OH - and buy sexy new Victoria's Secret undies and leave them on the curtain rod to dry. GO out at night all dressed up and smelling great (even if you have to just go sit in Starbucks and read a book). LEAVE HIM WONDERING WHAT YOU'RE DOING>
Thanks KML, have you been talking to my mother in law
moving on with my life- and that could be enjoying the company of a friend- he doesn't have to know its a female friend, or a long term work acquaintance.. I don't want to really date or put myself into a physical relationship... but I know what you are saying.. I do need to get our more and pick up new hobbies and just do things that I enjoy... period...
Just take a break on this decision making on the marriage... he obviously doesn't want a divorce.. but isn't ready to be without this other woman either.. so its like being stuck in limbo and i have to make the decision or choose to ignore it and do my own thing...
its definitely confusing..
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Just get to the ten year mark, because of the financial benefits. Work on getting your finances and the house optimized so that if you get divorced then, you're in better shape. Find something new to focus on - when my H had his affair, I decided to train to climb Mount WHitney. When we divorced years later (after an initially successful reconciliation) I took up playing the drums in a rock band. Both times, I found it very helpful to have something challenging to focus on that had nothing to do with the relationship.
Be mysterious! Go out and don't let him know what you are doing (even though it's completely innocent). Let him wonder about you - trust me, he will. And even though he's having this flagrant affair, it's going to drive him crazy to think you might be out there enjoying the attention of other men.
Just dress up hot, splash on a lot of perfume, and tell him you're going out dancing one night with one of your single female friends.
I have been pinteresting, which is making me get more into cooking and crafts again-- I forgot how easily it was to get lost in Hobby Lobby for hours...
And I was doing on online journal.. but have stopped for a few weeks... and I picked up a journal today, thinking the traditional style may be more for me...
I also want to get into swimming... our neighborhood pool is only open for a little longer... but perhaps I can find a place around town that has an indoor pool that could also be a big time grabber...
I also considered going to a deli to do my homework... get away from the house and out of the house so he doesn't know where I am... sometimes I just want to block his number...
Speaking of benefits things are going well for me in that area... my husband was very generous and gave me 12 months of his Post 9/11 GI Bill, which i can use to get my masters or go to Nursing school, so that was really considerate of him. He also is looking into my health options- thinking we can do a health care package for $400 a year and a decent dental package too... he has all these dreams of being debt free and having emergency funds and job searching and social security benefit applying... it should be flattering to me... but its kind of overshadowed by this other woman.... I know it causes more problems when I am bitchy and cause him stress... but sometimes I just want to push him away so this will be over... I know its better to act like things don't get to me... so I know i need to put my game face back on.. its just hard as hell sometimes.. as always thanks for listening ..
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Thanks Gabby and I agree time to put myself first, and not even really worry about him.
I am not ready for a divorce, but agree whole heartedly we are not working on anything as long as he has her, regardless in what capacity.
I started thinking of some new things I want to do--I have always wanted to buy a bicycle off of Craiglist to go on bike ride, or our city offers bikes you can rent to cycle around downtown san antonio. I also wanted to get into swimming, or they have crossfit classes down the street- a little hefty compared to my gym membership, but I will meet new people and that can't hurt to have more friends.
I actually am glad when he is gone, I get time to myself-- its just when he shows up and I am reminded of the hard place our life is in, and thats the sucky part.
Just doing my on thing for now... and I do think with him not going to work, we are really not going to see eachother all that much anyway... but still asked him not to come to the house after I was off work, only when I wasn't there...
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
I think my life is like a soap opera, I sometimes just want the show to be cancelled... really.
