Freedomland Ahead

[kml]

Bad things happen, but good things do too.

Yes! And it's about time you made room in your life for the good things to happen! Bravo!

[job]

I agree w/KML...bravo! It's definitely time for you to make room in your life for the good things to happen.

[BeingMe]

Thanks KML and Snodderly ... it has indeed been a long and rocky road. But, I learnt a lot about myself, and how much I can take. A friend asked me if I would take him back now, if he asked me. I said absolutely not. I don't know my H. He is as much a stranger as any man on the street. Also, I've given him every opportunity any man has ever gotten, to do the right thing, but he refused. So, no more tries.

I'm hoping to see the lawyer next week (no moderator anymore), have the separation affidavit drawn up that we have been separated for a year. We both have to sign that. If he doesn't sign, then I have to wait a year. If that happens, then we'll all know what a hypocrite he is (which I suspect, anyway). I'll get the divorce papers drawn up at the same time, so he can sign both at the same time and then we'll be done. I hope before Christmas. I don't want this hanging over me when I go into next semester. My course load will be higher, and I will probably disappear into the books for 3 months.

[BeingMe]

I've received an email from H informing me about where he is and what it's like there, blah blah blah. ~sigh~ Whatever. I'm really not interested in his work travels ... it's one of the things that messed up our M. Weird that he would think that I would want to read about just another country's downtown, hotel, how much paid for breakfast, and then the usual flight. Can't he unburden himself on one of those online dating women? I guess they'd fall asleep, and he wouldn't sound as interesting to them. This is the job of the wife, but once again .... I.AM.NOT.INTERESTED. It's boring. I won't be so mean to tell him that, so I just scanned the email, saw it was the usual. He did ask at the end if I had a good weekend. Well, yes I did, but not sure if I'm going to share that info. In fact, not sure I'm going to even reply. Maybe I will with "..... what, oh, zzzzzzzzz ....fascinating ..... zzzzzzz". Okay, I am being really unkind, aren't I?!

Ah, the bliss of true detachment.

[BeingMe]

Oh, and I've lost another 2lbs down from my previous 10lb weight loss. Yeah, go me!

[BeingMe]

Journaling .... warning: this is a long one, and there may be some repeats here.

I have contacted the lawyers to inform them that we won't need mediation. We have already discussed between us what we want and feel we can just get the papers drawn up and signed. They have appointments in October which I will take one. They just have to make sure that no other lawyer has been contacted by my H, and then we're set. I hope to be divorced by Christmas. No particular reason, but it's a date to aim for.

In the meantime, life goes on. Had a great time with our astronomy class, skywatching on Wednesday night. Saw Jupiter rise with it's bands and moons. Also, saw Uranus, but it was a tiny dot. And various constellations, and a binary star system. Their stars were different colors. Amazing!

That same night I tripped and fell down the front stairs (concrete) while taking out the recycling. I twisted my ankle, and bruised myself. I lay there, unable to get up, winded. Thank goodness, my S25 and D19 were there. They got me up, and back inside. I had school the next day, and the ankle was feeling a little tender, but I could walk. I had to walk up a lot of stairs that day (our uni is known in these parts for their stairs, it's like a one-sided pyramid). I got home, took my shoes off, and the right ankle was swollen quite badly. The left one also, but not as badly. Ugh! I wanted to go walking in my favorite park this weekend. I will rest up, and see how it goes by Sunday. I have a project that needs photos and/or drawing of nature, and that's the place to do it.

I had a bad dream about H last night again. These dreams always leave me feeling depressed the next day. This is why I'm journaling today ... to get things into perspective. H has been very quiet, not calling, not emailing unless absolutely necessary (as I am doing). The one email he sent recently was pretty bad. I didn't know how to respond. Here it is:

"Im in Mexico. I checked the email, I believe it is as discussed. The only point that I want to make is that I cannot continue doing this work with this travel much longer. I am going to try for the next two years to get you and D19 through University but I am close to breaking point. Thereafter I may or may not make the same money and if I do break before, who
knows.

