After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

unbidden, 25, grace, bug - thanks for pulling me out of the muck last night. Your kind words and compassion made me cry - every single one of your posts reached me deeply and I am feeling a lot better today.

It's amazing how different things can seem once the sun rises (and it's a gorgeous day in S CA )
So in this new day, I am choosing to focus on myself.

Here are some areas where more of the hard work needs to come:
1) Improve my self-esteem. How?
- Learning to change the tape as soon as I start getting down on myself. Stopping negative thoughts.
- Refusing to measure my worth and success by others' opinions by reviewing my progress every night before going to sleep.
- Increase my individual GAL activities when the kids are away - increase frequency of workout, socialize more with my friends, resume playing tennis.

2) Continue to improve other personal R that need work
MY MOTHER - Detach from my mother's actions to avoid feeling hurt and disappointed and view her with compassion in order to accept that she will never be able to support me in the way that I need, but only in the limited way she knows how.
MY KIDS - Have more patience with my kids. Remind myself that their struggles are no reflection of my parenting abilities or limitations. Read more on parenting and find new exercises and skills to become more zen-like and patient.
- Break the pattern of discipline and distance with my children that my parents taught me as they raised me. Continue working on being more approachable and showing a softer and more vulnerable side to my kids. Continue being more affectionate and warm (physically and verbally) instead of more of a disciplinarian parent. Remind myself of their frailty and their need for guidance and support in a gentle way.
MY BROTHER - Detach from my brother's selfish behavior and his victim mentality. Be respectful and non-judgmental about his actions and the way my parents enable him. He has chosen this path and I cannot and should not expect him to change to conform to the way I think he should act.
MY FRIENDS - Cultivate my friendships more. Be the first one to reach out instead of waiting for them to do so. Listen more, be supportive and have fun with them.
MY PARENTS - Work on spending more time with my aging parents and be very, very patient and supportive as their frailty and dependence on me increases.

3) Work on my PMA
- Continue doing my gratitude exercises when I wake up and before going to bed.
- Read uplifting and inspirational quotes
- Continue supporting others who struggle
- Join Zig's goal-setting thread and track my weekly efforts
- Pat myself in the back equally for small and big changes and improvements

4) Set out a plan of action this weekend to overcome the financial crisis we face as a family.

As for goals in my R with my H, I will have to thing about that some more. In the meantime, I have plenty to keep me busy.

THANK YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN FOR CARING. That is all I can say...