I'm not clear on what she SAID her reasons for wanting out of the m are, other than OM.
[/b]Her main reason are that she was unhappy for years, she lost her feelings for me, her love died and she doesn't know how to get it back, she doesnt want to pretend, she doesn't feel hugging me, lost the attraction to me, she has no sex drive, she can't stand me touching/kissing her. I think theres more but these are all I can remember. She also mentioned our issues were not because of the OM and if we were to D she's not going to be with him because he's from another state. So I think shes hoping to find the right one similar to OM, because to her she just doesn't feel it and can't commit to the marriage.[[b] ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.
We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."
It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
almost all of what you said about her reasons are about HER and not you.
Surely she had SOME complaints, like the one you mention later about being selfish and on your own w/your GAL things...
think about THOSE types of complaints more so you can do better 180s.
Ok that's interesting how I unconsciously named her reasons. I'll write them down here so I can remind myself. Her complaints about me and her reasons for getting out of the M:
1) I'm selfish
2) I was not a good enough father
3) I neglected her-complaint that how many times have I texted her to check in
4) Although at the time she was ok with this, but she resented the fact that I was out Sat & Sun excercising--she felt lonely
5) I was controlling
6) I never took initiative to take her out on a date
7) I never like going to the In-laws house
8) I was always depended on her to buy dinner, go to the market the point is I waited for her to get home to make a decision.
These are all I can remember. She said these are little things that add up through the years. Although, I don't completely agree with all of these but these are her complaints about me.
So I see now where I can go on my 180s. The GAL, you opened my eyes, I can do stuff with the kids. I am actually googled some activities for this Sunday. Just need to put it into action. I'll start with baby steps.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
