I appreciate that LA, I really do. I have no idea what would be going on if there was truly an EA. I am trying to work through if it is my insecurities or a reality. He is home, not really texting or on the phone at night. However, he also knows I would catch him because his phone is not in the house and we have a chime on the door. I don't know his every step when he is gone during the day and I have to trust him to tell me where he really is when he is on the motorcycle. I am pretty certain that he is not taking her to lunch or antyhing like that because I get the creidt card bills.
The emails from Thursday night and Friday bother me coupled with I don't think he is being truthful about how much he communicates with her. However, I told him tonight that if he is being honest and uprfront with me, that's all I can ask. So if he's not, he has to live with that.
I guess one of my hang ups is looking stupid (in my own mind) if something is really going on and the reality of failure of this M.
This woman has a crazy exH that she's had arrested and got him fired, so I doubt he's paying child support. I'm sure she does find him attractive. When the crap hit last year, I told him that I wanted to meet her and he said no. Prior to that, I do know that he invited her to the airport for public events. I don't think he's that dumb.
Clearly he doesn't want me to know the level of contact, which does concern me. I also forgot to mention that he joined Skype on Thursday and her cell number is in there (one of 2 contacts. I'm not one of them). He left it open on his computer. Why does he need to talk to her while he's away?
I am encouraged that we're going on 7 weeks of no D talk. I honestly don't think he would have a PA. I think she is "buttering his bread" and he's not pissed at her like he is at me, or holding a grudge.
I don't know. I'm trying to put it out of my mind. I will probably take a sleeping pill tonight.
He is definiely not the same man who came home last weekend. Although he is pretty sun burned and tired. He went to bed before 9.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I guess the other thing that bothers me is the number of times he's told me that he doesn't understand why I don't trust him, that he's been 100% faithful to our vows, etc, and then I know he is not being 100% truthful. Maybe that is too much of the lawyer in me.
So, I think at the end of the day I have to say this is an inappropriate friendship which I can do nothing about. I will continue to try to make him realize that I am a good catch. He is on notice that it makes me uncomfortable, so maybe that will mean something to him.
So, tomororow I am going to check in on joining the Y. I also am having the pooper scooper people come over because I cannot keep up with all of the dogs we have!
Part of what I've realized is that all of my GAL activities are business/volunteer related. Other than massages and pedicures, I really don't do anything for myself.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Ha ha, my H had to do pooper scooper duty today! It had gotten way out of hand. I'd much rather do endless laundry, cooking and dishes!
Ok. Skype. That's not a good sign. So clearly he's communicating with her via Skype. I will tell you that part of me wanted to see how far I could push my H when I had my texting thing. Part of me just wanted to see what he would do. Now I know!
You COULD say I'm not comfortable with this relationship and if I ever find anything inappropriate I'm leaving you. You'd have to follow through on it of course. I don't sense you want to do that and I don't sense that you think it would be a good strategy.
However, if it's that important to you, you really do need to let your H know that it makes you uncomfortable, regardless of whether it is or isn't anything. I definitely did not take my H seriously enough in this regard because I always thought, "This isn't anything so it shouldn't matter." WRONG.
How old is this chick? If she's in her 20s or 30s he could be just getting a big ego boost from that alone. It sounds like he wants to rescue her as is his way.
Your GAL can be reading, spending quality time with your D (which I see you did this weekend), spending quality time with friends (lunch? I did tons of lunches over the summer). Can you take a weekend alone? Do you like horseback riding? The woman in that book that I told you about loved horseback riding and it was her GAL. Or just spend the evening watching your choice of TV or a movie. It's for you, just remember that.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I don't know whether or not he talked to her while he was gone, and he wouldn't Skype from home. He did tell me that he went to bed before everyone else, so he could have done it then. But I can't worry about that or speculate what happened. My main concern is that he is not being completely honest with me. And he knows deep down that he is not being honest with me.
I let him know yesterday that the entire situation involving her and her exH bothered me and made me uncomfortable, and that I didn't want her to get the idea that he was fair game. He didn't respond to that. However, I don't want to start accusing him of anything at this point. Since the trip is over and the issue that resurfaced last year is gone, I hope the interaction will start to wane. Plus, I don't know which one of them is initating more of the contact.
I am also not at the point where I would threaten to leave. I may get there but I'm not right ready right now. Plus, I think it would backfire at the current state we are in and give him reason to start the D talk again and say "see, everytime you get mad you accuse me of A".
Sometimes I do think he pushes me to see how much I will take and to get me to dote on him more. It is also going to be hard for me to say more than I did yesterday without letting him know that I snooped.
She is older than me but younger than him. This would definitely be a case of "affairing down" as from what he described of her she is less intelligent, heavier, not as attractive, has short hair (which he doesn't like). However, I do think there is an ego boost from the rescuing. She has an 8 y.o. granddaughter that her and exH adopted. Again, I think the inital "I can rescue you" may be attractive, but I don't see him at 56 getting involved on a long term serious level with all of that. Plus he's crazy if he thinks he can support us and her and her kid.
