I told her about my solo road trip plans Friday night. She seemed happy with it. Spent most of the day together Saturday, went shopping for clothes. Gave her a light slap on the behind as we left the house and she didn't object. That night while she was sitting on the couch, I came up and brushed her hair, and messaged her head and shoulders. She's only accepted this about 5 or 6 times since March, and only if I just start doing it. If I ask, she always says something like "no, that's ok". Other than these few incidents, physical contact is rare.
On Sunday morning (today) while I was preparing to leave on my trip, she was aloof and emotionally guarded. As I was ready to leave I stalled for a few seconds in hopes that she would hug me goodbye, since I would be gone for 3 days. My thought was, what if I died in a car wreck? Wouldn't she then wished that she hugged me before I left? No hug. She was also cool when I called her a few minutes ago to let her know I made it here safely. I know, I can't control her reactions, but it still bothers me.
On my 7 hour ride in I couldn't stop focusing on our situation and how sad and frustrated I sometimes feel about it. Also wondering how long I'll be able to wait for her to come around. After so many good years together, I feel I can't give up too easily, but I'm not waiting in limbo for years either.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
