After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[25yearsmlc]

25 -

I had wanted to try to use this unemployment situation as an opportunity to work together with my H, showing my support, build trust and re-connect.

I wanted to trust H and not assume the worst, but I know that he doesn't trust me at all either anyways...and I hear you loud and clear - his actions are indicating that I shouldn't.

At this point I just have too much at risk here for me and the kids.

I wanted so bad for this D to not be contentious, and it kills me and I feel physically ill when I think that it will not be pretty and that I will have to fight just to get a fair deal. I know it's all business for H now and it needs to be for me as well.

I am grieving... I have trusted my H blindly, 100% for almost 20 years that we had been together. And it's all gone.





what if you told him something like this^^^???

Doesn't matter if he believes you NOW. You'll have told the truth. Someday he'll see those words in writing and perhaps wonder if they are true.

But What matters is that they ARE true, and you'll have expressed them.

Frankly, we all must accept that our words might not reach them. But it's our responsibility to say our words, not withholding...and once said, be done with that.

You did not want this divorce, we all know. But it's coming, and you are stepping up to the plate on behalf of your children.

I think it'd be easier, really, to just go out and get your old job (or one like it) back and work your butt off, sharing the kids and re creating the stress and chaos of your previous life. That would "Shut him up" and prove....something....

But you have been deeply hurt and grown from this painful experience. The last thing you want to do is repeat the same mistakes of the past after going thru all this hell.

Too bad if he cannot see that. YOU CAN. Your eyes are open.





Who is this man? I just don't recognize my H in him at all.

That is understandable. Maybe You can say something neutral like, "H, you're right. I don't know you anymore." That isn't pursuit; it's part of your negotiating strategy. To SUBTLY get him to look in the mirror and feel guilt.

Some comments that came to me, on your behalf, are listed below. I DO NOT KNOW what to do with them KG. Maybe nothing.

But I feel as if you need to start spinning things a new way. You take on too much of the past responsibility -which was fair for awhile-but you let him off the hook too easily.

Even if you were a total beyotchh, (and I buy that you had a nutso temper, based on your admissions here. I get it, and you need to work on it big time. Which you are)....

but, you just don't leave a pregnant wife. You just don't. To me that's akin to divorcing a soldier while he's deployed. Totally uncalled for and totally something that can wait!

And if a pregnant woman then makes efforts to change that you can see, (b/c he has seen some with you and the kids. That's a fact he may not admit but WE know it's true.)

you give her another chance. The reason he won't is OW.

To use a car analogy, Your h believes it's easier to start fresh with a new "car", than to repair a broken one with a red blinking light. It's running rough and he does not know how to fix it. But a shiny new car is right there next to him...easier to drive off in THAT, and leave the old one behind...

The problem with that belief is 1) he's not getting a "new" car; he's getting a used one, that has problems and rattles of its' own, which he will discover only after he drives it on his own for a few miles; and

2) he'll never learn how to repair a "car" if he just switches it in for a new one whenever the red light starts blinking. Nothing "mechanical" has been learned.

Well, I don't want to wear out my metaphor but I hope that helps.
here are the words that came to me. Do with them what you will and that can include scoffing at and tossing them!

for when he lashes out at you for being so mean--

"H, I hurt your feelings and you ARE a man who allowed hurt feelings to cause you to leave a pregnant wife and 2 very small children. Though I'll always regret taking things out on you, Til now I didn't realize how unfairly burdened I WAS---- financially supporting your business

while also being pregnant and

then having the babies and

still working such crazy hours--- and finally letting the stress get to me, for which I've repeatedly apologized...Clearly, we both put far too much on ME.

Though you may never see the imbalanced burdens on me, H, OR how they affected our marriage, the point is, I DO see them.

My eyes are open & the kids are now my priority.

I hope I'm wrong h, but it seems to me that Your expectations of me continue to be WAY out of balance, esp since I now have yet another child.

But the good news is, my expecations are much healthier now. And For that, I'm grateful.

As always, I will do what I can to economize, and to assist where I can b/c they are OUR children. But I won't abandon my children b/c you lost your job.

They've already been put through too much b/c of our mistakes, (*maybe add* "and b/c you will not let go of your pain).

I will continue to work on finding balance in my life so that my resentments will keep fading. I look forward to doing what's best for our children as I know, at some level that is also a goal of yours..."

THANK YOU, 25. You have been like a sister to me.
(((((25)))))

KG, I'd be lucky to have you as a sister. And I have 3 already and love them!

If you ever do EE, let me know. I'd love to do TEAM when you go. And since they have a waiting list, let me know b/c they sort of owe me and I'd PROBABLY be able to slide you in.

(((( hugs again )))) and good luck.

Be brave, be strong and KNOW that

IF you are acting from the heart and for your children

that has to be enough for you. You can't NEED his belief or approval to move forward, and hold your head high.

((( )))