So regarding financial stuff, I am going to remove her from the credit cards. I stopped at my bank today, the very friendly lady who was assisting me, simply said, W has the same card as me (my name), just take it back. So no forms to fill out. Hope she is right. Also, I can seemingly simply call the other credit company tomorrow and have her removed from that one. All the other accounts, I will simply change passwords; and she can create her own (e.g. Paypal, Amazon). Based on the meeting with the L, she's obligated to fulfill all the other payments (utilities, mortgage, etc). I'm thinking I'll open a separate account on Monday. I'm sick of this. Read on and you'll see why.
This morning, W's grandmother called. To check in on me, if not more so to vent. I was lucky that it was only a 30 minute conversation. Generally, she too goes on and on and on. Fortunately, she said she will be praying for everyone.
So after that, I finally got all of the kids ready, and myself, to go to this outdoor festival like event. Lots of kid rides and games. We all had a truly amazing time. At least I did watching them play together and taking photos.
The bad thing was that the ride was about an hour from our home, so we had lots of talk time. Here's where it gets bad. On the way there my sweet tenderhearted D, tells me that she has had to keep secrets. W has told her not to tell me various things. I told her not to tell me anything unless any of the kids were in danger. So between the ride there and back she went ahead and told me a whole lot of things I didn't want to hear. *W spanks our S2 when / if he's acting out (not horrible, but not in her nature). * W is planning on taking the kids "where she goes" on her weekends next weekend. "We'll get a hotel room." So that means she'll be taking them to once again meet OM and probably his kids. Oh, based on the family calls I received, he "drinks all the time and still uses" (drugs). I know I cannot control W from introducing the kids to any OM, yet L told me since this OM has a criminal record (W told me about it), that I could have a NC Order institued, provided I file. No real chance of all that happening within a weeks time. * W is priming D for a divorce. Telling her she WILL get the house; and that SIL will move in. SIL is p*ssed at W b/c of this sich and her actions and most likely won't move in. We offered SIL to move in a while ago, before all this happened. * D can't tell W her true thoughts / emotions as she will get yelled out for not agreeing with W. I think that's in one of my previous posts. So I encouraged her to use her diary. D said she has. D says, she feels like I'm the single parent taking care of the kids. Mom / W is never home, there with the kids. That SIL is more of a mom than her actual mom. That mom / W has an alcohol problem. That mom / W is dating someone. That we are going to divorce.
All of this is way too much and wrong for an 11 year old to deal with. I vowed to keep her secrets a secret; and that none of what is happening is her fault. That no matter what happens, she will always be my daughter (technically a step daughter); and that I will always love her and be there for her.
S7 overheard some of the conversation, as he was in the backseat. So D and I retold him that there is a chance that mom / W and I may divorce. He's now beginning to understand. He sadly asked if he and our other 2 kids would be separated from one another. Obviously, I reiterated that under no circumstances would the kids be separated from one another. That at least consoled him.
So several times today I had to take the focus away from the W's "it's going to happen" attitude and switch it to, no matter what happens I will always be there for the kids and we will be happy no matter what. Grueling on my soul, but the truth.
Add on the fact that I know W is with OM. In fact, she was with him at his son's first football game this afternoon. How do I know? Simply because she hasn't had the decency to change her FB settings, so emails get send to our home address telling me she's been tagged in a post. WTF? I'm going to tell her she needs to change email accounts or settings, as that is nothing I need or want to know. Space right?
So all in all, this day started off shakey, got a whole lot better, and then had many child related dips. I'm looking for a bright side, yet do not see many, other than the fact that I have 3 wonderful kids.
Can I buy a surfboard to ride these emotional waves?
So a few answers would be appreciated to the following questions: Do I tell her to leave the house? Do I tell her that I met with a L? Do I call her out on all the BS she has and is spreading about me (everyone knows she's lieing, even my D)?
My answers would be Yes, Yes, and Yes. I just don't know if it would help or hurt. Kind of like an "intervention."
I'm so sad and angry right now it's ridiculous.
This is a long rambling vent / advice seeking post, so I apologize and hope it all makes sense. If not, I'll add whatever is needed.
I'm flabbergasted. Sorry you are going through this hellish sich. I would feel the same way you're feeling now or worse.
