Dealing with Anger

[MrBond]

I agree with 25.

[Arsene]

So do I. All I'm saying is that her last text was only to say good night, which is something she had never done before. I'm not reading anything into it. Just noting.

[25yearsmlc]

hey Arsene, any anti-westerner stuff going on where you are? You okay?

[Arsene]

Yeah, thanks 25. Everything seems to be fine around here for the time being.

[Arsene]

Hi everyone,

It's been a very quiet weekend on this board and, fortunately (I guess) on the home front as well.

So quiet in fact that I ended up doing some searches on the internet for the sake of seeing what I could do around here to save my relationship in the event my W decided to reconsider her position.

I came across the Retrouvaille program and it turns out it is offered in Singapore, which would make it feasible for us. Also, they just happen to have one of their three weekends a year on the weekend of our anniversary (it'll be our 10th) at the beginning of April 2013.

Now I know what you are going to say about setting my own timelines for things but for the time being, it's just a questions I have about the program and goals setting.

First, about the Retrouvaille program. Can this program work even if one of the spouses isn't 100% sure that they want to save the couple? What I want to know is, if I can convince my W to give it another try and if she came just to humour me (like many S seem to do with MC), would we still get something out of it?

What kind of activities are involved? I heard that there was a strong religious angle but that it was possible not to take part in certain activities. From what I read, the one in Singapore, being in a small multicultural city/state, is geared more toward a wider range of people.

Now, about goal setting. Is it unreasonable to set such a long term goal as:

"I would like my W to agree to come to the Retrouvaille program in April 2013"

I know, reading it now, doesn't sound reasonable. What could I do to make this happen? I guess it'll be up to her and how the sitch evolves between now and then.

I invite your thoughts on this. Thanks.

By the way, I know I'm still only a few weeks into my plan but it feels like things aren't moving at all. In fact, if they are, it feels like they are moving backwards. There has been no contact since last Friday (at all - except for a text from W telling me about school payment - I didn't reply, it didn't require a reply). It just feels like a few months ago, we were friends, doing stuff together as a family and now, we're total strangers. Is this normal?

[jks]

Yes, that is normal. Completely normal.

[breakdownbill]

Hey Arsene

The boards usually are pretty much deserted at weekends due to people GALing and spending time with their kids, partners,friends and stuff.

I don't know much about Retrouvaille, but I can tell you that it's definitely normal for the WAS to go completely cold and seem like a stranger overnight.

Try not to think too much about it, it's just how they try and deal with some of this.

You are doing great, it's just about staying patient for the time being.

By the way I started a new thread, so that's why the old one hasn't been updated.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2281129#Post2281129

Bill

[Mrs D]

Hey Arsene - just checking in. Seems like we are both feeling as if we are going backwards instead of forward, right? Take your own advice to me and be patient my friend. From what Bill and JKS said, apparently its normal? My X responded to a text I sent him yesterday about our S. But again, it wasnt anything really to do about anything. Still feeling the same slump as well. Take care my friend - hope your week is good.

[Arsene]

Thanks JKS and Bill,

It's funny how just when you start, wondering what's going on, W shows up unannounced.

It's good that she did because D8 had been missing her an awful lot lately. She's cried every other night, usually as we say our prayers to thank God for all we've got, including mommy.

W was in good spirits and as she walked in, D8 and I were just horsing around and having a good time so it was all good.

W had brought back my old guitar which I had given her. I told her she didn't have to, that it really was hers but she cheerfully said that it was ok, that she didn't need it anymore. I didn't take the guitar but she brought it in my bedroom and left it on the bed. That was the end of that.

I had to go to work so I left W with D8 and as I left, W asked me when I'd be back. She said that she needed some material for teaching English to an Intermediate student (I've got lots of files on the computer) and asked if I could give her some stuff.
I said I would when I got back.

As I returned from work, W and D8 were gone, The maid informed me they had gone to the pool. They soon got back and they were arguing. W had promised D8 that they would go together to an amusement park nearby but that it was now too late since she had school the next day. I didn't interfere.

Minutes later, I hear them yelling at one another. W was angrily saying :"let's go!" to D8. And D8 was saying:"No, I don't want to go anymore!".

I went and asked what was going on. Apparently D8 insisted (I think she had a tantrum) on going to the park and W eventually gave in but angrily.

Once I found out, I told D8 that it was indeed too late and that we'd just have dinner as a family instead. D8 wasn't happy but she complied.

W was standing with her back to me and she was still angry. She said how she didn't know what to do, and how to deal with D8's anger. I told her it was ok, that I understood how frustrating it was. She said she felt guilty for what was going on and that she was disappointed that on the one day she can spend the whole day with D8, they end up arguing. I validated and listened to her without saying much. She asked me what she should do with D8 and I told her that she didn't have to agree to every thing D8 was asking for. D8 is testing her boundaries and no matter how we feel, we must maintain discipline but do it with love. W started crying, so I took her outside and put my hand on her shoulder (what I really wanted to do was to hug her but I held back).

There she said that she wondered if it wouldn't be better for D8 to be with her. That took my breath away. I asked her how that would solve the problem and she said she didn't know. I then told her that I didn't think it would help. I said that D8 missed her family, not just one of us or the other. W said that she just couldn't do that. Throughout the convo, I listened and validated as much as I could and most importantly, I stayed calm. W was in tears the whole time. When it seemed that she was done, I just said that we should get some dinner and went in.

There, something great happened. D8 had been in her room and as we walked in, gave each of us a miniature greeting card she'd just made. Mine said she was sorry about getting angry with me in the morning on the way to school and that she would try to be happy the following day. W's probably said something similar about what had just happened. We both were touched and gave D8 numerous hugs.

Dinner went well. We had some spaghetti with a sauce I had made the day before and W mentioned that she hadn't had my sauce in a long time. She seemed to enjoy the meal and we had a good family moment.

After dinner I suggested we went to a nearby playground for a few minutes and W agreed so off we went. On the way, W mentioned that at one point in the week she'd met a common acquaintance and that it felt weird. She said it brought her right back to the old days. I validated and listened but she didn't volunteer more. She also said that it might be good for D8 if we did more family things on Sundays such as when we'd gone to the water-park last month. I agreed and told her to let me know when she wanted to do something like this, leaving the ball in her court.

As we got back home, D8 went to get ready for bed and W and I played a game of pool (we used play daily in the good old days and I now have the old table in my new home). While we were playing, D8 did another little miracle. She sent a toy car in the pool room and when W picked it up, there was another mini greeting cared in it which was addressed to "both". It said:"Be happy and I will try. D8" I was touched but W seemed annoyed. I didn't say anything about it but later I kissed D8 and gave her a hug and told her I'd be happy. W didn't acknowledge it (that I know of).

I put D8 to bed. W went to say goodnight and left, with no more affection than a simple good night.

Now I'm here, journaling this and I feel a bit indifferent. Sure, it was nice to see her, but again, this woman isn't really my W and although I feel a certain longing when I see her physically, I would not hesitate to shout her if I was in a zombie movie and she was coming at me in a zombified state.

[breakdownbill]

Sure, it was nice to see her, but again, this woman isn't really my W and although I feel a certain longing when I see her physically, I would not hesitate to shout shoot her if I was in a zombie movie and she was coming at me in a zombified state.

This has to be the post of the day

I have heard people call their WAS's aliens and strangers, but bringing zombies into the equation in any context on here is just awesome mate!!