Dropping the rope, hope I'm doing the right thing.

[hopefulinga]

however, i haven't always been as i am today (and i have a long way to go). if you look back at my posts from the beginning until just lately, you'll see a blubbering idiot who was so scared and so sad and lonely.

i think we will all get to the place where we'll be happy. we just have to get THROUGH this and come out the other side. people go through what we're going through all the time. lots of them are even happier than they were when they were in the M they were so afraid to lose.

i'm stronger and better for all this.

I've thought a lot about this over the past day, especially earlier today. Thank you for letting us know you do get to the other side. The picture that comes to mind is that of a jet breaking the sound barrier.

[bustingout]

hi SS am just catching up after a few days.

what wonderful insights you have laid here for us to read. it really is helpful to read your reflections not just about you NOW but you in the past as well.

Looking forward to reading about Hs response and how it influences your next steps.

and thank you for telling us that we will get through this.

((((( )))))

[scaredsilly]

thanks, busting and hopeful. i'm glad my journey helps others because reading about so many other journeys has helped me.

my H sent me his response to my question. it was really a statement about what i need in a mate (should i have one): one who will put our relationship above all others in his life.

here's his reply:
"Try to answer the question… Putting my wife first, what that would mean to me and what I would change to mean it.

I thought I would start with a quote and end with another.

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

I need to put my wife first because she is the love of my life, ahead of all others. My home is my haven, not work. Our children are a blessing, and we love them so much but they have moved on. I will be left with my wife and I look forward to that. I would put you first and work on making our marriage strong. I read this somewhere – A husband who really loves his wife, steps in and says, “ I need to understand your world, what your living with."

I need to understand what it`s like to be home all day, what it`s like to have to deal with me when I am out of town, what it`s like to go through your day so that when I get home at the end of the day, and I step into your world physically, I can also step into it emotionally.

I need your list of the other things you thought about, so that I can think about them, live with them and let them be part of my thoughts.

I recognize that I have the power to redefine the relationship. Even if I feel like a victim, I play a role in setting up what is and isn`t acceptable, what could be wonderful.
I know that we both are closer to the dark. I feel that I need to see if I can be what you need.


I read something the other day- “ The Art of Saying I am Sorry” and there were the 3 steps.

1) Accepting your own Responsibility

2) The act of letting go

3) Then give the person a list of top 5 reason they are important to you

~ You’re a kind and caring soul

~ You are always worried about people being hungry and you root for the underdog

~ You`re laugh, smile, and eyes ( ok 3 in one)

~ You`re a wonderful hardworking person

~ Despite your childhood, you have come so far and will never be denied what you want in life.

I told myself a long time ago to remember these 5 amazing things that make you special to me.

Please look at this over the next week, and if your able to, send me the rest.

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart - about a finger's breadth - for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule. ~Marnie Reed Crowell

This says a lot to me, some with humor,some with logic."

[labug]

Sounds like he's thinking.

I like it.

[needgrace]

SS, I agree with bug. I like it too.

[Accuray]

Wow! I think if my W sent me that I would fall backwards off my chair -- why does he feel like the victim? (Sorry if I missed that)

Definitely give him more time to think, but now you have options and you are in the drivers seat.

I like how he says that you will not be denied. I try to live by that, it's actually a song by Neil Young -- "Don't be Denied"

Accuray

[Crazyville]

Same here, Acc, I can't imagine my H responding like that on his best day. My H's response would be something like, "Okay, fine, what else."

SS, it seems like he definitely put some time and thought into it. The question, though, is can you believe him or is it just lip-service?

[sweetbabyred]

I love the Doug Larson quote. I'd be happy if my H would read a quote like that and understand that it might have some truth behind it.

It does sound like he's done some thinking and realizes that while it might not be easy, it might be worth the effort to make the M work.

I'm so glad that he responded to you and gave you a thoughtful answer. And that he actually wants to see what else is on your list.

Good luck!

[2chiquitos]

SS!!!! OMG!! What a response!!!!! I'm staying tuned for the next episode of "Dropping the rope.."!!!!!!!!!!!

[hopefulinga]

I like the last quote and hope I can work that into what I am doing.

That is an amazing response and it does show that he put some thought into it and your R. I, too, can't imagine my H writing something like that, but it's not his style. If I got anything close, I would hit the floor.