Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

I am such a freaking moron and am so mad at myself.
Why do I do this?

Saturday H was being a little evasive about where he was going. I said 'oh, okay... was just curious'. He finally said he was going to a friend's house (friend who he lied about going to before).
I saw that he groomed himself a little more than usual.

I knew the latest girl was in town. I stupidly checked online and and of course, she is posting where she is going to be. It wasn't until I read about her drinking his favorite drink that I started to think that he lied. (He didn't). Then she posted about how she wanted to 'take care of' and would have amazing sex with my Husband that night. I called him freaking out. He didn't return my call until an hour later. He didn't see her. He was where he said he would be.

So I got mind-played and it was my fault for looking.

The next morning, I tried to explain how my a+b looked like it would equal c. I was still upset at the thought and how stupid I was. He was tired from being up so late and told me that he didn't want to have responsibilities and he liked how he was living. He came over and I was so frustrated and made some list that showed him how much I was actually responsible for (99% of the work), vs his playing video games and watching S for 1.5 days. That made him irritated with me. I told him I was too stressed over having to take care of the entire house maintenance, selling it, all the chores, doing everything for S to get ready for and attend school, pick him up, do the night stuff, work full time also - and I didn't have time to work on anything else.

He was shutting down emotionally and it just rolled down hill. We got into childish fight, reminiscent of early March. He said it would be easier if we just divorced. He took off after getting to the point of frustration where he broke a door jamb after I locked him out when he was leaving. I called and called him and called him. Like a moron. I wanted to 'talk' and he didn't. He eventually turned off the phone.

I am so mad at myself for regressing so much. For me acting childish.
I am angry that I am responsible for everything.
I am angry that I thought he wanted to 'try' like he said. But was it just to appease me and so he could still come/go as he wanted? Was it legitimate?
I am angry at myself for allowing that stupid girl to get in my head.

H works a different schedule than I do. He can't change it. I need help. If H gets S ready for school, that means he needs to come over here each morning. Is that acceptable? I was trying to keep boundaries but I'm cracking right now. It's a lot of work and I don't know how to manage it all.