Be careful with the Lawyers, some are much more expensive than others, but i am sure you will take care of it."

What person feels he's heading for a nervous breakdown, and doesn't do anything about it? I did reply, and in my mind I knew this is the last time I try and help him. This is ridiculous ... almost feel like I'm being manipulated.

Here's my reply:

"H, you know, you make of your life what you want it to be. Don't use D19 and I as an excuse to be miserable and be willing to sacrifice your health for us. Tell your bosses [blah blah blah]. Stand up for yourself. Just tell them it's [more blah blah blah's] Don't get to the point that you have a nervous breakdown, and be completely useless to anyone including your children. What example would that be for them. If you believe you deserve better from your company, then you've got to fight for it. But, I know this is falling on a closed mind to anything I have to say. You're only fifty, and have a lot to offer, career-wise and just in life generally. I just don't understand why you don't believe in yourself. You've reached a point in your career that I don't think even you expected. You should be proud of yourself ... I am.

I won't be here for long, telling you this. I've said it a million times. I care about you and wish you the best, but you have to wish that for yourself too. You really need to take breaks and have some fun. Just take mini-holidays near home that won't take you on airplanes ... kayaking maybe (I really enjoyed it last week).

Damn right I'll take care of the lawyers ... I don't want to waste money either."

Back story ... he has fainting spells on long flights, especially if he's in the back. If he flies business, he has more space, so I think it's related to claustrophia (sp?). His company puts him on projects in China, Turkey, Mexico, Brazil, etc. while other younger, inexperienced people, with no family, go to Canada and USA. It's time for him to fight for these projects. One project was in the next city from ours. It would've been perfect for him, but they put someone who had to fly across the country. Wasteful.

It does worry me when he's in a dangerous country. But, s'pose it's not my business anymore, except that I do care what happens to him, and probably always will (and I won't be telling him this again).

[BeingMe]

It's since this email, that he's been quiet, by the way. I don't know what to think, but it's obviously coming out in bad dreams. Maybe a good thing? Anyway, I'm busy with school (have 4 courses), so can't be thinking about him all the time. In so many ways that I can't even count .... university, and my kids have saved me. BIG TIME.

[job]

I'm sorry you took a hard tumble. You may need to rest the ankle(s) for a while and not try to go walking this weekend. The bruising takes a while and you may have injured yourself more so and the aches and pains haven't set in. Rest today and see how you feel tomorrow.

As for your h, I think, and I could be very wrong, was trying to manipulate you. It's his one last ditch effort to have you rethink divorce. If he knows that he's close to having a "break", he knows what he needs to do. He still wants you to be there as his lifeline or rather his "mother". Someone that he can talk to about this issue. Your advice was spot on and that's why he's quiet for now.

Take care of yourself and keep your focus on your life, family and schooling.

[BeingMe]

Will do, Snodderly.

Y'all ... you won't believe this, but H arrived home this morning. I was still in bed, actually dreaming about him, when he pops his head inside my room and says, "hi, I'm back." I asked him if I'm dreaming ... seriously, didn't think I was awake. He says no, that he had informed me he'd be back this weekend. I honestly don't remember that. Anyway, I had somewhere to go, so jumped out of bed (gingerly, on the right leg), showered and left. Now I'm back, and he's still here, working on something or another ... drilling or sawing.

So, the dream, very basically, was about us driving around city that I grew up in. Then we saw a new highway. We drove down it, and got to a motel, where we booked into. In the morning, we found all kinds of people had slept in the room, and was staring at a woman who was half naked, in the process of getting dressed. It was weird .... some more, going down to pay, he wouldn't pay the fee, so I did. I asked him why ... he says I've just booked a ticket for some woman to fly and visit. Then I hear him say "hi, I'm back." Toooo weird.

[job]

I don't think your h told you he was returning this weekend. I think it was a spur of the moment thing w/him. I also think that by you standing your ground and wanting to move forward on the divorce has shook him to his very core and that's why he's there this weekend. Another thought could be that he's curious to know what you are up to and w/whom.

I hope you are doing better today. Try to rest up if you can.