I also think he has the same reaction as you do. I said something last week about him bringing extra BBQ to her and a friend last year and him flying her and that friend to FL last year and how it sent the wrong message to her and he got mad at me. So, even if he is attracted, enjoys the attention or whatever, in his mind, he is not doing anything wrong.
I do go to lunch with friends, but I am also trying to not spend a whole lot right now because of our debt, the uncertainty of the future and the amount of $$ he is spending. I do read sometimes. I've lost interest in TV and movies. Swimming would probably help because it is physical activity.
We did ML this morning. Unless he's really changed over the years, he would push me away if he were truly mad at me.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I confronted him about the Skype account because I felt like I had to get it off my chest and I asked him to be open and honest and I needed to be to.
I told him that I asked him about the communication with the woman yesterday because I went to use his computer at the airport to find the home remedy to remove egg and the account was open. He said he was testing out his Skype no big deal. I reiterated that I was not accusing him of anything, but it bothered me. He said, oh so your snooping on me. I said no, it was open on the screen, which is the truth. He asked why I didn't use my own computer and I again told him that we were at the airport and I was trying to figure out how to get the egg off the car. He didn't deny anything.
Then he dug up something from 1999 when I saw an email (so yes, he holds a grudge against me) about someone's sister and said, Just like blah blah when you accused me of having an A. I told him that I understood that he felt like I was accusing him, but that I was not, I was telling him my feelings. I also said that I understood this was a friend of his and I didn't have problems with him having female friends, but that the whole thing with this woman and her exH was like a bad dream and I wished they would go away. And that while I didn't mind him talking to her, I just needed him to be honest with me. And that I was uncomfortable with it.
Neither one of us yelled or used a harsh tone in the conversation, which is a first. I feel better having talked with him. We'll just have to see what happens later today. I will try the best I can to keep a smile on my face and act as if.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
"He said he was testing out his Skype no big deal."
i'm sorry but it seems like you both are pussyfootin' around this subject. he, not being up front and stopping, you not wanting to upset him.
what you might try is this:
"your communicating with this particular woman is hurting me. i feel anxious about it and scared. i need to to break off this relationship completely for the good of ours. should you feel this way about any relationship i have with another man, i will do the same."
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thanks SS. I think I don't want him to think I am doing more of the same by making an accusation of an A. I'm not sure that I am thinking about upsetting him because I knew when I told him that I saw something on the computer he would be angry.
I like what you put forth and will try that at some point, hopefully soon. Since I don't know where he is with the D and how he really feels about me, do I hurt myself by mentioning the good of our relationship?
After we got married, I still communicated with my ex-fiancee. He asked me to stop and I did.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
He's probably blocking out the "good" right now. You mentioning it would be pursuing and invalidating what he's feeling right now.
I would suggest you stop snooping. If you need to use his electronics, ask him first. You may resist the label of "snooping" but when you use his computer or phone without asking, that's how he's seeing it...for now.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Hopeful, so much of what you wrote these last few days hits home with me. I was much the same with my W. For me, I got upset about every little thing. Over the years, W learned to act a certain way in front of me, and be herself in front of others. Over time, I think the line of acceptable and not acceptable blurs, because there's really no one to call them on it that they trust. When W did cross the line, I think she told herself it wasn't over the line because though I was complaining about it, I complained about every little innocent thing.
Originally Posted By: hopefulinga
I guess one of my hang ups is looking stupid (in my own mind) if something is really going on and the reality of failure of this M.
Yep, that is 100% me too. I always say that honesty is my number one thing...just be honest and I can deal with it. Problem is, early in the M when W was honest, I wasn't able to deal with it, so she has a hard time believing me now. And when I think thru it, I don't want to be fooled because it'll hurt, so my attempt at preventing the hurt is to force honesty, which is again, a control mechanism.
Did you happen to check out that book I mentioned on Trust? It helped me with my negative thinking. My DB coach also gave me a link to a questionnaire on boundaries....I haven't been able to sit down with W and use it yet, and I don't think you're quite far enough along to use it either, but I do think it will help kind of reset our thinking (hopefully!).
Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
what you might try is this:
"your communicating with this particular woman is hurting me. i feel anxious about it and scared. i need to to break off this relationship completely for the good of ours. should you feel this way about any relationship i have with another man, i will do the same."
I seriously doubt this is going to work at this point in your relationship. 10 years ago...maybe. Now, probably not, at least not yet. I know that my W always viewed this as more of the same....more controlling behavior. I didn't like their relationship, so I wanted her to end it. Eventually she started justifying it, even though it'd crossed the line, because she felt like I had cried wolf so many times prior and she was no longer willing to give up a friendship because of my insecurity.
I actually told my wife that I would not be in a M where OM was involved in any fashion a couple of weeks after she moved back in. Even then it didn't work....she still talks to him, though she does a better job of not doing it around me. I think in her mind she thinks, "I'm not sure I want to be in this M, so I'm certainly not giving up my friend until I make that decision." At that point, I was ready to file for D, but luckily, I had a session with my DB coach and she basically said to stop worrying about OM and focus on my M, so that's where I'm at now.
