Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

Yup. I haven't snooped in a while. And I thought I had gotten beyond the need to want to do it. I think this whole thing with what happened last year has made me uncomfortable and I know he's been back in communication with her because of it. I am trying not to jump to conclusions and I believe what he tells me. I also believe that he is not trying to do anything inappropriate and some times does things without thinking of the implications.

I think that I know how much I love him, and despite where we are today, he is a very exciting man and can be very caring. I've always said he was nice to a fault. I know that I am insecure about our M and I need to change that. Being nice to him is what I should be doing anyway, but I find it awkward sometimes because I haven't been doing it. And like I said, he's like a drug. To both men (in a friendship way) and women. It's like fly attractant. I used to kid him because while he is out of town, no one hangs out at the airport. He is the center of the action.

So being insecure, jealous, clingy and whatever else I am right now, I don't want to see someone who has nothing to lose and everyone to gain move in on what I am trying to salvage.

I am trying to take one day at a time. And I'm trying to breathe and think of the small steps we've taken over the past few weeks. I think I got overly excited about them.

I looked at what was on your wall, LA, about the D and moving out and I can feel that in my sitch. H knows I do not want a divorce, and I really don't think he does. I believe that sometimes he may think that having me out of the way will clear up the problems. And I know he says things to keep me off balance and to hurt me. I think the way I responded to him last night probably threw him off a little bit. I generally always argue back and raise my voice. I'm not saying I didn't defend myself, but gave it up when he wouldn't buy it and walked away.

I do think he missed me last weekend and that he misses me now. I think he may have also told me, or was starting to tell me, that he loved me when we got off the phone. We were both talking at the same time.