I'm sure everything seems absolutely bleak now, but let's see what's positive:
1) D11 trusts you enough to tell you her secrets. This is great. Continue encouraging her openness, so wait before you talk to your W (until you're calm enough.) Otherwise, she might blame her D and D would not trust again. 2) You're having open conversations with the kids. 3) You have legal advice.
As of steps to take: 1) I would contact the L and express what is going on to protect the kids. Get her advice. 2) Wait till you're calm to decide about asking her to move out/call her on her lies. This is what happens: when you do an intervention, the person in the center of it feels attacked. That's what we do in our culture but it does not work. What works is telling the person what is good about that person--but this is not the time to do that--- yet. If you talk to her now and tell her what you know, she will feel attacked and might take it on the kids. She might do something crazy like spend all the money or whatever. Careful. 3) I would definitely try to come up with some $$ to talk to a coach. HSA might cover-check with your insurance. Even if it's an hour, it'll help. Mine is wonderful.
In the meantime:
Imagine yourself asking her to move out and what would ensue. Notice the feelings inside of you, esp your physical reactions. Do you feel at peace? Do you feel like it's good? Do you feel relieved? Then ask her, but only when you are calm. If it feels wrong, wait, but definitely address this issue with the OM ASAP. I would not want my kids meeting that man.
Have you read, "The Ultimatum" in the DB book? Read it and think about it. You would tell her the agreement now is NO meeting OM at all, and if she's not ok with this, you want out of the M. Follow through. Tough one. Make sure this is what your heart tells you to do before you do it. It's all about the bottom line thing we've been talking about.
She's behaving like a crazy teen, emotions are raw, so think twice before taking any action.
My coach said WAS's act like 5 or 16-year olds. They are rebelling, they want to take control, they are confused and don't like the confusion. Your W has a lot of emotional issues from prev M so you guys will have to address these at some point but not yet; only if you can find your way back to each other.
Hang in there. I'll be sending you my positive energy. Tori
In your W's mind she is no longer married to you so she can act however she wants. You should view this the same way, you are no longer married. Do you feel your children are at risk? How can you best protect them? When substance abuse is involved, you can't sit and wait for the light to come on in your W's head. It may never happen.
Call your L first thing tomorrow and figure out what you need to do.
Your W is sharing inappropriately with an 11 yr old. Can you get some counseling for your D?
Have you thought about AlAnon? You should.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ok, so W is pissed. She wants me to help her go buy a bed, because I have a truck. I calmly suggested she try her dad or bff who each have trucks. She went off and said I was being sh*tty towards her. That she makes dinner every night. I've told her before that she does not have to. She proceeded to tell me that we don't even have to have family days anymore. That she doesn't even want to be around me.
Ok so the SIL just called too. She's pissed at W because D has told her all about the secrets and is coming over to pretty much yell at W.
Hope your SIL didn't make things worse. Your W is feeling cornered, and that's not good. Her behavior might worsen. Give her lots of space, and think about following the steps I suggested. Good luck...
This is what transpired. SIL, did not yell at W. She helped facilitate D11 in saying she did not like the keeping secrets from dad. W shared that she had a phone call with a L, and will most likely have a consult this week. We then talked about hoe the M was dead, and no going back, that D was inevitable. She lead this conversation. SIL, was still there, and sort of served as a mediator as we talked about physically separating finances, custody, and other stuff. We then also sat S7 down to retell him what was going on. I'm afraid we broke his little heart. We all cried. At the end, W said she felt like she wanted to hug me, but did not as it would be weird. She also said we couldn't go back to save the M, as I'd never be able to trust her again, and that too much has already be done (defriending my family). I told her that not as a plea, but rather facts, that my family and friends do not know the full truth, and that I beleivr anything can be fixed. S7 and I left to run to the store, and pick up dinner. No clue where I am at. When if she will file.
Andrew, yesterday was a really rough day for you and your family. It'll be tough for the next week or two...then a little better. My advice? If you still want to save your marriage, talk to your W about a separation (not necessarily legal-- if you can abide by rules the two of you agree upon.) Three months is usually a good starting point, and then reevaluate at that point. During those three months, you could apply DB techniques. There's a really good book about separation on Amazon. The title is something like, "How separation can help you define the future of your relationship." Good read. It's important that if you separate, you have objectives attached to it; bc she might see it as her time to do whatever she pleases and not think about her M. That's all I can come up with... Let the dust settle before talking about this, though. Good luck. Tori
