I think I see the picnic!

[needgrace]

((((((((((Vero)))))))))

sorry you are struggling today..

i tell myself to let W go, that is what love would do.. and that I will be okay..

I breathe to create space around what i am feeling..

i also start telling myself that i am smart, compassionate, fun, etc.... i keep going until i feel that my mind has shifted...

i also remind myself that i am in the "victim" role when my thoughts are negative... and i seek to remind myself of my power to make my life what i want it to be.. Lynne Forrest has a great website (google her) about the three victim roles (victim, rescuer, persecutor i think), how to recognize those roles and ways to change your thoughts to get out of those roles..

i smile that i have caught myself and have a choice to do something different. that tends to relax me and make it easier to do something different..

i read on the board some posts from people that inspire me (and there are many)

it is HARD though vero and I am sorry you are struggling.. (((((( )))))))

[needgrace]

p.s. i also tell myself that this is my time to focus on my growth... that this road will take time and i am not going to worry about it now bc i am still working on me.

[keep_going]

((((((((((Vero)))))))))

sorry you are struggling today..

i tell myself to let W go, that is what love would do.. and that I will be okay..

I breathe to create space around what i am feeling..

i also start telling myself that i am smart, compassionate, fun, etc.... i keep going until i feel that my mind has shifted...

i also remind myself that i am in the "victim" role when my thoughts are negative... and i seek to remind myself of my power to make my life what i want it to be.. Lynne Forrest has a great website (google her) about the three victim roles (victim, rescuer, persecutor i think), how to recognize those roles and ways to change your thoughts to get out of those roles..

i smile that i have caught myself and have a choice to do something different. that tends to relax me and make it easier to do something different..

i read on the board some posts from people that inspire me (and there are many)

it is HARD though vero and I am sorry you are struggling.. (((((( )))))))

NG - excellent post! I so needed that as well. I will use your advice as well.

((((vero)))) hang in there! I know what you are going thru. I go thru similar struggles all the time. You have great suggestions here to get you started. You are strong and you can do this!

[2chiquitos]

Thank you NG! Your insight truly helps. I am aware that I'm pinning myself as a victim and wallowing in self-pity. I have tried training myself to get out of this mode but I feel so defeated when I fall back in. I HATE IT!

Thank KG! for stopping by. It helps to know I'm not alone in all this!

[2chiquitos]

Tonite I went to my brother's rehearsal dinner. I've been avoiding family gatherings unless they are necessary. My family makes it obvious how they feel about H. And although I've made it clear to them that I want them to keep their opinions to themselves, a comment always creeps up.

Tonite my sister asked me, why don't you go on welfare? I wasn't offended at all but was honest and said, I own 3 properties, I don't think I can (nor do I want to). She obviously said this because my mom has told her that H n I are tight with money.

SIL commented that she heard they go after the father if we're separated and my sister added, yeah take his money (but in a not so nice way).

I got up and said, Ok I'm leaving now. I wasn't rude just got my things and kids and left. I don't need to be there.

I'm frustrated. Pema said that people don't "make you feel a certain way" but I can't help to find other words to describe it. I feel like she made me angry. My friend made me angry. And when I get this ugly feeling I start to think about my sitch and I get so angry at H and fall into self pity mode!

The first thing I can think of is get up and move to a different location. I've journaled my feelings now on to another strategy to change my thinking. Next, read my meditation books. I would like to call someone but it's almost midnite here so I guess journal again?

This morning on my way to my D1s Parent Ed class I was crying and felt down going into the class. The minute I participated in discussion I snapped out of it. I think I found the cure to my depression. Talking to others about things unrelated to sitch.

Now how do I get the antidote at midnite????

[jks]

I am aware that I'm pinning myself as a victim and wallowing in self-pity. I have tried training myself to get out of this mode but I feel so defeated when I fall back in. I HATE IT!

I feel the same way. I'm noticing a continuous cycle for me. Feel good. Feel like crap. Feel hopeless and lost. Feel good again. And so on... I think that's why we have to continuously post here because it is such a constant battle to stay sane. I have to talk myself into being happy A LOT these days. Sometimes it just flows for a couple minutes and that's all I get. Other times it can last a couple hours and that's all I get.

We are not victims. This is something I need to remember too.

[keep_going]

(((Vero)))

Hang in there... The cycling is normal. The tough patches are normal.
I am about 6 months ahead of you in my timeline and I promise you that the periods of sadness and anger get shorter, less intense and happen less frequently as we continue our journey. I really cycle so much less and see my PMA increase so much with each passing month.

Patience, GALing and detaching...
Everyone tries to pound that into our heads because that is the only way to get there. And I have found that patience not only refers to my exterior environment and sitch (H, family, etc.) but also patience with MYSELF - specially when I am going thru a tough patch or backslide. I need to allow myself to experience those bad patches and know that they will pass as well.

Look, I was in a very dark place just 24 hrs. ago. Thanks to all the support I have here, patience and continuing to work hard, I feel much better today and I am so thankful to everyone for their help.
So hang in there and be good to yourself!!!

---

PS - I am also in LA, and yes, this heat has been crazy. Maybe that has not helped us either - LOL...
Although it is quite pleasant outside right now (yes, it's almost midnight and I am near the coast where it is cooler )

[labug]

A difficult question you ask, Grasshopper. (you might not remember that show)

Accuray and I have discussed this ad nauseum, he disagrees with me and Pema too, I guess.

I'm frustrated. Pema said that people don't "make you feel a certain way" but I can't help to find other words to describe it. I feel like she made me angry. My friend made me angry. And when I get this ugly feeling I start to think about my sitch and I get so angry at H and fall into self pity mode!

The relative made the comment for whatever reason they had, but it probably wasn't to make you angry. More likely they thought you would FINALLY get it! You reacted to it based on whatever feelings it stirred up in you and anger usually comes up because it masks hurt.

But you have a choice, delve deeper and uncover those feelings and why you have them or continue to be angry.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling angry, just don't stay angry. Anger can spur you to change, anger can help you get at that's really bugging you.

I think you did that in this instance, you didn't react angrily, you said what you needed to say and left. You then started to explore why you felt that way when you got home.

This is when being able to accept and name all your feelings is helpful, meditation has helped me a lot with that.

With all you have going on in your life, I think you're doing great.

[labug]

Just to add, I respect Accuray's opinion we just agree to disagree.

[mamabird]

How about focusing on today? Don't know if you do any 12-step programs but One Day at a Time seems to work well for a lot of people. That seems to help when times get really tough.

hugs