19 now). We have 2 beautiful grandkids too. I just cannot get past this hurt. I don't want to divorce as I went through this once before. I know Michelle is all for not divorcing if you don't want to. I want to call a DB Coach but can't quite yet; maybe I'll take a loan:) So why, why can't I go one day without this pain and crying about this? I count the weeks (21 so far) and I go out with friends now but I still am so hurt by everything that it consumes me. I was calling and begging for a long time but I've stopped that now. Now what? The kids don't want to see me sad all the time either.