i hope you are feeling better? i agree with bug - the reactions we have are more about what gets triggered in us. and when anger comes up, it masks the real emotions behind it.
i would imagine that you feel hurt and betrayed by your family for not understanding where you are and what you are doing. my brother made it clear many months ago that he thought it was intolerable that i was standing and not filing for d asap. i simply do not talk to him about it any longer. for us it was a silent agreement not to go there when we speak. he knows how i feel and i know how he feels.
i think if you could acknowledge, as bug suggests the real emotions you feel behind the anger, face them and understand them, you won't get so upset the next time comments like that are made.
there is the other side of the coin too. when i think of my brother, i aslo see his fear fro me - his fear that i am getting hurt, his wanting the sitch to end so that i stop hurting. so if you reframed for yourself why your relatives say things like that, and see it instead that it is their fear and protectiveness of YOU that causes them to not be understanding (masked behind anger at your h), then you could feel their love and support for you instead, and you will respond in a much more loving way towards them and be sympathetic of their agony too.
everyone suffers in this vero - and sometimes we are so caught up in our own, that it's hard for us to see.
what's helped me is to go to kindness when i feel angry. i am being as kind and gentle as i can with my brother, and it's really helping us to be more at ease with each other - and that's quite a miracle for the two of us
i hope you feel better soon, dear friend
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Yesterday I learned so much about myself! I truly believe God is helping me to really see myself and improve myself.
I started to feel angry about my sitch. All the lies that H told and continues to tell me. I notice that everyone doesn't dwell on it on the BB as I do. (or so it seems). I have really struggled with the lies.
So I paused the anger and felt it. It hurt so much I felt raw inside. I cried for a while and just felt the pain of being lied to for the past year and a half.
I realized that the anger was masking all the pain and now I know how the lies have affected my recovery.
I want to have a talk with H and ask him to tell me the truth, even if it hurts because I can heal from the truth but the lies are so difficult to recover from. I also know that DB highly discourages this as does Al Anon so what else do I do? To heal from that pain. On the plus side I don't feel as angry today!
Another self discovery! It was my brother's wedding yesterday. I was a bridesmaid and was very involved in the planning and preparation for the day, which meant a lot of time with SIL.
My SIL is a lot like me, a lot!! She has my OCD, Perfectionism, expectations of others, temper. Everything I am trying to correct in myself.
Well yesterday she was very rude to me (and everyone else!) on more than one occasion. It hurt but I finally got a taste of my own medicine.
I immediately felt so guilty for mistreating Frank's sister and mother when I was my old self. I felt so guilty for being so rude to my mother all these years. I cried. I had another Pema moment where I just froze the anger and felt the pain.
This was such a major discovery for me.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Zig, I know you're right. My family cares for me and doesn't want to see me hurt. What I have understood about myself here is that I always felt that because I am the younger sister, my older bro and sister feel they have a right to give their opinion and take a stand.
Had it been the other way around, I highly doubt my younger bro and I would've done the same. As a matter of fact, when my BIL surprised my sister with a 5yo son from a previous GF after dating her for 2yrs, we were confused but never angry.
I trusted that my sister knew how to handle her sitch. And she did! Now that I am an adult handling my sitch, I'm not treated the same.
Small ex. My sister will confuse my name for her daughter's name. She says, I see you guys the same. I HAVE ALWAYS HATED THIS! My niece is 10yo!! I'm almost 40!!! She introduces me as her lil sister. We are only 5yrs apart! My bro does the same but we're 7yrs apart.
So I can't just brush off the anger as easily with this. There's a deep root of emotions held in this.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
jks and KG, You're right there with me. That roller coaster ride! We're still on it! Today I feel much better, thank goodness. It makes me hopeful that the next wave of emotions won't be as strong.
Thinking of you and hoping you had a better weekend.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
RegretfulLA, I do go to al anon. I journal, talk to my sponsor and others, daily meditations, and attend 2-3mtg a week. However I felt like I unlocked my deep rooted emotions using Pema's suggestion on patience.
Thank you for reminding me of my 12steps!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Vero, I don't do 12 steps but perhaps if you can get to a meeting when you're feeling really stressed out it might help. There is a lot of support there.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
vero, try to think of your sister and brother as using terms of endearment when they call you their little sister. it's a little like how our children will always be our "babies".
i don't think they're being disrespectful. quite the opposite. i think they're showing love for you.
the anger you feel about it might be because of insecurities.
i love my "little sister" so much, and she's 60!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS- thank you for that insight. I never thought of it that way :-)
Regretful, I just came from a mtg. It was very nice and helpful.
Today was interesting. I visited MC without H to pick up some parenting material from him. I stayed for a session and what he said was interesting. I gave him a summary of our progress and he recommended that I give in a little more. For ex. communicate that I would like for H n I to go out without the kids. and let H know that I would like more physical touch (sitting together on the couch, hugging).
My response, I laughed! I said, that's too much for me, ie. puts me in a vulnerable position. RED FLAG another opportunity to get hurt.
I also told him about how angry and hurt I was about all of Hs lies. MC asked if I had confirmed they were lies. I said no. Then he said, I might jump to the conclusion they are lies to protect myself. Interesting, very interesting. I didn't believe it, but it was interesting! lol!
That's all for tonite! Good night folks!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