This weekend was such a roller coaster. My mother in law was driving around town drunk and upset, we live several states away, so when my H called to check on her she ripped him a new one about his affair and how he is treating me and how upset she was that the OW posted a picture of him and her on her facebook. He got upset with ME, for his mom seeing that-- but shouldn't he be upset with the OW? I guess he feels like I told his mom the girl's page, which is true, but she would have found it eventually, I mean its public stuff. Anyway, so that was the start of a turbulent weekend... then Saturday they were fighting.. so of course he comes home... about how he can't trust her... and then he leaves again Sunday... and I don't hear from him most of Monday so I basically continue to ask him not to come around... to please leave me alone... well today I come home and he is home supposedly permanently now... she sent naked pictures to men on her phone or something... but i doubt this is really the deal breaker... I am excited about talking to a new counselor next week so I can set a path for myself and start to change my life for one I like.. I still don't want to be divorced.. but right now I don't like how things are.. right now my husband is basically mourning the loss of another woman, and I just am hesistant to believe it is really over... but perhaps this will be the SNAP that I need to open my eyes and start seeing clearly... I don't really know anymore
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
So its been a week since my husband's affair supposedly ended. We have been mainly living in separate rooms and taking time to ourselves to just figure things out.
He has asked for time to deal with his issues, and to figure himself out and seek treatment for his PTSD.
We have had several conversations about our marriage and his deployments/PTSD and how they intermingled to get us to the current state. We both agree we are not ready to call it quits, but that we are also not ready to throw ourselves into working on our marriage, he did say eventually if we do decide to stay together, he would be interested in counseling or some form of therapy, even if its reading a book together.
I have had a mixture of emotions, anger, sadness, numbess, that kind of caused me early on to lash out to be upset with him for silly reasons- I wanted to be mad at him so I could ignore him like he asked, but we are still going through an adjustment stage and trying to get used to our current arrangement.
He did tell me he was sorry he wasn't a better man to me and that I deserve better and he wants to figure out what is wrong with him to make him think that was acceptable to do (having an affair). He also told me how sorry he was for talking to me about her, that he realizes now how hurtful that was and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore like that, so suprisingly we have had very little discussion about "her" and if he starts to talk about her, he stops himself and apologizes.
I am pretty much just making my schedule and not really asking him for what he is doing. We mainly talk to eachother at the house, phone calls and texts are still limited and even time together. We did spend the day yesterday going to the reptile show and gun show and grocery shopping, there was no hand holding though, as I don't want to lead him on and I think he feels the same way. I guess for now we are friends, who happened to be married, and take the time to work on ourselves.
I don't know if we have lost our minds, but its where we are. I cannot wait to get my new counselor sessions started. He is going through some major life changes- looking for a job, being out of the military, and I know thats stressful for him, but I know its something he needs to do on his own, with minimal help from me. He says he needs to know that he can do things on his own, that he tooks me for granted because I would offer and he realized he should have done more for himself.
So just checking in... he said he doesn't want to see other people or even be separated because he knows that would mean I would leave, I guess he knew I was at my breaking point. I don't know what it was about last week but he said everything just fell out from under him. He found the pictures on her phone, and he felt like I was giving him the ultimatum to come home and end things with her, and his mom chewed him out for the affair. I wasn't really giving him an ultimatum-- I just sat down calmy with him and laid out the terms of our divorce, I split the bills and gave him a picture of life without me, I even seriously began looking for places to move to, and I was just to the point of saying- be with her and I wish you the best and be happy... I've reached my breaking point. I told him, it wasn't the fact that you had an affair, it was the fact that you took so long to NOT come home, that was like telling me I wasn't worth returning home to, or didn't deserve to be faithful to- and the longer you did it, the more I felt determined that I wasn't enough for you, and I started to accept that.
So again thats where we are..
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
So - you let go of the rope, did the Last Resort, and he came running back - only sort of.
It's so annoying how, once you finally let go, they finally stop to think "wth am I doing?"
Still - it's okay at this point to think about what YOU need. Do you really want a future, making babies and raising a family, with this guy? What would it take for you to feel truly comfortable that he was a safe bet?
The temptation is to just jump back in once he starts to make moves towards you - which he probably will, once the affair "drugs" wear off. But think very carefully about what you would require from him. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
and yes, we are noth jumping back in, he isn't, and I am not. We are actually in separate rooms, on separate floors lol. I am really taking time to just take time to figure out how I feel, if this is really who or what I want, and if I can even begin to trust or think that we can survive this.
He is doing the same. For now we are doing things that require team, like groceries and bills, and yes we went and had a good time the other day but we were really adamanent about no hand holding or intimacy or touching or even kissing-- I want no part right now, seriously.
WE are definitely in an adjustment phase, but not back to really being married if that makes sense. More like roommates. lol.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
