So an emotional wave or two or few have hit me today. It started as soon as I dropped S7 off for school as I then realized I was about to drop off S2 at my parents so I could go meet with L. Overall that meeting went well. She a.sewers my questions about the whole process in my state, she reassured me on some of my individual financial concerns (stocks, probable inheritance), looked at me as if I was crazy for the way I'm DBing and then understood my POV once I explained the sich to her. She obviously will help me, if needed, but we both hope not. Out of respect, she did not charge me anything for the more than an hour consult. So there were 2 moments of tearing up. Then I went to pick up my youngest, I became a little tearful with mom, and especially when I called to break the news to my sister. I still have to tell my sister-in law (my brother knows thanks to my dad a fee weeks ago). As far as telling them things, I'm giving them the basic details. Everyone here knows more than my family or friends. Oh, one other sad moment was me calling MIL about S7's grandparents day At school next week, she went into the whole it's killing her to know what's going on. U tried to end the call, I told her is rather not talk about it, that W would at some point need her support. She kept talking because she's a talker, finally she ended the call because she started crying, which in turn got me going. Today is rough, but at least I've had a lot more consecutive postive days this time around. I know I will get better, my sadness is normal for having to break the news to others. I will be okay. I'll post back later on.
Afa, yes, going to the L is super tough. I know. BUT, don't rush into telling too many people yet, and especially do not reveal that many details to the family unless she's moving out.
My H and I rushed to tell everyone as soon as he said he wanted a D (the first time) and he had already spoken with his family about how unhappy he was bc he was alone late at night. He had even shared the letter telling me he wanted a D with his 19-year old sister. BIG, big mistake.
The result? 1. In-laws saw me as the bad one...everyone sided with my H. The young sister has hated me since then. 2. Everyone saw our M as if it were over--even though we went through two more years of back and forth, which were totally awkward for everyone. We were seen as a weak couple, a troubled couple, and that didn't help the case. My H said the support from his family after that was gone. 3. When you guys reconcile (think you will) everyone will remember the details (if you reveal too much) and the relationships will not be the same. So be careful with what you reveal. My H and I learned the hard way. For now, don't say anything unless she moves out. You can say you're separating. And then, if she files, you can tell them that. But nothing else. Trust me. Hang in there. Tori.
As usual thanks Tori. The basics would be, W wanted the separation, its been 3 months so far, she says ILYBINILWY, that I'm working primarily on me to be a better me, maybe she'll come around (maybe she won't), but don't hate or pass judgement. Nothing really more than that.
I've got plans for the kiddos this weekend, most of it, to keep us busy having fun. Oh and I bought a meditation book, and a Miracle book by Melody Bettie, so my mind will be busy in good ways. At least that's the plan. Ob, and maybe some wine, it is the weekend ya know (after the kiddos are asleep).
I know of Wayne Dyer, I think. Did he write "Your Erroneous Zones?" What books do you like by him?
I have to do something to do better myself for this occassional sadness that then turns to anger. Especially so I don't just call it quits, not just for me, but for my kids, and as I have once said before, the woman I married, not the person I currently live with.
I'll call you Andrew too. Good name, though Afa is cool too.
Wayne switched his philosophy after writing Your Erroneous Zones. His latest books are more aligned with renewing your connection to your true self, or Spirit. Here are my favorite books by him: Inspiration, The Shift, Excuses Begone, and Wishes Fulfilled. I would start with Inspiration and Excuses Begone. Wayne wrote all of these books after his wife of 28 years left him for another man. He said it was a dark time in his life, but then he had the inspiration to write these amazing books. These books changed my life.
I go through the same: sadness that turns into anger, and then the desire to call it quits. It's normal. You are doing everything you can, so feel at peace knowing this. It was hard for me to find that peace last night--barely slept. I keep wondering what my H will do, and think of all the implications. But then I remind myself of the stuff in Wayne's books and it really brings perspective (though not necessarily sleep...)
Hang in there. Enjoy your day with the kids. Tori.
Interesting that he changed philosophies, whether it's good or bad. I remember having the first book as a teen / early 20's. Didn't actually read much of it.
I'm glad you normalized my exact thoughts and feelings. I woke a few times early this morning; and have been thinking "this is such total BS, where's a for sale sign for the house?, I'm done!"
Things that I know factor into this are: 1. The meeting with the L, I think that's just the cold reality of acceptance of where things may end up. I need to reframe it as me taking protective measures for myself and the kids. 2. It's the W weekend away, she's probably with OM. That part I can accept, it's the PA aspect that hurts. Yes, due to Ego, but also Values. How much am I willing to bend??? I won't know until I know. I'm guessing I have already bent, as I haven't filed as I originally said if a PA existed. 3. Conversations with various family members, mine and hers (initiated by them). With them feeding my ego so to speak, and declaring how wrong W is in what she's doing, yada yada. The weirdest thing is that W's uncle, who is an okay guy, but I rarely talk with called last night and went on and on and on about how he "spotted" this on FB and what not and to make sure that I don't get "screwed over" etc. He is a bit jaded due to a divorce he went through years ago. 8)
So all in all, I guess I'm feeling as if I'm back to square 1. Or should I remind myself of two steps forward, one back? At least I'll ultimately be ahead one way or another...right?
Advice, Based on the L meeting yesterday, I was encouraged to document everything (financial, time away from the home / time with kids).
She had encouraged me to remove the W from my credit card. I had added her to it simply to increase her credit (she had to delcare bankruptcy at the time of her first divorce). A few weeks ago, when we were discussing our finances, I told her that I wanted to, and she responded, "what if there's an emergency?" I said, "get your own credit card" (nicely that is).
So anyways, thoughts on that, as well as other non utility various joint accounts (eg amazon, paypal).
What is the DB protocol around here for that stuff? 8)
Hey, Andrew. In regard to your first message, yes, I felt exactly the same. In my case, I told my H I would be done if his EA turned into a PA. When I found out, I said it was over, and I meant it. But then he called me and said a D felt wrong and that we had something worth saving...So I stayed. I guess the PA wasn't my real bottom line, and you're finding that about yourself now. That's why I suggested before that you think about your real bottom lines. Maybe write them down.
The meeting with the L steers a lot of emotions. That's normal too. Since her behavior is so erratic now, I would definitely remove her name of the joint credit cards/joint accounts. My H and I haven't done that bc we never really had finances as an issue. He's been pretty transparent about everything he does, and me too. In terms of BDing, I think this also sends her the message that you get it: that she does not want to be your wife--at least now.
You will hear a lot of different things from family and friends. They all want to feel good themselves, and you/the kids suffering makes them feel bad, so the easy way for them to feel good again is suggesting you end your marriage. Typical behavior. They have the best of intentions, but they really don't know your sitch and the dynamics of your marriage. Only you and your W do. So if they start telling you stuff like that, try to change the subject.
