Bklyn Still Here P2

[hopefulinga]

It is hard not to mind read and not to get angry. I hope that your interaction with him gets easier over time.

You're on the right track with wanting to be happy for your girls. They will notice when they get older. My D can't stand to see my cry and sometimes asks me if her daddy made me cry.

[BklynMom]

Omg!! I totally lost my cool tonight on my kids and need to type it out. It sent me spinning.

I have been working again full time for the past month. But the freelance job I took has a lot of days built in that I can work from home. Today was the first day I took advantage of that and it was not successful.

D2 was in daycare for a few hours and I had a sitter come to be with d4 for a few hours while I worked at Starbucks.


It took me an hour to get out of the house because I didn't want to leave when d4 was in hysterics so I was gentle leaving. My gentleness took an hour! By the time I left I just needed to walk it off for a while.

But the emails from work were fast and furious by this point. I spent nearly 4 hr working in Starbucks while feeling like a slacker cause I wasn't in the office and a jerky mom cause my kid was upset when I left.

Afternoon with the 2 of them was no better especially since the work emails kept coming (honestly it was supposed to be a quiet day at work, ha!)

Dinner, bath, done.

Thought I would let the kids watch extra tv and fall asleep in sleeping bags in living room. I thought this would be easier ten the usually bed time routine. I was so so wrong.

By 9p I was just yelling at them head down- eyes closed. At least 1 was having a tantrum for the next hour.

Not to mention my tantrums

These instances really confuse me. I feel like when I loss my cool it proves that my h is right that I am a crazy b!tch. If I could just get my sh!t together he wouldnt have left his daughters . This is all my fault.

Then in a split second I spin

I start thinking raising kids is soooo hard how dare the bastard leave us.

Writing this out is helping. I am off to sleep.

Thanks guys. This board keeps me strong
Thankfully

[wishing, hoping]

(((BK)))

My D had a meltdown in the shower last night and I was sooooooo angry at H! How dare he do this to us. But that passed and I realized we are better off without him. I have practically been a single mom for the past two years. Nothing is really any different.

Raising kids is hard but it's worthwhile. I don't have to tell you this. Your H is missing out but that's his problem.

[mamabird]

My S8 had a meltdown today too. Just everything. He was screaming in hysterics and I felt so powerless to help.

My mother keeps telling me that my kids need to be my first priority and I hear from your posts that your girls definitely are yours. So keep your eyes on the prize there, even though they test you test you test you.

My parents D when I was 7 and my little sister was 5. My mom did the best she could to raise us. My dad was around and we saw him every weekend. We turned out ok, I guess - we both got married and had kids - although I guess my H would argue that I didn't turn out ok.

I can hear you're a great mom and you're going to do everything you can to make sure those girls grow up with a lot of love, H or no H. You're living for you and them now.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi B,

Raising kids is TOUGH, truly the hardest job there is. All we can do as parents is to do our best - but we are not perfect. And that's okay.

I have had my meltdown days. I understand the many emotions. I would feel guilt for losing my cool with the kids and not being patient with them. Then I would be angry that H dumped everything on me, hey, they are his kids too!

But once the dust settles and our emotions steady, clear thinking comes back. I always end up thinking how lucky I am to have my wonderful children. When our H's aren't around, it is definitely their loss.

Hang in there, you are doing a terrific job. Take the bad days in stride, take a deep breath when they are over. Tomorrow is always a new day

[keep_going]

(((BM)))

What can I say? I go thru the EXACT same struggles as you...

Like you, I fight the anger deamon daily. Like you, I need more patience. And like you, when I react poorly with my kids, I go back to that nasty, nasty thought - "H was right to leave, I am a crazy b!tch."

Time to work on the thought-stopping techniques because you know deep down that this is just not true. I get it - I do it too. It's a defense mechanism to avoid our fear. But we are just self-inflicting more pain to our wounds.

Yes, we have work to do, but we are on the right track and we are NOT going to give up! We will continue working on getting rid of our anger when it comes back! We simply have no other choice - our kids are watching and learning from us.

You know you are a great mother and that you have been a rock for your kids. You also know where your weaknesses are and you know how to overcome them.

Just dust yourself off, and try again. You are only human!!!

We are in a life-long journey and we will succeed - we will break the pattern of anger for our kids. That will be our legacy to them...

In the meantime, I send you more hugs.
((((((BM)))))).

[BklynMom]

Just thought I would write a quick post today about how content I am.

I tend to write only when I am having a flare up of anxiety or anger but seems like the anxiety & anger is becoming less and less frequent.

Life is good. My kids are happy & healthy. I have a renewed sense of life and am not constantly rushing like I used to be.

When I am late or make a mistake I used to constantly berate myself. It would take hours for me to get over, forgetting an appointment or making a minute work error. Now I recognize that I am human and I am doing the best I can.

I focus on myself and my kids.

I am so grateful for all of you in cyber world. You have all helped me get to this calm place.

Also please vote for Jonah's Just Begun via the alt today. See previous post for details

[2chiquitos]

AWESOME!!! Keep it up!!!

[hopefulinga]

Good for you!! I know how horrible anxiety is, so you are doing great in overcoming it.

[BklynMom]

Thks Vero & hopeful and everyone following along.

I am definitely moving into the acceptance phase of this journey. The feelings that come up now are more intense and deeper then ever. A deep materialistic sadness for my daughters. When they leave for the weekend that wound is so unsettling.

I read recently that now in zoos they need to euthanize some exotic young animals because they don't have the facilities to care for them at the zoo. But they allow the mother to stay with their offspring until the animal is 2 because of the emotional damage it does to the mother to have the baby taken away before it is 2 yr old.

Each time my girls are away for the weekend I feel this loss around me, that I am missing part of myself. It doesn't matter how busy I am, it feels like I am missing a limb. They are a part of me still, they are still babies.

Yesterday the 2 year old screamed I want my mommy as she left. My FIL called and told me she was okay 5 minutes later but the wound in my heart is real as is the wound in hers.

Also upsetting in this acceptance phase is coming to terms with that my R with my H was a lie. That he married me because he was afraid to leave me not because he loved me. Its very hard to breathe that truth in. Its very hard to know that the man I was committed to loving through all his crap was not willing to love me through my crap. He was not willing help me find a cure for my disease.

I really believed my H and I had a soulful & life long connection. Now that he has left me and his daughters for a year and half, now that he has come out and said he is in a new relationship with the woman he was merely "friends" with when he left us, I feel like my mind trick me into having a deeper connection with him then I actually did.

I recognize now that I too lived in a fantasy world. I knew sometimes that I had upset him and he would deny it and say everything is okay. My next R will be with someone who is more in touch with himself, just as I have become more in touch with myself.

Now that I have cleaned up a lot of my baggage it is much easier to see what is left over and what belongs to him.

These boards and Al anon have saved me, thks. Back to working out and weekend GALing