After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

Journaling...
It's Sunday night and I am quietly sitting at home. My kids were with H this weekend and come back tomorrow.

I miss them so much when they are away... I call them each time to say good night. My girls are so cute and tell me they miss me. I can't put a price on that. Yet they are still very young and don't have the attention span to talk for more than a couple of minutes.

I am now pondering about this past week. Man, it's been tough!

I got served. My H lost his job and today I finally got to give both bad news to my dad, who is going through his 3rd round of chemo treatment for colon cancer...He loves H like a son and has felt so deeply betrayed and abandoned by him as well. But my dad never shows his pain at all - he feels that as the head of the family he needs to always be strong. Vulnerability has never been an acceptable option - he learned that from his mom and I am working hard to break the pattern. I have never seen him cry and he's 86 years old...

I could tell he was hurting for me when I told him. He didn't hug me - he never does. He responded as he always does, by offering suggestions for what to do and then told me to take one thing at a time and that everything would work out. I love my dad and I ultimately know that he is showing me his love the only way he knows how and I have now learned to be grateful for it.

I didn't have a chance to tell my mom. She is in Paris with H's mom. Yes... That is right, my mom and MIL are on a trip together. Both our families are very tight and we have always done a lot of things together - holidays, get-togethers, trips, etc. H asked that we didn't tell them about his job loss so they would enjoy the trip and I agreed. Bad timing, I guess.

It will be sad to give them both news when they get back. I know they will be just as sad as everyone else is (except for H, of course...)

I did try to get a few positive things going on this weekend to try to snap out of this funk.
- I slept in.
- I read and reviewed some exercises on anger management.
- I reviewed my gratitude lists.
- I tidied up my house. (I love having a clean and tidy house, but it only lasts long enough when the kids are not here - lol...)
- I talked to one of my best friends and my sister. They are so supportive and love me so much - I am a very, very lucky person to have them!
- I had breakfast with my other best friend - it was a gorgeous, sunny morning.
- I went swimming in the ocean and went for a long walk at the beach to think about things. (It's been so hot in S CA in the last few days that I knew this might be our last beach-weather weekend.)

And the best thing - the week is over!
I have clarity of what I need to do next and will face head on the tough moments and decisions awaiting me.

I hope everyone has a great week!