More patience??? Really???

[ces67]

Journal stuff:

Its been a quite week for the most part. Not much to report. However, at some point, my W got irritated and I have no idea why. She has been acting in previous patterns. She is withdrawing, she is snapping at me and making side-ways insults at various points; not actually insulting me but associating my name with things that didn't go well.

Anyway, its not about her at this point its about how I live life and stay focused. This is not a linear path and I have expected set backs.

I have had to really focus on managing my emotions this week. Old fears have crept up on me out of nowhere it seems. Feelings that I'm kidding myself and W is only going through the motions to buy herself time. But there is nothing new to substantiate these concerns. And maybe somehow, these things have come out of me in some way that has triggered my W's irritation. Not sure.

I've maintained "act as if" activities of helping where I can, initiating questions/conversations even though they go no where and staying positive with the kids. It still hurts but I'm able to detach myself from my W's roller coaster. I feel for her because I know she is struggling, but I don't have to subject my moods to mirror hers. In fact, it feels much better to feel up beat in spite of the negativity she is focused on.

We have our 3rd MC session tomorrow. Our only homework was to go for a walk and talk to each other about general topics given to us to help us get re-acquainted. The week days were crazy so I suggested on Friday evening that we go for a walk yesterday or today. Last night W as in a mood so I knew it wasn't going to happen last night. Today its been raining and W is taking a nap. So I will bring it up again after she wakes up to see if we can make it happen.

I really want to talk about what is bothering her, especially since in our last session we talked about the way our response to conflict was hurting our M. But I've decided she still doesn't feel safe so its better to go for the basic stuff to help create a safe atmosphere that will hopefully allow her to open up later on.

Other stuff. It looks like W is getting the job at the lady's clothing store she likes. She has one more "interview" with another manager on Tuesday which seems to be a formality. The actual hiring manager is already trying to get her scheduled for training.

I leave Tuesday for a business trip and will be gone until Friday evening. Maybe that will give her some space to process. Part of me feels guilty that I get to go on trips to cool places and its paid for and W has to stay at home. But this is part of my job. And not to be spiteful, but the reality is my W has travelled quite a lot over the past 2 years and created significant financial burden on the family in doing so. So not sure why I feel guilty and I need to (and will) get over it quickly.

One more thing...In one of my W's snapping moments, my S13 actually chimed in to stand up for his little sister which in one way I thought was really cool. However, his tone was not respectful to his mom, so I did stop him and redirect him so he was aware. I never looked at my W when I did this so I don't know her reaction. And that's OK, because I did what I felt was right and took the opportunity to instruct my S13 on respect.