The other thing that's really eating me lately is that d17 expressed to my mom that she thinks a lot of what's happening now is somewhat my fault. She doesn't know the A and we've talked to her about how this is equally both me and W's fault. She seemed she understood but I feel a little disconnect from her.
I just want to clarify that I don't intend to tell her W's EA because I know that would mess her up. But how do I handle this, how more can I re-assure her that both me and her mom are equally at fault and not mostly me? YOU do not. You don't get out the score card to show your d your grievance list so that she'll see the fault of your w. IT's petty and unhelpful and it will backfire in your r with your d AND your r with your w. Let her take some of the heat if you feel it's unfairly aimed at you. Without saying it, she'll know you have a trump card so she ought to share some more of the responsibility with your d. But YOU saying it, Is the last thing you do.
In my h's case when his parents divorced, I had not yet met him or his parents.
When I finally met his mother, they'd been divorced 2 years. His mother CONSTANTLY bashed his dad. I literally did not know his actual name b/c of what SHE referred to him as.
Granted, a lot of it was deserved. But Finally I met the FIL and he never once criticized his ex w. That made a huge impression on me. I never forgot that.
I think this is what really pulling me down. Also when I GAL wouldn't that clarify for her that "mom is right he's selfish doing his own things". why must your GAL only involve YOU alone? Take a child with you for some of it, certainly over the weekends. Can't you do a hobby or sport or volunteer work WITH a child?
My w was very vocal on her complaints during he years and she made sure everyone heard. Where I kept all that private because what mattered to me is my conscience not everyone's validation in the family.
I'll take your thoughts thanks again.
Newman
well you did tell others about the OM so I'm not clear on how silent you were. But your d has eyes. She knows more than you realize and
I would hold my head high and worry MUCH MORE about her feeling reassured of your love for her-
than her love for you.
You know the truth and for now that must be enough.
When my uncle left my aunt for OW, my aunt NEVER told her kids and they were sort of baffled by their parent's divorce. Years later when OW got cancer, my aunt slipped up and said "only the good die young so she'll survive" and this shocked her d. Finally my aunt apologized and said "I never really felt fairly treated by your father b/c he cheated and she knew we were married and had kids..." and only then did my cousin realize the real reason her father raised HIS STEP kids and not his real kids...
Be the parent/adult in the r. Reach out to comfort her instead of wanting to be comforted by your d.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
